Uncanny Deadpool
by The Uncanny R-Man
Summary: Deadpoolfic. Formerly known as 'The Merc and the Ninja.' Part of the URMVerse. Chapter 35: The end of an era. Wade and Betsy join the XMen. FINAL CHAPTER!
1. The Merc and the Ninja

The Merc and the Ninja  
By RahneMan  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own Deadpool or Psylocke, Marvel does!  
  
Author's Note- For those of you that don't know, Deadpool was shot to pieces by Sabretooth when he refused to join the new Weapon-X program and Psylocke was killed when Vargas stabbed her through the heart in X-Treme X- Men.  
  
The time: No time. The place: Nowhere.  
  
All that we can see is an expanse of white nothingness.  
  
From the sky we hear a shout gradually getting louder. The shouts cease as the person that is shouting hits the ground with a thump.  
  
The figure is clad in a red and black bodysuit that is ridden with holes.  
  
'O-kaaay!' The figure says, dusting himself off. 'I'm pretty sure that we're not in Kansas anymore!'  
  
This is our first protagonist, Wade T Wilson, also known as Deadpool!  
  
Wade's attention is caught by another voice shouting s it falls from the sky. This time it's a woman! No ordinary woman either! That much as we can see as she gets up off the floor.  
  
'Bloody 'ell!' She moans.  
  
This is our second protagonist, the former X-Woman known as Elisabeth 'Betsy' Braddock or, Psylocke.  
  
She looks at her companion and curses to herself.  
  
'Oh bugger! Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, I get stuck in the afterlife with Deadpool!'  
  
'I always did like a woman that could talk dirty!' Deadpool smirks lecherously.  
  
'Touch me and I'll shove my psi-blade so far up your arse, you'll be spitting psychic energy!'  
  
'Are you coming onto me?' Deadpool asks.  
  
Psylocke throws up her arms in disgust and storms off.  
  
'Wait for me!' Deadpool yells after her. 'I don't like it here! It's quiet and scary!'  
  
'Yeah sure! Fine! Whatever!' Psylocke mutters.  
  
After several hours (or minutes, or days, you can never tell when you're stuck in a realm of nothing!) of walking Deadpool and Psylocke find themselves in front of a huge table. There are three seats around the table and it's also laid out with loads of food.  
  
'Great!' Deadpool grins. 'Food! I'm starved!' He starts to stuff himself with potato chips and pizza. 'Don't you want some?' He asks with a mouthful of pepperoni.  
  
Betsy just shrugs and picks up a slice of pizza. Before she can even take a bite, the two of them are shook by what sounds like a thunderclap.  
  
'Wait a cotton-pickin' second!' Deadpool says. 'How can there be thunder when there's no sky to have clouds in?'  
  
'THAT WOULD BE ME!!' A voice booms behind them. They both spin around at the noise.  
  
'God?' Deadpool squeaks. 'Is that you? If this is about me not going to church, it's just that I've been meaning to but I've been kinda busy with the BEING DEAD AND ALL!!'  
  
'I'M NOT GOD!!' The voice booms. 'MERELY A. MESSENGER!!'  
  
'What do you want?' Betsy asks the disembodied voice.  
  
'I REQUIRE YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A SACRED QUEST, ELISABETH BRADDOCK AND WADE WILSON!!'  
  
'Oh goody!' Deadpool mutters sarcastically under his breath. 'A quest, that's always fun!'  
  
'BOTH OF YOU MUST TRAVEL TO THE MORTAL REALM AND PROCURE A SACRED ITEM!!'  
  
'What scared item?' Betsy asks. 'We're kind of out on a limb here, being dead and all!'  
  
'I CANNOT TELL YOU THE ITEM'S IDENTITY YET!!' The voice booms. 'TRAVEL FIRST TO THE MORTAL REALM AND A CONTACT WILL CONTACT YOU THERE!!'  
  
'Great!' Betsy mutters. 'What have we got to lose?'  
  
'Only our lives Cute-Buns!' Deadpool leers, giving Betsy a swift slap on the butt,. Causing the purple-haired telepath to glare daggers at him.  
  
'YOU MUST GO!!' The voice booms. 'THE TIME FOR ACTION IS UPON US!!'  
  
And with those words, Deadpool and Psylocke are gone!  
  
A random back alley: Downtown Manhattan-  
  
A stray cat is rummaging through the garbage for food. There is a flask of light in the sky and the cat yowls in fright, leaping out of a dumpster and running off down the alley. Psylocke land perfectly on her feet. Deadpool isn't so lucky, he lands in the dumpster with a metallic clang!  
  
'OW!' He mutters, spitting out a rotten fish head. 'Remind me to sue our travel agent!'  
  
Psylocke just ignores him and sets off down the street.  
  
'How are we suppose to know what this bloody contact looks like?' Betsy mutters.  
  
END- For now!!  
  
Next time: Deadpool and Psylocke meet up with their contact, I'm not going to tell you who it is, it's a surprise! Let's just say that it's another recently dead ex-hero!!  
  
Till then  
  
TTFN  
  
RahneMan  
  
PS- WOOT!  
  
;) 


	2. You're Cute When You're Angry!

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 2: 'You're Cute When You're Angry!'  
  
By  
RahneMan  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own Deadpool, Psylocke OR Colossus, Marvel does. Oh! And for those of you who don't know, Colossus sacrificed his life to cure the Legacy Virus.  
  
Downtown Manhattan-  
  
Wade Wilson and Betsy Braddock, our newly resurrected heroes, are walking down the street. As usual Deadpool is being an ass!  
  
'Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah-ting-tang-wallah-wallah-bing-bang. Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah-ting- tang-wallah.'  
  
'For God's sake Deadpool!' Betsy sighs. 'SHUT UP!'  
  
'I'm only singing Cute-Buns!' He answers her.  
  
'Well DON'T! And don't call me Cute-Buns!'  
  
'Well you are!'  
  
'Shut up!'  
  
The two of them stop outside a bar.  
  
'I think this is the place we're supposed to meet our contact.' Betsy says.  
  
'How can you tell?'  
  
'Women's intuition I guess!'  
  
'We can't go in like this!' Deadpool says. 'We'll have to come up with a disguise!'  
  
'No we won't you idiot!' Betsy snaps. 'I'm a telepath, I'll just cloud their senses!'  
  
'Show off!' Deadpool mutters.  
  
They walk in the bar.  
  
After looking around for a bit, Betsy soon sees a familiar face.  
  
'Omigod!' she gasps, pointing to a tall, muscular man sitting at a booth. 'That's Piotr Rasputin! Colossus!'  
  
'Didn't he sacrifice himself to cure the Legacy Virus?' Deadpool asks.  
  
'Yes.' Betsy answers him. 'If he's dead, he MUST be the contact!'  
  
The two of them walk up to Piotr.  
  
'Hey there stranger!' Betsy says, creeping behind him.  
  
Piotr jumps up with a start.  
  
'Betsy Braddock!' he gasps. 'It is good to see you! And Deadpool too!'  
  
'Really?' Wade asks.  
  
'No, I'm lying!' Piotr smirks.  
  
'I gather that you're our contact.' Betsy says to him.  
  
'Yes I am.' He answers. 'I was asked to give you this.' He says, handing Betsy an envelope. She opens it and shows Wade the photo inside.  
  
'That's some random sacred object!' wade gasps, looking at the random sacred object's shininess. 'Uh, what is it?'  
  
'It is the staff of Sehkmet.' Piotr answers. 'It is an Ancient Egyptian war staff. It is supposed to have mystical powers.'  
  
'Such as?' Betsy asks.  
  
'Oh, the usual stuff.' Piotr answers. 'Immortality, enormous power!'  
  
'Where can we find it?' Wade asks.  
  
'Castle Doom!' Piotr answers again.  
  
'Oh bugger!' Betsy curses. 'You mean Dr Doom's castle in Latveria?'  
  
'The one and only!'  
  
'Looks like we've got an appointment with a doctor, Cute-Buns!' Wade says.  
  
Betsy glares at wade through narrowed eyes.  
  
'DON'T CALL ME CUTE-BUNS!!' She hisses.  
  
'Did I tell you that you're cut when you're angry?' Wade asks with a lecherous grin.  
  
'I hate you! A lot!'  
  
'You know you like it!'  
  
'Idiot!'  
  
TBC 


	3. Cute Buns!

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 3: 'Cute Buns!'  
  
By  
RahneMan  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own Deadpool, Psylocke OR Castle Doom, Marvel does. Well, Dr Doom owns Castle Doom actually!  
  
Notes- For those of you who didn't know, Dr Doom got trapped in Hell in Fantastic 4 #500 and Skin died after the Church of Humanity attacked the X- Mansion and crucified everyone.  
  
Latveria-  
  
It is an unusually quiet day in the small Eastern European country of Latveria. Funnily enough, all the days in Latveria have been quiet since Dr Doom's disappearance. No noisy battles with miscellaneous super-powered heroes, nothing! Well, until toady, that is!  
  
The townsfolk of Doomstadt, Latveria's capital, look up from their everyday business as the sky is illuminated by a flash of light nearby Castle Doom, the former home of Victor Von Doom, the former ruler of Latveria. As the light recedes, the townsfolk resume their everyday business. Occurrences such as this are commonplace in Latveria, whether it's a random would-be dictator trying to usurp Doom or another battle between Doom and the Fantastic 4.  
  
The hills nearby Castle Doom-  
  
Two figures step out of the receding light. They are, of course, our heroes, Deadpool and Psylocke!  
  
'I never get tired of that!' Deadpool moans, clutching his stomach.  
  
'Don't be such a pansy Deadpool!' Psylocke sighs. 'This must be our destination.' She finishes.  
  
'Gee!' Deadpool quips. 'What gave you that idea? The huge castle or the sign saying 'Welcome to Latveria: Cosmic radiation powered super heroes get in free!'  
  
Psylocke just shakes her head and walks towards the castle.  
  
'Waitasec Bets!' Deadpool calls after her. 'We can't just waltz straight in, Doom's probably got some bobby-traps laying about!'  
  
'Why don't you teleport us in Smart-Ass?'  
  
'I think I might just do that Cute-Buns!' Deadpool smirks.  
  
'How many times do I have to tell you?' Betsy hisses. 'Don't call me.' The Purple-haired telepath is unable to finish her sentence as they are enveloped by another flash of light.  
  
Inside Castle Doom-  
  
There is another flash of light and Wade and Betsy step out.  
  
'.Cute buns!'  
  
'Thankyou for noticing!' Wade smirks again.  
  
'I hate you, a lot!' Betsy sighs.  
  
'Where are we anyway?' Wade asks.  
  
Betsy looks around at all the hi-tech doodads.  
  
'It looks like we're in Doom's private lab.'  
  
'Right.' Wade answers her. 'The staff thingy wouldn't be in hear would it?'  
  
'I don't know.' Betsy says sarcastically. 'What do you think that is?' she finishes, pointing to a shining staff-type object hanging on the wall.  
  
'By George I think we've got it!' Deadpool says, grabbing the staff.  
  
'No wait!' Betsy yells. 'Don't grab it! There could be alarms!'  
  
Sure enough, the quiet is split by a series of alarms going off.  
  
'Oops!'  
  
'Teleport us out of here!' Betsy yells. 'Before the Doom Bots get here!'  
  
'Like I haven't tried that!' Deadpool yells back. 'My teleporter must've been short-circuited by that last teleport!'  
  
'Can't you fix it?'  
  
'Have you got a matter transporter spare?' Deadpool asks. 'I thought not!'  
  
A nearby wall explodes as several robots smash through.  
  
'Cheese it!' Deadpool yells, grabbing hold of Betsy's arm and ushering her along.  
  
A random corridor-  
  
Wade and Betsy stop to catch their breath.  
  
'I think we lost them!' Wade gasps.  
  
As if in answer, the wall beside him explodes outwards, knocking him to the floor.  
  
'DEADPOOL!!' Betsy yells.  
  
'I didn't think you cared!' Wade grunts, getting up and unsheathing a sword. 'That is the last straw!' he snarls. 'These robo-jerks are going down!' He then throws the staff to Betsy and proceeds to hack the robots to pieces. Betsy stows the staff in her backpack and takes out a disintegrator ray, which she swiped from Doom's lab. She lets rip with several blasts, disintegrating several DoomBots. Deadpool yelps as his sword hand is blasted, causing him to drop the sword.  
  
'You're gonna pay for that you over-grown toaster ovens!' He hisses. 'I'm gonna turn you all into Swiss Cheese!' he then takes out his twin Uzis and blasts away, laughing wildly.  
  
'BWAHAHAHAHAA!! DIE YOU ROBOTIC PICES OF POOP!! BWAHAHAAA!!'  
  
'Uh Deadpool.' Betsy says. 'All the DoomBots are down!'  
  
Deadpool stops shooting and looks around at the wreckage, disembodied heads, pices of torso, and all that.  
  
'We ready to go?' He asks casually.  
  
'As long as there aren't any more bloody DoomBots!' Betsy sighs.  
  
'Let us depart then!' Deadpool smirks lecherously, before adding, 'Cute- Buns!'  
  
'Don't call me Cute-Buns!' Betsy glares.  
  
'What about Sexy Betsy?'  
  
'I'm not even going to dignify that with answer!'  
  
'You know you like it!'  
  
Betsy turns and glares at Deadpool.  
  
'Listen here you stupid little tosser!' She spits. 'I don't like it and I will NEVER like it!'  
  
'No need to be mean about it!' Wade pouts. 'Tramp!' he mutters.  
  
'Wanker!'  
  
'Harpie!'  
  
'Bollock Brain!'  
  
'Stinky, stupid woman!'  
  
'Shut up!' Betsy yells, running out of insults.  
  
'No you!' Deadpool yells back, also out of insults.  
  
Betsy just grabs Wade's head and kisses him passionately! Deadpool follows suit.  
  
After a couple of seconds, they stop for air.  
  
'What was that?' Betsy asks, not believing what happened.  
  
'We just kissed!' Deadpool smirks again. 'Was it good for you too?'  
  
Betsy just shakes her head and walks off.  
  
Outside Castle Doom-  
  
Deadpool finally catches up with Betsy.  
  
'Wait up!' He yells after her. He catches up with her and grabs her hand. Betsy pulls her hand away.  
  
'Get off me you idiot!' She yells. Much to her amazement Deadpool lets go.  
  
'You just let go.' Betsy says.  
  
'I know.' Deadpool also says. 'I'm kinda freaked out by these events too! Breaking into Castle Doom, stealing a random mystical doodad and then kissing a beautiful woman, not my typical work day!'  
  
'Do you think I'm beautiful?' Betsy asks, slightly blushing.  
  
'Hell yeah!' Deadpool answers her. 'I've got eyes and I see that you are indeed a beautiful woman!'  
  
Betsy blushes again and turns her head away, embarrassed.  
  
'You're not just saying that so you can kiss me again are you?'  
  
'Give me some credit!' Wade says. 'You may question my integrity but don't question my lover of beautiful ladies!'  
  
'You're not so bad yourself!' Betsy smiles, moving closer.  
  
'Aren't you freaked out that I look like a giant scab?' Deadpool asks.  
  
'You're forgetting something.' Betsy answers him. 'My last boyfriend had blue skin and wings!'  
  
The two move in to kiss. Their lips hardly have time to brush against each other as they are lit up by another flash of light.  
  
'WELL DONE!!' A voice booms. 'YOU HAVE FOUND THE STAFF OF SEKHMET!!'  
  
'It was nothing!' Wade smirks. 'JUST THE FACT THAT WE ALMOST GOT OUR BUTTS FRIED!'  
  
'What do you want us to do with it now?' Betsy asks.  
  
As if in answer, there is yet another flash of light and a figure steps out of it.  
  
'MEET YOUR NEW PARTNER, ANGELO ESPINOSA, ALSO KNOWN AS SKIN!!'  
  
'Hola everbody!' Skin says. 'It's great to be back!'  
  
'NOW ALL OF YOU MUST PLACE YOUR HANDS ON THE STAFF!!' The voice booms. It then begins to chant in an unknown language. Deadpool, Psylocke and skin listen in amazement. There is then a flash of light, knocking the three heroes off their feet.  
  
'YOU HAVE NOW BEEN IMBUED BY THE STAFF'S POWERS!!'  
  
'Do you mean that we're immortal?' Deadpool asks.  
  
The mysterious voice chuckles.  
  
'OF CORSE NOT!! THE STAFF'S POWER DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT!! ANGELO ESPINOSA, YOU HAVE BEEN GRANTED ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE AND LOVE WITH JUBILEE. WADE WILSON, YOUR SCARS HAVE NOW HEALED!! AND ELIZABETH BRADDOCK, INSTEAD OF INHABITING THE BODY OF THE ASSASSIN KWANNON, YOU HAVE BEEN GRANTED YOUR OLD BODY BACK!!'  
  
The three heroes look around in amazement. Deadpool takes off his mask and looks at his reflection in a nearby stream.  
  
'Holy crap!' He gasps; looking at his now healed face. 'My scars have gone!'  
  
He picks Betsy up and twirls her around in happiness. 'My scars have healed!'  
  
'And I've got my old body back!' Betsy smiles.  
  
'And I've got another chance with Jubilee!' Angelo also smiles.  
  
The three heroes give each other high-fives.  
  
'FAREWELL MY FRIENDS!!' The voice booms. 'CONGRATULATIONS WITH YOUR NEWFOUND VITALITY!! I MAY CALL UPON YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY!! UNTIL THEN, FAREWELL!!' And with that, the voice is gone!  
  
'So what do you guys wand do next?' Angelo asks. 'I don't know about you but I always wanted my own detective agency! Uh, guys?'  
  
He looks around and sees why Wade and Betsy haven't answered him. Wade sweeps Betsy off her feet and smiles. Betsy giggles giddily. Their faces then move closer as they kiss. Angelo just shakes his head and sits down on a log, facing away from them.  
  
'Look out World!' Angelo says. 'The Skin Detective Agency is in town!'  
  
END (For now, anyway!) 


	4. Betsy's Dating WHO?

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 4: 'Betsy's Dating WHO?'  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own Deadpool, Psylocke, Skin OR the X-Men, okay? Marvel does.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- Don't worry! This fic ain't finished yet! I just had too much on my plate, what with all my other fics to do! ENJOY!!  
  
For Dark Jaded Rose  
  
(As always!)  
)  
  
Quote of the day- 'You are a sad, strange little man!'  
  
Westchester: New York-  
  
There is a flash of light and our three heroes, Wade Wilson: Aka the Merc- With-A-Mouth known as Deadpool, Betsy Braddock: Aka the British telepath and former X-Woman known as Psylocke and Angelo Espinosa: Aka the former Generation X-er known as Skin.  
  
'Why are we in Westchester, of all places?' Wade asks.  
  
'We are in Westchester because we need to recruit Jubilee for our group!' Betsy answers him.  
  
'Look!' Angelo says, pointing to the big mansion before them. 'It's Xavier's!'  
  
'Gee!' Wade quips. 'What gave you that idea? The big sign saying 'Xavier's School For Higher Learning?'  
  
'Wade, don't be such an ass!' Betsy tells her companion.  
  
Wade fixes Betsy with a wicked smile.  
  
'Does it make you horny?'  
  
Betsy just shakes her head.  
  
'Randy?' Wade continues.  
  
Betsy still ignores him.  
  
'Do I make you horny baby? Yeah, do I?'  
  
'Yes Wade.' Betsy sighs. 'You make me exceptionally randy now shut up!'  
  
Wade turns to Angelo.  
  
'Did you hear that kiddo?' he asks. 'I make Betsy randy!'  
  
'I think she was being sarcastic!' Angelo says matter-of-factly as he and Betsy walk through the gate to Xavier's.  
  
Wade is left all by himself.  
  
'Oh!'  
  
Betsy walks up to the door and knocks. The three heroes are left waiting for a couple of seconds before someone answers. The door opens and a blond head pokes out.  
  
'Yes, how may I help you?' The blond woman (who just happens to be Paige Guthrie, another former Generation X-er and now a fully fledged member of the X-Men) asks, not realising who the visitors are. She then takes a closer look and her eyes pop open in surprise. 'Oh mah Gawd!' She yells as she slams the door in their faces.  
  
'Not the kind of reaction you were hoping for huh?' Wade asks.  
  
Several moments later, the door opens again. This time it is Professor Xavier.  
  
'It is nice to see you Betsy.' He says, uncertainly. 'We all thought you were dead!'  
  
'I was Professor.' Betsy answers him. 'But I got better!'  
  
'And Mister Espinosa.' Xavier says to Angelo. 'You were dead too!'  
  
'I'm back and ready to party!' Angelo smiles.  
  
Xavier turns to Wade.  
  
'And you must be Wade Wilson. Logan's told me all about you!'  
  
'I hope it's all good!' wade nervously smirks.  
  
'Why don't you all come in?' Xavier asks them.  
  
'I thought you'd never ask.' Wade mumbles.  
  
'Professor!' Betsy gasps. 'You're walking!'  
  
'My legs we healed by a Mutant called Xorn, who happened to be Magneto in disguise!'  
  
'Just a normal day at the office huh? Wade asks.  
  
The Rec Room-  
  
Paige is now sitting in the Rec Room with the rest of the X-Men, Warren Worthington (Archangel), Bobby Drake (Iceman), Jubilee, Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler) and Logan (Wolverine). They all look up as Xavier walks in with Betsy, Wade and Angelo.  
  
As soon as Jubilee sees the newly resurrected Angelo, she runs up and gives him a huge hug.  
  
'Oh Angelo!' She says with teary eyes. 'I thought that Id never see you again!'  
  
'Think nothing of it chica!' Angelo says, patting Jubilee's head lovingly. 'I got brought back from the dead so I could be with you. That's if you want to be with me.'  
  
'Of course I do ya silly jerk!' Jubilee sniffs.  
  
Angelo smiles and kisses Jubilee on the forehead.  
  
'Lo Warren.' Betsy says to her former boyfriend. 'I'm back. And you're not blue any more!'  
  
'Long story!' The winged X-Man says. 'You've got your old body back!'  
  
'One of the perks of being brought to life I suppose!'  
  
'Isn't anyone going to welcome me?' Wade asks the room.  
  
As if in answer, there is a 'SNIKT!' as Logan gets up and glares at him.  
  
'Why are ya here Wilson?' He growls.  
  
Wade holds up his hands in defence.  
  
'Whoa there camel! I'm not here for a hit. I'm just here with the grey kid ant my new girlfriend to recruit Jubilee for our gang!'  
  
'Best's WHAT?' The whole room choruses.  
  
'I'm with Wade now.' Betsy tells anyone. She looks at Warren. 'Don't look so shocked Warren! I'm not the one going out with someone half my age!'  
  
'How did you know?' Warren splutters.  
  
'I'm a telepath remember?'  
  
'Oh yeah!'  
  
Kurt gets up and gives Betsy a hug.  
  
'No matter what the others say or who you are now dating, I'm glad that you're back!'  
  
'Thanks Kurt!' Betsy says, returning the hug.  
  
'Does Brian know that you're back?' Kurt asks.  
  
'Not yet.' Betsy answers him. 'We're going to get a permanent residence somewhere, then I'll tell him.'  
  
'Why don't you stay here?' Bobby asks.  
  
'No offence or anything guys.' Betsy answers. 'But I thought that I'd retire from the hero biz for a while. Wade wants to set up a detective agency and Angelo and I are going to help!'  
  
'What about Jubilee?' Angelo asks. 'That's why we're here, to recruit her.'  
  
'If that's alright with Jubilee and the Professor.' Betsy answers.  
  
'Is that alright with you Jubilee?' Xavier asks.  
  
'I don't care what I do!' Jubilee smiles tearfully. 'It only matter's that Angelo is alive!'  
  
Later-  
  
After several hours of catching up on recent events (Xavier 'outing' the X- Men, the riot at the school, the destruction of Genosha, the reappearance of Magneto and the death of Jean Grey) Betsy, Wade, Angelo and now Jubilee are carrying Jubilee's luggage to a car that Xavier has kindly lent them.  
  
'Bet you five bucks that Summers meets another evil clone!' Wade mutters to Betsy. Betsy glares at Wade and swats him on the arm. This then causes him to lose his balance, making him fall over dropping jubilee's suitcase.  
  
Paige walks up and gives Jubilee and Angelo a big hug.  
  
'Any idea where you're going?' She asks.  
  
'Wade wants to set up shop in the city.' Angelo answers her.  
  
'I'll miss you!' Paige sniffs as she gives them another hug.  
  
'Hey chill Hayseed!' Jubilee tells her friend. 'We'll only be a coupla hours down the road! You can come visit anytime you want!'  
  
'Good luck Short Stuff!' An unusually tear-filled Logan tells Jubilee, also giving her a hug.  
  
'Take care of yourself Wolvie!' She tells him.  
  
Logan then turns to Angelo and fixes him with a mean stare.  
  
'Look after her Espinosa or.' SNIKT!  
  
'Understood Mister Logan!' Angelo nervously smirks.  
  
Behind them, Wade can be heard beeping the horn impatiently.  
  
'Come on people!' he yells. 'We haven't got all day! I wanna get gone sometime soon!'  
  
Betsy shakes her head from the driver's seat.  
  
Jubilee and Angelo wave goodbye to the others and run over to Wade and Betsy in the car.  
  
'All set everyone?' Wade asks.  
  
'Ready and raring!' Jubilee answers him.  
  
Wade turns to Betsy.  
  
Number two.' He says. 'Engage!'  
  
He bursts into fits of giggles as Betsy starts up the engine.  
  
'What's so funny?' She asks.  
  
'Heheh! I said 'Number Two!' Wade giggles.  
  
Betsy, Angelo and Jubilee just shake their heads as they drive out of Xavier's and into their new life as private investigators!  
  
END (Or is it?) 


	5. BLEW

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 5: BLEW  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I own nothing, it all belongs to Marvel.  
  
Shout outs-  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- Glad you liked it! More Deadpool wackiness up soon!  
  
For Dark Jaded Rose  
  
Love ya!  
  
*KISS*  
  
Quote of the day- 'Pudding!'  
  
The new offices of Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson Detective Agency (BLEW for short): Manhattan-  
  
The heroes' detective agency is presently being decorated. Wade, Betsy and co are joined by Betsy's twin brother and sister-in-law Brian and Meggan Braddock. Meggan is dressed in paint-covered dungarees helping an identically clad Betsy and Wade paint the main office. Brian is helping Jubilee connect up the electrics while Angelo has been elected lunch duty.  
  
Wade switches on the stereo and starts to dance around to the music. He dances over to Betsy and sweeps her up in his arms.  
  
'C'mon Bets! Wanna dance'  
  
'Wade Wilson! You put me down this instant! We've got work to do!' The purple-haired British telepath tells her new beau.  
  
'Spoil sport!' Wade pouts.  
  
'I'll dance with you if you want Wade!' Meggan offers, plopping down a paint roller into it's tray.  
  
'Thankyou very much Meggan!' Wade says, picking Meggan up into his arms and spinning her around. 'At least someone knows how to have fun!' He follows that up by sticking his tongue out at Betsy. In turn, she flicks paint at Wade. He dodges out of the way and the paint hits Meggan instead! Meggan yelps in surprise, picks up her paint roller and flicks paint at Betsy. Betsy dodges out of the way, accidentally knocking over a ladder with a paint can on top. The paint can then falls onto Wade, covering him with paint.  
  
'You are SOO gonna pay for that Bets!' Wade mockingly hisses, grabbing up another paint can. 'This means war!  
  
What ensues can be best described as a massacre, with paint flying everywhere!  
  
Meanwhile, with Brian and Jubilee-  
  
Jubilee is presently sitting on a desk chewing gum while Brian tries to wire a plug.  
  
'A little help wouldn't go amiss y'know!' Brian sighs.  
  
Jubilee pops her gum and leans on her hands, watching Brian.  
  
'Call me an old-fashioned gall but I wuz brought up to believe that the men wired the plugs and the women had the babies!'  
  
Brian then mutters something under his breath and continues with the wiring.  
  
Angelo then walks in with piles of sandwich cartons and stuff.  
  
'Man is here!' he grunts. 'Man bring food! Put food on fire to cook! Pee on fire to put out! Never get invited back!'  
  
Jubilee runs up and throws her arms around her grey-skinned boyfriend, planting a kiss on his lips.  
  
'Did'ja get me ham on rye with mayo?' She asks.  
  
Angelo hands her a sandwich carton.  
  
'You only want me for my bready goodness!'  
  
'And your sexy yet supple tushie!'  
  
Angelo then turns around and yells out for the others.  
  
'FOOD'S HERE!'  
  
Angelo and Jubilee stare at the sight of a paint-covered Wade, Betsy and Meggan.  
  
'What happened to you guys?' Jubilee asks.  
  
'Paint. Throw. Pain. Death. The humanity!' Wade gasps.  
  
'Ooh! Meggan coos, flying over to Angelo. 'Is that meatball and parmesan baguette mine?'  
  
'Nuh-uh! Meg.' Wade tells her. 'I've got first dibs! You ordered steak and mustard.'  
  
'Bloody hell Wade.' Betsy smirks. 'You eat like a pregnant woman!'  
  
Wade takes a huge bite out of his sandwich, dropping most of the sauce down himself in the process.  
  
'I've gotta keep my energy up if we're gonna stay up all night makin' luuuurve!'  
  
'Too much information!' Jubilee winces.  
  
'Who wants to do the honours?' Brian asks, getting up from wiring the plugs. Seeing that everyone else has their mouths full with their respective sandwiches, Brian switches on the lights himself.  
  
'I hereby declare the Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson detective agency open!'  
  
Brian switches on the lights annnnd nothing happens!  
  
'Oh bugger!'  
  
'Nice work luv!' Meggan quips.  
  
After several more hours of re-wiring-  
  
Wade, Betsy, Meggan, Jubilee and Angelo sit around with bored expressions on their faces while Brian rewires the lights. Wade is presently asleep with his head leaning on Betsy's shoulder. He's snoring!  
  
'Wade!' Betsy sighs. 'Wake up! You're snoring!'  
  
'And he's drooling!' Meggan adds from her position, laying on her back on one of the desks.  
  
'You getting comfy there luv?' Brian asks his wife.  
  
'Most outstandingly so dear!'  
  
Brian turns back to the light switch.  
  
'And without any further a do, I hereby declare this detective agency open!'  
  
Brian then switches on the lights annnnd the lights come on! Everyone cheers loudly.  
  
'And about bloody time too!' Betsy grins.  
  
Later still-  
  
Brian and Meggan are bidding Wade and co goodbye.  
  
'Are you sure you couldn't stay?' Betsy asks. 'We've got so much to catch up on!'  
  
'No can do Bets!' Brian tells his sister. 'We've gotta get back to England, I have to prepare for a business meeting.'  
  
'And then he's taking me shopping at Carnaby Street!' Meggan adds.  
  
Betsy walks up and gives her brother and his wife a big hug.  
  
'Y'all come back now, y'hear!' Wade shouts from the doorway.  
  
'And Wade.' Brian says. 'You hurt Betsy and I'll rip out your lungs and use them as bagpipes, understood?'  
  
'Crystal!' Wade squeaks.  
  
And with that, Brian and Meggan wave goodbye get in their car and drive off.  
  
After they've drove off, Wade sweeps Betsy up in his arms.  
  
'Whatta ya say Bets?' he asks, with a twinkle in his eye. 'You wanna test out those new bed springs?'  
  
'Better then letting them go to waste!' Betsy answers, with an equally lecherous glint in her eye.  
  
Angelo watches them in disgust. Jubilee sidles up to him and whispers in his ear.  
  
'What'cha say Angelo? You wanna have an early night too?'  
  
'Is that all I am to you?' Angelo asks in mock indignation. 'A human love machine?'  
  
'That and the guy that gets the sandwiches and coffee!'  
  
Angelo just shrugs and puts his arms around Jubilee's shoulders.  
  
'Nuh-uh buddy boy!' Jubilee says. 'If we're gonna do this, let's do it properly!'  
  
Angelo yelps in surprise as Jubilee sweeps him up onto her shoulders.  
  
'I'm putty in your hands!'  
  
'Nothing turns to putty in my hands!' Jubilee winks.  
  
END! (Until Part 6 that is!) 


	6. Strip Twister?

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 6: Strip Twister?  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
And  
Dark Jaded Rose  
  
Disclaimer- I own nothing, it all belongs to Marvel.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Caliente- You don't know what BLEW is? I'm sure that a smart woman like you should know! It stands for Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson, the surnames of Betsy, Jubilee, Angelo and Wade respectively. Liked the 'pee on fire joke' huh? In got that idea from an episode of Friends, I can't remember which though! And yup! Skin's the man! It's a pity that Marvel killed him off!  
  
Risty- Jeez! Is there anybody that you don't hate? Amara, Storm, Meggan, Jean (although, I've got to agree with you on that one!) Enjoy the chappie! And look! Women kicking butt!  
  
It was about eight in the evening when Wade came out of the shower in a blue fluffy bathrobe singing 'It's a Small World After All'. Betsy gave her boyfriend a look and shook her head at his somewhat off way of typical behaving. She went in to get ready for the evening since every one had decided to go to a nearby bar for a night of drunken hilarity.  
  
She had finally stepped into the shower, after having to rearrange the bathroom since Wade had the tendency of throwing his laundry all over the place, when an overzealous person was banging the door. "Wait!" She shouted but the door continued to be bombarded by God knows who. She stepped out of the shower and yanked it open, dripping wet. Her purple hair matted on to her face. "WHAT?" She yelled.  
  
"Can I use your hair dryer?" Jubilee asked and looked down at the naked body of her friend. "Um, maybe you didn't realize it, but your sorta naked," she pointed out.  
  
"Aren't you the observant one," Betsy said irritably and slammed the door in her face.  
  
"I take that as a yes," she hears Jubilee call out. Rolling her eyes she took her shower and got ready for the evening.  
  
***  
  
Twenty minutes later she marched downstairs dressed to kill and noticed that everyone else, aside from Wade who considered worn out jeans, a blue t-shirt and grungy sneakers 'out on the town' clothes, dressed in the same fashion.  
  
"Are we ready to party?" Wade shouted enthusiastically and got a cheer from Jubilee and Angelo. He put his arm around Betsy who gave him a look. "Are you ready to party, Cute Buns?" She looked up at him and groaned.  
  
"Will you ever let up?" she asked and they made their way to the car awaiting them outside.  
  
***  
  
They got to the bar where some random music was playing and Wade walked in dancing the Macarena. Some salsa started to play and Angelo looked at his girl and got a bright idea.  
  
"Wanna dance?" he asked. Jubilee nodded her head and allowed him to lead her to the semi vacant dance floor.  
  
Betsy and Wade went over to the bar and ordered some drinks. Betsy noticed someone watching them or better yet Wade, but she chose to ignore it and instead focused on drinking her Margarita. Beside her, Wade was tossing back drinks like there was no tomorrow and the minute that Jubilee and Angelo joined them, the games began!  
  
They went to a backroom full of drinks and tried to decide on what to play.  
  
"Hey how about Strip Twister!" Deadpool said. The others looked at each other and shrugged. "Ok, I go first!" Out of nowhere he pulled out a mat and the small spinning board.  
  
"Prepared aren't we," Jubilee said much to his amusement.  
  
"Of course, now let's see," he prepared the mat on the bare floor and spun. "Right foot on green." He put his foot on it and then everyone followed suit.  
  
Wade happily tripped through out the whole game much to the consternation of the others since they were usually under him and he slowly took his clothes off as if it was a strip tease much to the degradation of Betsy. They merely rolled their eyes and tried their best to avoid him. By the end of the game, everyone but Betsy was either naked or semi naked, not even Angelo in all his mutant glory was able to win. She stood up and smiled.  
  
"No one could ever beat me in Twister as a kid," she said. Wade stuck his tongue out at her while adjusting the beer bottle that worked as cover up. Jubilee had taken to newspapers and Angelo had taken to Jubilee, much to her glee.  
  
"So what next?" Jubilee asked; Wade shrugged without any ideas. They pulled on their clothes and went back inside the bar.  
  
"So who wants to play fifteen seconds of fury?" Angelo asked, the others responded in delight to the game. "Good, now grab your bottles and every fifteen seconds you have to drink a bottle," he said. Jubilee wrinkled her nose.  
  
"Isn't it a sip?" she asked, Wade sighed heavily and patted her on the head.  
  
"Poor Jubes, just leave the rules to the men, sweetie," he said and they began the game. About five minutes and twenty beers later, they were all wasted, particularly Betsy, who obviously couldn't handle her drinking too well, but after twenty beers who could?  
  
She looked over again and noticed the woman from earlier on checking out Wade. The woman looked up and stared at her with vivid green eyes and red hair that grew wild. Half of her face was white and the other a light shade of pink. Her costume was a little surprising since it wasn't everyday you saw a semi naked woman wearing football shoulder pads and thigh high boots, but hey, to each their own.  
  
Betsy narrowed her eyes and she swore that the woman gave her the finger.  
  
"The little hussy!" Betsy cried out and stood up, only to wobble a bit. Wade started laughing manically.  
  
"Where ya goin'?" he slurred and took another drink. Betsy quickly turned around but grabbed her head as the room spun.  
  
"I'm going to make sure no one looks at you again," she said and made her way over to the woman, stumbling slightly. The woman noticed her approach and stood up glaring down at her. Wade recognized her and quickly ran over, knocking a couple of chairs and embraced her regardless of the machetes in either hand.  
  
"Typhoid Mary?" Wade said, and seeing that it was surely her, hugged her tighter. "It's my little sweet cheeks!"  
  
Betsy turned to him and anger added to her insanity.  
  
"What did you say to her?" she asked. Wade, who didn't know what he was doing merely giggled and repeated it again.  
  
"Sweet cheeks, cute buns, I said sweet cheeks!"  
  
"Why you little...!" she pulled her fist back and swung it towards Wade but he ducked just in time. Unfortunately Typhoid Mary was not that...fortunate. She ended up feeling Betsy's fist connect with her jaw. She held her cheek and growled, throwing down her knives she pounced on Betsy and a catfight ensued.  
  
Wade took a step back and watched as his girlfriend pinned Mary to the ground and straddled her. He grabbed a seat, took another bottle of beer and drank in awe. Jubilee and Angelo came stumbling over and marveled at the sight of their violet haired friend kicking butt.  
  
"Ya know, she should join the WWE," Angelo said. Wade agreed and rooted each girl on in turn.  
  
"Go Typhoid! Go Betsy! Go ahead rip her shirt off! Yeah!" and he threw back another sip. By the time they were done, Typhoid Mary was knocked out on the ground and Betsy stood up, her clothes ripped to shreds with only her black bra covering her chest and she threw her hands up in victory.  
  
"That's for any of you who want to look at my man!" she cried out and got cheers from the rest of the women before completely passing out onto the floor. Wade looked at her body toppled over Mary's and shook his head.  
  
"Some people just can't hold their liquor," he tossed her over his shoulder and everyone went home, unprepared for morning torture. 


	7. The Return of Sweet Cheeks: Part 1

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 7: The Return of Sweet Cheeks: Part 1  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I own nothing; it's all Marvel's!  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Risty- Glad to see that you at least like someone! I didn't make Typhoid Mary's costume up, that was all from Marvel! More women kicking butt next! You can't get more butt-kicking than Typhoid Mary!  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- SEE? Here's an update! WHEEE! I am the King of Chocolate Mice! Wibble!  
  
It's nine in the morning in the HQ of the Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson detective agency. The door swings open and a Hawaiian shirt-clad Wade walks in with the morning paper, whistling to himself. He plops down on a chair and prepares to read his paper.  
  
'Hmm!' He says to himself. 'Some little redhead kid beat up Avalanche all on her lonesome. I wonder who that was?' (1)  
  
Wade looks up from the paper as a badly hung over Betsy walks in.  
  
'What up Cute Buns?' an ever-chipper Wade asks. 'Still feelin' groggy from last night?'  
  
Betsy groans and slumps down beside Wade, laying her head on his shoulder.  
  
'I feel like someone's shat in my mind!' The purple-haired Brit moans.  
  
'That bad huh?'  
  
Then there is a shout from Jubilee and Angelo's room.  
  
'MEDIC!' Jubilee yells. 'WE NEED MORE JUICE!'  
  
'YOU'VE GOT LEGS!' Wade shouts back. 'GET IT YOURSELF!'  
  
Unheard by Betsy but heard by Wade's sensitive hearing, Jubilee mutters various curses under her breath as she gets up out of bed.  
  
Wade looks up as he hears someone enter the door. He jumps up in shock as he sees who it is, in the process, pushing Betsy's head off his shoulders, making her bang her head against the desk.  
  
'Ow! Bloody 'ell Wade!' Betsy winces, rubbing her head.  
  
'Typhoid Mary!' Wade gasps. 'What're you doing here?'  
  
Betsy suddenly perks up as she hears the name of Wade's former 'friend.' She jumps up from her seat, clutching her head in pain.  
  
'Owowow! Got up to fast!'  
  
'I want to hire you.' Typhoid answers matter-of-factly.  
  
Betsy, still clutching her head in pain, walks out into the kitchen and pops her head out.  
  
'Once I've sorted this bloody headache out, I'm going to finish what I started last night!'  
  
'Betsy, PLEASE!' Wade pleads. 'This is the first case that we've had in days, we need the money!'  
  
From the kitchen Betsy can be heard muttering various curses as she pours herself some water to go with the aspirin.  
  
Wade turns back to Typhoid.  
  
'What do you need us for?' He asks. 'If it's bumping someone off, I'm afraid that we can't take it as * sigh* Betsy made me promise that I'd stop killing people.'  
  
'It's nothing like that Wade.' Typhoid adds. 'I just need you to get some money for me.'  
  
'Is that all?' Wade asks, not exactly trusting her. 'Who's it from?'  
  
'Bullseye.' Typhoid says.  
  
'BLOODY HELL!' Betsy shouts from the kitchen.  
  
Typhoid ignores the sudden outburst and continues her story. 'I teamed up with Bullseye for a job. The job went off nice and cleanly but when it came for my cut of the money, Bullseye stiffed me!'  
  
'The jerk!' Wade growls. 'I know I might not be the perfect gentleman but I've never stiffed somebody on their share of my money!'  
  
'So you'll take the job?' Typhoid asks.  
  
'You got yourself a deal!' Wade says, shaking her hand. 'As long as I get ten percent!'  
  
***  
  
Later, after Wade and Betsy have changed into their hero gear, they join Typhoid in, what Wade likes to call, 'The Dead-Mobile!' It's actually an old clapped-out Aston Martin with flaky paint.  
  
'I see your taste in cars hasn't changed.' Typhoid smirks.  
  
'What do you mean?' Wade asks in defence. 'This is a classic piece of machinery!'  
  
'Yeah, in nineteen eighty-nine!' Betsy joins in.  
  
'See!' Typhoid continues. 'Even your girlfriend agrees with me!'  
  
'And you can shut up too!' Betsy hisses, turning to the redheaded schizo. 'The only reason that I'm here instead of being in bead like any normal person with a hangover would be is so I can make sure that you don't get your bloody nails into my bloody man!'  
  
'Maybe I wouldn't need to if you were any good in bed!' Typhoid spits.  
  
'Oh that's it!' Betsy snarls. 'You're going down!' She then grabs Typhoid in a headlock and starts to pull her hair and tear at her clothes. Inside the car, Wade bangs his head against the steering wheel with exasperation.  
  
'Sometimes I regret being brought back to life!' he sighs.  
  
***  
  
Wade, Betsy and Typhoid are now sat in silence in the car on the way to Bullseye's hideout. Wade is driving with Betsy beside him. She, just like Typhoid, has her arms crossed and a pissed expression on her face. She looks into the rear-view mirror and looks at typhoid's reflection. 'Trollop!' She mutters.  
  
'Cow!' Typhoid shoots back.  
  
'Tart!'  
  
'Harpy!'  
  
'Slag!'  
  
Wade steps on the breaks and turns to the arguing women. 'if I have to tell you one more time to stop arguing, I'll turn this car around and go back home! I'm not joking, I'm serious!'  
  
'She started it!' Betsy pouts.  
  
'She did!' Typhoid mutters.  
  
'Shh!' Wade says.  
  
'Bu...'  
  
'Shh!'  
  
'Bu...'  
  
'Just know that I've got a whole bag of 'shh' here with your name on it!' Shh! That was as pre-emptive shh! So stop it!'  
  
Betsy and Typhoid sulk in silence and leave wade to the driving.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, back at the agency, Jubilee and Angelo have finally got up out of bed. They walk into the office, leaning on each other for support.  
  
'I can't believe we got so drunk!' Jubilee winces. 'How many drinks did I drink?'  
  
'Eight bottles of beer and nine tequila shots annnnd... five double vodkas!' Angelo answers her, counting off his fingers.  
  
Jubilee slumps down on nearby chair.  
  
'Just leave me alone to die!' She moans.  
  
'Why doesn't wade have a hangover?' Angelo asks.  
  
Jubilee rubs her eyes and squints at her boyfriend. 'Because of his freakin' healing factor! Damn jerk can't even get drunk! Just like Logan actually. As a matter of fact, back when I was with the X-Men...'  
  
Angelo covers his ears and moans into his lap at the sound of jubilee's old catchphrase. 'I wonder if the Avengers are looking for members?'  
  
TBC 


	8. The Return of Sweet Cheeks: Part 2

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 8: The Return of Sweet Cheeks: Part 2  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own Deadpool, Psylocke, Jubilee, Skin, and Bullseye OR Typhoid Mary. It's all Marvel's, damn them! I also don't own Austin Powers OR Futurama. They belong to whoever owns them.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- The Queen of Strawberry Cheesecake? Oookay...Here's your update. Please don't stalk me! Come to think of it, I'd be happy to have a stalker as good-looking as you! * wink * ^_~  
  
Risty- You've read New Mutants #9 then? Damn them! *shakes fist angrily * They've got rid of Rahne's accent! Without it she's just another hot redhead! Liked the Austin Powers joke huh? More up next! Grr baby! Very grr!  
  
The car containing Wade, Betsy and Typhoid Mary has just pulled up in the parking garage of Bullseye's apartment. Betsy and Typhoid are once again arguing. It's starting to wear a little thin.  
  
'At least I don't walk around in what looks like football shoulder pads!'  
  
'At least I don't walk around in a skanky old purple ninja bikini!'  
  
Betsy snarls and makes a fist, making a psychic knife. Wade jumps in before there can be bloodshed, well more of it anyway!  
  
'You two stop it!'  
  
'She insulted by fashion sense!' Betsy pouts.  
  
'Betsy, zip it!'  
  
'Bu...'  
  
'Zip it!'  
  
'Bu...'  
  
'Zip!'  
  
'Bu...'  
  
'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exZIPit A!'  
  
'This isn't...'  
  
'Would you like a zupple of my ZIPle?'  
  
'Oh come on!'  
  
'When a proud man comes along, you must... ZIP IT!'  
  
'Sham about that Bets.' Typhoid smirks. 'Wade's got you good!'  
  
Wade turns to the red haired schizo.  
  
'Typhoid?'  
  
'Yeah?'  
  
'DON'T!'  
  
'What's that supposed to mean?'  
  
'TYPHOID DON'T!'  
  
'This is getting old!'  
  
'Typhoid n'est pas. Subtitle- TYPHOID DON'T!'  
  
'I don't have to stand for this crap!'  
  
***  
  
Upstairs, in his 'rented' apartment, Bullseye is zonked out asleep in front of the TV. There is a knock on the door.  
  
'Zznort... I want a bloody costume...'  
  
There's another knock, this time louder. Bullseye rubs his eyes, mutters various curses and gets up to open it.  
  
'Who is it?'  
  
'Pizza delivery for Mister I. C. Weiner?'  
  
'I didn't order no pizza!' Bullseye shouts through the door. 'An' besides, my name ain't I. C. Weiner!'  
  
'Pity.' The 'pizza delivery guy' says. Then, the door is shot to pieces as someone blasts through it with a pair of twin Uzis.  
  
'Honey, I'm hooome!' Yup! It's Deadpool!  
  
Bullseye runs over to the window and leaps outside onto the fire escape.  
  
'Quick!' Wade yells. 'He's heading for the window!'  
  
Wade, Betsy and Typhoid follow him out onto the fire escape. They run up to the roof. On the roof Bullseye turns around and looks for a way off. Too late, Wade and co reach the top of the fire escape.  
  
'Give it up Bullseye!' Betsy yells. 'There's no where to run!'  
  
'That's what you think 'luv'!' Bullseye grins as he reaches behind his back. He pulls out two sharpened paperclips.  
  
'Ooh! Look at me!' Wade taunts. 'I'm the big bad assassin! I've got two paperclips and I'm gonna kill you with them! I'm Sooo scared!'  
  
Bullseye throws the paperclips at wade. They fly through the air and stick in Wade's throat.  
  
'Ow!'  
  
Bullseye then runs to the roof ledge. He looks down and prepares to jump. Then Typhoid shouts something out.  
  
'Hey, Target-Head!'  
  
Bullseye turns around. Typhoid grins at him evilly.  
  
'BURN!'  
  
Bullseye screams as he bursts into flames.  
  
'Typhoid no!' Betsy yells. 'You're going to kill him!'  
  
'Don't worry my pretty, pretty, pretty!' Typhoid grins again. 'He'll be alright!'  
  
Oh no he won'! In the process of trying to pat out the flames with his hands, Bullseye loses his flooring on the roof ledge and falls.  
  
'NO!' Wade and Betsy simultaneously yell.  
  
Several floors down, Bullseye can be heard landing on a nearby dumpster with a PANG! Wade and co runs over to the roof ledge and look down.  
  
'Ooh! That musta hurt!' Wade winces.  
  
'I'd better make sure that he stays there!' Typhoid snarls, taking out one of her machetes. Betsy grabs her arm, preventing her from doing so.  
  
'Don't do it!' She warns.  
  
'Oh chill out 'luv.' I'm not gonna kill him. Just hurt him, a lot!'  
  
Betsy lets go of Typhoid's arm. Typhoid then drops her machete down the building. It sticks into Bullseye's hand, stapling him to the dumpster.  
  
'So what're we gonna do now?' Wade asks.  
  
'I dunno about you.' Typhoid says. 'But I'm gonna get my money!'  
  
'I've got an idea where we can leave Bullseye!' Betsy smiles.  
  
'Got an idea Bets?' Wade asks. 'Sha-are!'  
  
***  
  
The law offices of Murdock and Nelson-  
  
Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson, the lawyers in question, look up from their work as they hear a knock on the door.  
  
'Special delivery!' Someone calls.  
  
'You expecting a package Matt?' Foggy asks.  
  
'I don't think so.' Matt says as he opens the door. 'Huh. Nobody's here!'  
  
Foggy walks up to see what's the what. Sitting in the hallway to their law firm is a large gift-wrapped box.  
  
'DD-Sense tingling?' Foggy asks his friend.  
  
Matt walks up to the parcel and places his ear to it.  
  
'Oh my God! There's someone inside!'  
  
Foggy runs up and helps him shred the wrapping away. As soon as they open it, they jump away as an unconscious body falls out.  
  
'Oh no!' Foggy gasps. 'Bullseye!'  
  
Matt picks up a piece of paper.  
  
'There's a note! It says 'Hope you enjoy this present, best wishes, your friendly Neighbourhood Merc-With-A-Mouth!'  
  
'What does that mean?' Foggy asks.  
  
Matt sniffs the note to see if he can catch a familiar scent.  
  
'Deadpool.' He says with a slight smile. 'I heard you were alive!' He then sniffs it again. This time his face blanches at the familiar smell. 'Oh no!'  
  
'What is it?' A concerned Foggy asks.  
  
'Typhoid Mary!'  
  
***  
  
BLEW HQ-  
  
Wade, Betsy and Typhoid are now joined by Jubilee and Angelo. Typhoid is now searching through the suitcase of money, counting it.  
  
'How much do I owe you?' She asks.  
  
Wade gets a cheeky smile on his face. 'I wouldn't mind... one meeelion dollars!'  
  
'Why not have five?' Typhoid asks, handing Wade a wad of cash.  
  
Wade clutches his heart, makes several gurgling noises, foams at the mouth and faints!  
  
'Yoink!' Betsy grins, snatching the wad away from Typhoid.  
  
'So.' Typhoid grins, sitting down. 'You guys looking for an intern or something?'  
  
Betsy, Jubilee and Angelo get a worried look on their faces.  
  
'You don't mean...?'  
  
'Yup! Can I join your gang?'  
  
Now it's Betsy, Jubilee and Angelo's turn to clutch their chest, make gurgling noises and faint!  
  
'Heh!' Typhoid chuckles. 'I'll take that as a guess then shall I?'  
  
END! (For now, anyway!) 


	9. Merc in a Tutu

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 9: Merc in a Tutu  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I own nothing. All Marvel characters belong to uh... Marvel. This chapter is based on the Angel episode 'Waiting in the Wings' which I also don't own. That belongs to Joss Whedon and Fox. I don't own The Darkness either. I own a Darkness CD, but that's about it!  
  
Shout outs-  
  
Dark Jaded rose- Yup, Typhoid is going to join BLEW. And I STILL think you're good-looking! Rrowr! *kiss* ^_~  
  
Risty- I like money too! You didn't comment on the 'zip it' and 'Typhoid don't' things! I put them in just for you! You liked the DD cameo, huh? More from the Man Without Fear soon! I don't know why Typhoid Mary is called what she is, maybe because she's evil and a psycho?  
  
***  
  
It's midmorning in the offices of the Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson detective agency. Unusually, everyone is up and ready for work. Everyone except Wade that is!  
  
'Jubes, have you seen Wade?' Betsy asks.  
  
Jubilee looks up from her random gossip magazine and pops her gum.  
  
'He said that he had to go out and get some tickets.'  
  
'What for?' Betsy asks again.  
  
This time it is Angelo's turn to answer. His head pops up from behind his computer.  
  
'We're goin' top a rock concert!' He grins.  
  
'Who are we going to see?' Typhoid Mary asks, her head popping around the corner.  
  
'We're going to see... The Darkness!' Angelo grins again.  
  
'Oh... My... God!' Typhoid, Betsy and Jubilee say simultaneously. 'They are SO cool!'  
  
'Damn straight!'  
  
Jubilee starts to panic.  
  
'Holy crap! I haven't got anything to wear!'  
  
'Neither have I!' Betsy joins in.  
  
'ARGH!' They both scream. 'SHOPPING TRIP!'  
  
'I'm just going as I am.' Typhoid sniffs.  
  
'What?' Angelo asks. 'Fishnet stockings, high-heeled boots and spiky football shoulder pads?'  
  
'Yup!' Typhoid answers. 'I'll fit in just great! What with the lead singer prancing about in spandex pants!'  
  
At that moment, Wade walks in from his ticket quest.  
  
'DOOOM!' He yells.  
  
'What was that all in aid of?' Betsy asks.  
  
'I was my Magneto impression.' Wade grins. 'You like?'  
  
Betsy just rolls her eyes and returns to adding up the bills.  
  
'Whoa! Tough crowd!'  
  
Angelo gets up off his chair and walks up to Wade.  
  
'Let's see the tickets then!'  
  
Wade hands the tickets to Angelo.  
  
'I've got tickets to something WAAAY better than a Darkness concert!' He grins.  
  
'Ballet?' Angelo asks. 'You got tickets to the BALLET?'  
  
'Yup!'  
  
'Dude! You SO Need a testosterone replacement!'  
  
'I don't know.' Betsy says. 'I used to love the ballet as a child. It might be fun! Get ourselves dolled up, have a night out!'  
  
'You know what that means.' Jubilee grins.  
  
'SHOPPING TRIP!' Betsy joins.  
  
***  
  
Later, everyone is dressed and waiting in the main foyer. Betsy is wearing a slinky purple cocktail dress. Typhoid is wearing a dress in the same style but black, and several degrees sluttier. Tangelo is wearing a tuxedo and Jubilee is wearing a sparkly green dress. She's attempting to tie Angelo's bowtie for him.  
  
'You're a grown man and you tell me that you've never tied a bowtie before?' She asks her boyfriend.  
  
'There wasn't much need for one when you lived in the Barrio, chica!' Angelo answers.  
  
'Everybody ready?' Wade asks.  
  
'Uh... Wade...' Betsy says, pointing to Wade's clothes. 'Hadn't you better get changed?'  
  
Wade looks down at his clothes. He's wearing a pink tutu over his usual red and black costume.  
  
'What?' he asks. 'Too much?'  
  
***  
  
The gang are now sat in their private box in the theatre.  
  
'I just wanna say.' Angelo moans. 'I didn't want to come here, to see some guys prancing about like girly-men!'  
  
'Oh shut up Angelo!' Jubilee sighs. 'Sit down and enjoy it!'  
  
Typhoid is reading the program.  
  
'I don't believe it!' She grins. 'I saw this same troupe ten years ago! They were doing Swan Lake! It made me cry like a girl, and I was evil!'  
  
The music for the beginning starts and a hush descends as the show starts. A guy comes prancing onto the stage.  
  
'Jeez!' Angelo winces. 'You can see that guy's package... OW!' He winces as Jubilee elbows him in the ribs and shushes him.  
  
***  
  
It is now time for the interval and the gang are gathered in the foyer.  
  
'Excuse me everyone.' Betsy says. 'Gotta go to the little girls' room!'  
  
'Yeah, I've gotta go for a pee too!' Wade agrees.  
  
'Don't be gone for too long!' Jubilee says. 'The second half begins soon!'  
  
'We'll be fine!' Wade grins as he and Betsy walk off in the direction of the bathrooms.  
  
Several minutes later-  
  
Wade and Betsy turn a corner and find themselves at a dead end.  
  
'Okay that's great!' Betsy groans. 'We're lost!'  
  
'Don't worry Cute Buns!' Wade grins. 'We'll find our way out soon!'  
  
'Famous lasts words.' Betsy mumbles under her breath. 'We're gonna end up wandering about backstage like Spinal Tap at that concert, or Angel and Cordelia in that episode of Angel when they go to the ballet!'  
  
***  
  
Back upstairs, Jubilee, Angelo and Typhoid wait impatiently.  
  
'I wish they would hurry up!' Angelo sighs. 'I wanna go back in and watch the rest of the show! The way the dancers move it almost like it's...'  
  
He looks at Jubilee and Typhoid as they smirk at his newfound love of ballet.  
  
'Okay.' He sighs. 'Not a word of this to anyone, I've got a rep to maintain!'  
  
The announcement for the beginning of the second half then goes out over the PA system.  
  
'It doesn't look like they're coming back.' Typhoid says. 'Do you think we should go look for them?'  
  
'Yeah.' Jubilee agrees. 'They might be in trouble!'  
  
***  
  
Back downstairs, Wade and Betsy are still lost! Wade opens a random door and they walk into a room. They look around.  
  
'Oh my God!' Wade gasps. 'This must be the Prima Ballerina's dressing room!' he then looks around some more. 'Betsy. Betsy? Where are you? Cute Buns?'  
  
Suddenly, Wade is knocked to the floor as Betsy pounces on him and mashes his mouth with hers.  
  
'Whoa there Cute Buns!' Wade wheezes. 'Getting a little eager aren't we?'  
  
'Just shut and kiss me!' Betsy says, her eyes glimmering with a predatory gleam.  
  
'Okay!' Wade grins. 'You don't need to tell me twice!'  
  
Betsy straddles him and tears off his tuxedo jacket and shirt. She mashes his mouth with hers again.  
  
'ARGH! Cold hands!' Wade winces.  
  
***  
  
Angelo, Jubilee and Typhoid are now searching backstage for their friends. Typhoid spots someone moving around. She runs to catch up. Jubilee and Angelo follow. They round a corner and see what seems to be a ballerina fade through a door.  
  
'I knew I recognised the ballerina on stage!' Typhoid says. 'She was the same on in the show that I saw ten years ago!'  
  
'Whoa!' Jubilee says. 'Déjà vu! This reminds me of that episode of Angel when...'  
  
'Everyone gets trapped backstage and the leader of the troupe is this evil sorcerer guy who has the Prima Ballerina under his thrall!' Angelo finishes.  
  
'You go and find Wade and Betsy.' Typhoid says. 'I'll go get the sorcerer guy!' And with that they split up.  
  
***  
  
Typhoid approaches the entrance to the troupe leader's private box. Luckily there isn't any guards about. She quietly sneaks in the door and is about to grab him when...  
  
'Hello!' The troupe leader grins evilly. 'How may I help you?'  
  
'You can start by giving me your wacky amulet thing!' Typhoid hisses.  
  
'I don't think so!' Sorcerer Guy grins. 'This is the source of my power and with it I keep my beloved Prima Ballerina under my thrall, forev... OW!'  
  
Typhoid gets bored with the guys blathering and punches him on the nose. She then snatches his amulet away.  
  
'HA! Got ya amulet!'  
  
SMASH! She crushes it under her foot.  
  
'NOOOO!' Sorcerer guy moans. 'I loved her! She will be mine forever!'  
  
'Oh get over it you loser!' Typhoid sighs. 'Sleep!'  
  
Sorcerer Guy passes out.  
  
'And now to find the others!'  
  
***  
  
Wade and Betsy-  
  
Wade and Betsy are now well and truly uh... *ahem* under the amulets power.  
  
'We can't do this.' Wade wheezes. 'We're being possessed some how! It must be the Prima Ballerina and her lover's spirits!'  
  
'You've seen that episode too huh?' Betsy asks.  
  
'Yup!' Wade answers.  
  
'So you wanna stop?'  
  
'Hell no!'  
  
Betsy then traces kisses down Wade's chest until... WHAM! Jubilee kicks the dressing room door open.  
  
'Don't worry you to! We're here to rescue... HOLY CRAP! Put some clothes on for Flonq's sake!'  
  
***  
  
The gang are now assembled outside BLEW HQ.  
  
'And you saw them COMPLETELY naked and... doing it?' Typhoid asks.  
  
'Uh-Huh!'  
  
'You didn't happen to get photos did you?'  
  
'Please stop talking anytime you want!' Betsy groans.  
  
They walk into the door and an unusual sight greets them.  
  
'PYRO?' Betsy gasps, not believing her eyes at the sight of the formerly dead member of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. 'What are you doing here?'  
  
'Some guy with a deep booming voice brought me back from the dead an. Said that I had you come help you blokes!'  
  
'The more the merrier I suppose.' Wade sighs. 'Welcome aboard buddy!'  
  
Pyro takes Wade's hand and shakes it. Then he sees Typhoid Mary.  
  
'Well g'day Sheila! What's a sexy thing like you doin' here?'  
  
All Typhoid can do is mumble and blush deeply.  
  
'Oh great!' Betsy whispers to Jubilee. 'Now we've got TWO psychos on the team!'  
  
'Uh, Betsy...' Jubilee says. 'I think you'd better make that THREE!'  
  
Betsy looks behind her and sees wade. He's now back in his pink tutu and blonde wig and is prancing about!  
  
'Oh bloody 'ell!'  
  
END! 


	10. BLEW World Tour

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 10: BLEW World Tour  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I own nothing, it all belongs to Marvel, damn them!  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- Watch out for more wackiness with Wade dressing up soon! Thanks for the review! * Kiss * ^_~  
  
Risty- Glad you got the references! Look out for more soon! ENJOY!  
  
***  
  
As usual Wade is the first to get up. He walks out of his room, pulls on Betsy's purple silk robe and goes to check on the mail.  
  
'Bills, bills, junk, bills. Ooh! Free sample of shampoo, bills, bills.  
  
He throws the bills in the trash and goes to get some breakfast.  
  
***  
  
The rest of the BLEW gang are sat at the breakfast table eating. Betsy turns to Wade and starts talking about holidays. 'So where do you want to go for our anniversary?'  
  
'I didn't know you guys got married.' Jubilee adds.  
  
'Anniversary of our first date.' Betsy corrects.  
  
'I thought we could go to Canada.' Wade grins.  
  
Betsy snorts in derision.  
  
'France?'  
  
'Ha!'  
  
'Thailand?'  
  
'I know what your game is, Wade Wilson, and the answer is no!'  
  
'Well that's me out of ideas!' Wade sighs.  
  
Typhoid then chooses that moment to speak up.  
  
'You know, I've still got some of that money left that we got from Bullseye. Why don't we go on a Round the World trip?'  
  
'Yeah!' Wade grins. 'That sounds cool! Whatta ya say Cute Buns?'  
  
'What do you mean we?' Betsy asks.  
  
'You don't expect to go on vacation without us do you?' Typhoid grins.  
  
'Yeah, sure, you can come along too!' Betsy sighs.  
  
'Watch out everyone!' Wade yells. 'It's the BLEW World Tour!'  
  
***  
  
'Are we there yet?'  
  
'No!'  
  
'Are we there yet?'  
  
'No!'  
  
'Are we there yet?'  
  
'NO! Wade, you're the one driving!'  
  
'Oh!'  
  
Wade quits and concentrates on the road.  
  
'Where are we goin' anyway?' John asks.  
  
'Chicago.' Angelo answers.  
  
'I thought we were goin' on a World Tour?'  
  
'We're gonna travel around America first.' Jubilee answers.  
  
'I wanted to go to Australia!' John pouts.  
  
'Don't worry Johnny!' Typhoid smirks, patting John's head. 'We'll get there eventually.  
  
***  
  
The shiny new DeadMobile (also brought with Typhoid's money) pulls up outside a swanky looking Chicago hotel and everyone steps out.  
  
'Whoa!' Jubilee breathes. 'Are we gonna be able to afford to stay here?'  
  
'How much money have we got left, Typhoid?' Wade asks.  
  
'Fifteen mil!'  
  
'Hommina...'  
  
***  
  
Later, after everyone has got to their rooms and unpacked, Wade lies back on the bed in his boxer shorts with a pleased sigh.  
  
'This is the life eh, Cute Buns? Swanky hotels, expensive champagne, chocolates...'  
  
'Sexy nightgowns!'  
  
Wade sits up as he sees Betsy walk in from the bathroom wearing a sexy looking purple negligee.  
  
'You like?' Betsy asks.  
  
'Uh-huh.' Wade manages to say.  
  
Betsy leans closer and kisses him.  
  
'Happy anniversary lover!'  
  
'Happy anniversary Cute Buns!'  
  
***  
  
In the room next to them, Angelo is sat up in bed watching the TV while Jubilee gets ready for bed. Angelo switches to a random wrestling show and gets comfortable. He doesn't even look up when jubilee walks in wearing a nightgown not unlike Betsy's, but yellow.  
  
'You ready for be Angelo?' Jubilee coos.  
  
'Uh-huh.' Angelo grunts.  
  
Jubilee just rolls her eyes at Angelo's ignorance.  
  
'Hello, scantily clad female, ready for sex!'  
  
Angelo still ignores her, engrossed in the TV. Jubilee pouts, then she gets and idea. She leaps at Angelo, knocking him off the bed and begins to smother him with kisses! Needless to say, the TV is forgotten.  
  
***  
  
John has just got comfortable in bed when someone knocks on his door. He mutters as he goes to open it. Typhoid Mary stands at his door clad in a slinky black silk robe with a bottle of champagne and two glasses in her hands.  
  
'I just wanted to see if you wanted a night cap.'  
  
'Yeah sure, come in Sheila.' John says, welcoming her in. 'Make yerself comfortable.'  
  
Typhoid sits down on the edge of the bed and pours the champagne into the glasses. She offers one to John.  
  
'Thanks luv.'  
  
'Cheers!' Typhoid says, clinking their glasses together.  
  
'Cheers!' John adds as they both down their drinks.  
  
'So.' Typhoid begins. 'A former villain turned good huh? You ever fought Daredevil?'  
  
'Once.' John answers. 'Needless ter say, I got beat.'  
  
'Been there, done that!' Typhoid sighs. 'I fell in love with him once. Well, one of my multiple personalities did.' She then moves closer and places her hand on John's thigh.  
  
'You got a girl, John?'  
  
'There was this Sheila in Westchester but nothin' ever came of it.'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'I died.'  
  
'Oh! That musta sucked!'  
  
'Pretty much, yeah.'  
  
'So you're single then?' Typhoid continues.  
  
'Yer could say that, yeah.'  
  
Typhoid moves closer and kisses him. John returns the kiss and lowers them both back onto the bed.  
  
***  
  
The next morning, the gang are stood in the main foyer of the hotel, deciding where to go.  
  
'I say we hit the clothes stores!' Jubilee says.  
  
'No, the weapons stores!' Typhoid adds.  
  
'Nah, ya don't want ter go there, Sheila, yer wanna got ter the park!'  
  
'I've always wanted to go see the bulls!' Angelo adds.  
  
'Nah, those ideas all suck!' Wade says. 'Let's go hit the bars!'  
  
Betsy hits him with a glare.  
  
'Or we could do that later.'  
  
They all decide to go on a shopping trip, much to Jubilee's glee.  
  
***  
  
After their daylong shopping trip, they all decide to get ready to hit the bars. Wade and Betsy are presently sitting in the car, waiting for the others. One by one, they exit the hotel and get into the car.  
  
'Are yer sure this is a good idea?' John asks. 'If we're gonna go to a bar, we're gonna get drunk right? Who's drivin?'  
  
'Me!' Wade adds. 'I've got a healing factor, I can't get drunk!'  
  
'Just a few rules before we leave.' Betsy begins. 'No drinking games and NO Strip Twister!'  
  
'Spoilsport!' Wade pouts.  
  
***  
  
The car containing the gang pulls up outside a bar. The outside is lit up by a large neon sigh depicting a scantily clad devil girl dancing.  
  
'Ooh!' Wade grins. 'The Belles of Hell, sounds like fun!'  
  
'Wade, you are such a perv!' Jubilee groans.  
  
'Betsy seems to like it, don't ya Cute Buns?'  
  
Betsy just rolls her eyes and walks in.  
  
'Less talking, more drinking!'  
  
As they walk in, they all look around at the club; there is a large dance floor in the middle of the club with several bars along the walls. Jubilee and Angelo head straight for the dance floor.  
  
'You guys grab a seat while me and Betsy get the drinks.' Wade says.  
  
The couple walk up to a nearby bar and Wade gasps as he recognises the woman behind the bar.  
  
'As I live and breathe!' he gasps. 'Kitty Pryde!'  
  
Kitty spins around at the sound of the voice and drops the vodka bottle that she was refilling.  
  
'Aw hell, Deadpool!'  
  
TBC... 


	11. That Just Ain't Cricket!

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 11: That Just Ain't Cricket!  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything, it all belongs to Marvel.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
L1701E- Glad you like it! Chapter 9- You liked Pyro? Good! More fire-  
related insanity soon! Bring back a dead wrestler? No plans, sorry!  
Chapter 10- Pyro and Typhoid make a crazy couple don't they? You know  
that Daredevil's gonna make an appearance and ruin everything! Whoops!  
I've just gone and ruined a future plotline! I don't have any more  
plans to bring back anyone else. If it's lots of resurrections that  
you want, why don't you read 'New Mutants: August? I've got lots of  
resurrections planned there! Clue- A British Mutant, formerly of  
Excalibur, and a certain telekinetic/telepathic redhead (It's not who  
you think!) And more besides!  
  
***  
  
The Belles of Hell Bar: Chicago-  
  
Kitty Pryde stars in amazement at the sight of Deadpool standing  
before her.  
  
'Surprised to see me?' The Merc-With-A-Mouth asks.  
  
'You could say that.' Kitty replies, walking out from behind the bar.  
  
'Don't I get a welcome?' Betsy asks.  
  
Kitty smiles widely and gives the purple-haired telepath a hug.  
  
'Some people never stay dead!' Kitty jokes.  
  
'What about us, Sheila?' Pyro asks.  
  
Kitty spins around and looks at the former Brotherhood member.  
  
'I knew that the X-Men's standards had started to drop, but allowing  
former members of the Brotherhood in?'  
  
Typhoid clears her throat to get attention.  
  
'And psychotic schizophrenic killers? Are you insane?'  
  
She then looks at Deadpool trying to catch peanuts in his mouth.  
  
'I stand corrected!'  
  
Betsy explains why they are all there.  
  
'Wade and myself were resurrected to steal a random mystical doo-dad  
from Dr Doom and after that, Angelo was resurrected and we moved to  
Manhattan and started our own detective agency. Then Typhoid and John  
joined.'  
  
'I need to sit down.' Kitty groans.  
  
***  
  
Kitty has now finished her shift at the bar and is on her way back to  
her apartment. Against her better knowledge, she invited Wade and co  
back with her.  
  
'Nice place you got here Kit.' Jubilee says.  
  
'It's comfy.' Kitty replies, unlocking her door. No sooner had this happened then Wade is attacked by a purple blur.  
  
'Lockheed!' Kitty yells at her dragon. 'Behave!'  
  
The little purple dragon lets go of Wade's face and drops to the floor and slinks back into the apartment.  
  
'Nice dragon you got there.' Wade sniffs, dabbing his wounds.  
  
'Sorry about him.' Kitty apologises. 'He's a little wary of strangers.'  
  
'And you don't get stranger than Wade.' Angelo quips.  
  
When they get inside, Kitty brews up some coffee and they get talking.  
  
'So you guys are together?' She asks Wade and Betsy.'  
  
'Uh-huh.' Wade answers. 'She's my Cut Buns!'  
  
'And Wade's my Snuggle Muffin!' Betsy joins in.  
  
Wade spits out his coffee in shock.  
  
'Betsy!' He gasps. 'Not in front of the dragon!' he then looks over at Lockheed and swears that he saw him giving him the finger.  
  
'So, anybody else together?' Kitty asks.  
  
Jubilee and Angelo stick their hands up.  
  
Kitty hugs her friend in congratulations.  
  
'Awww! You guys deserve each other!'  
  
'She only wants me for my bready goodness!' Angelo mock sighs.  
  
'And the fact that he's a Viking in the sack!' Jubilee smirks.  
  
'Me and John are together too!' Typhoid grins.  
  
'Uh... You guys deserve each other too... I suppose.' Kitty says, freaked out at the thought of two psychos together.  
  
'So Betsy, how does Warren feel about the fact that you're dating Deadpool?'  
  
'I don't think he's best pleased.' Betsy replies. 'Then again, who is he to judge, he's dating Paige Guthrie!'  
  
'Get out!' Kitty gasps in amazement. 'No way!'  
  
'Yes way!' Wade replies. 'And Hank McCoy is boinking Emma Frost!'  
  
'Some things never cease to amaze me!' Kitty grins. 'It's about time that Hank got some lovin!'  
  
'And the Juggernaut has joined the X-Men too!' Betsy continues. 'And Alex summers is shagging the school nurse and Northstar has a crush of Bobby Drake!'  
  
'How did you fine this out?' Kitty asks.  
  
Betsy taps her temples in reply.  
  
'Oh right, telepath, got it! So, does Brian know that you're alive, Bets?'  
  
'Oh yeah, he and Meggan helped us move in.'  
  
'What about Siryn?' Kitty asks, referring to Wade's former heartthrob.  
  
'Oh crap!' Wade gasps. 'She doesn't even know that I'm alive! Oh well, we'll most probably stop by in Paris on our World Tour right?'  
  
'I damn well hop so!' Jubilee replies. 'I wanna see all those cool Parisian stores!'  
  
'I shopping all you think about?' Angelo asks.  
  
'Well that and sex.' Jubilee replies.  
  
Angelo's grey skin turns red at the sound of Jubilee's words.  
  
'Awww!' Kitty coos. 'Your boyfriend's blushing!'  
  
***  
  
It is now time for Wade and co to leave. Kitty stands at her door and gives them all a hug, even Typhoid and Pyro.  
  
'So where are you guys going next?'  
  
'I thought we might go to California to pop in and see Rogue and Remy. Apparently they've got a nice beach house there.'  
  
'You know what that means, don'cha Cute Buns?' Wade grins.  
  
'Yeah!' John replies. 'Barbeques!  
  
'Fire is cool!' Typhoid agrees.  
  
'Right.' Kitty says. 'Don't you be strangers! And Wade?'  
  
'Yeah?'  
  
'This is for that time in Hong Kong!'  
  
'Huh?'  
  
WHAP! Kitty knees him in the groin.  
  
'Ooh!'  
  
Betsy and the others try to stifle their laughter.  
  
'No fair!' wade squeaks. 'I may have been in the wrong, trapping you in that bubble thing, but you don't just knee a guy in the pills, that just ain't cricket!'  
  
TBC... 


	12. BLEW My Hat Off

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 12: 'Blew My Hat Off...'  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything, it ALL belongs to Marvel!  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Risty- You like cricket? Are you quite mad? Glad you liked the Kitty cameo! More cameos up next! Siryn is going to make an appearance in a couple of chapters' time, no three-way catfight with Betsy and Typhoid though, sorry! A shiny new billy club if you can guess all of the references in today's chapter!  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- Heh! Typhoid and Pyro make such a cool couple don't they! I've just found my new gimmick, random pairings! Thanks for the review! * Kiss * ^_~  
  
***  
  
A Gas Station several miles outside Valle Soleada: California-  
  
Wade, Jubilee, Angelo, Typhoid and Pyro are waiting outside the gas station for Betsy, who's buying random snacks for the rest of the journey. Wade is asleep in the passenger seat while Angelo, Typhoid and Pyro play an impromptu game of poker for M&Ms. Jubilee meanwhile is alternating from rooting for Angelo to trying to see how far she can stick a pencil up Wade's nose without him waking up. Jubilee freezes as Wade shifts in his sleep.  
  
'Snake!' (1) Wade mumbles, then he resumes snoring and drooling on his shoulder. Jubilee sticks her tongue out in concentration as she continues sliding the pencil up Wade's nose. 'Six breasts!' (2) Wade mumbles again.  
  
Jubilee looks up as Betsy opens up the car door and dumps a grocery bag full of chips and soda onto Wade's lap. Wade sits up with a shout. 'BLEW MY HAT OFF!' (3)  
  
Betsy raises an eyebrow at Wade's random bouts of insanity.  
  
'Was I asleep?' Wade asks, as he mops up the drool from his chin.  
  
'You were snoring.' Jubilee answers.  
  
'I could here you from inside!' Betsy adds.  
  
'You were drooling too!' Angelo adds, not looking up from his poker game.  
  
'And spouting random crap!' Typhoid joins.  
  
'What was it this time?' Wade asks.  
  
'Somthin about a snake with six breasts that blew yer hat off!' Pyro adds, picking up a card.  
  
'Sometimes I dread to think what goes on in that mind of yours Wade!' Betsy grins.  
  
'Why don't you take a look, Cute Buns?' Wade asks with a lecherous glint in his eye.  
  
Betsy sighs and uses her telepathy to read Wade's thoughts.  
  
* We want chicken, we want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver... * (4)  
  
Betsy just shakes her head and starts up the car, driving off.  
  
***  
  
The town of Valle Soleada: Later-  
  
The DeadMobile cruises along the Valle Soleada coastline with the roof down so its occupants can enjoy the Californian sunshine. Well, Betsy, Typhoid and Jubilee are enjoying the sunshine; the guys are ogling the scantily clad beach babes strolling past.  
  
'Silicon... mountains and mountains of silicon... The horror... The horror...' (5) Wade squeaks.  
  
Betsy sends a telepathic slap his way as she pulls up outside a swanky looking beach house.  
  
'Are you sure this is the place Bets?' Jubilee asks.  
  
Betsy looks at the address written on a piece of paper.  
  
'This is the address Hank gave me.' She answers.  
  
'Doesn't look like anybody's in.' Typhoid comments.  
  
'I know how to get some attention!' Wade says, leaning over and pressing the horn repeatedly. 'YO! ANYBODY HOME?' He yells. 'SERVICE!!'  
  
In response, a figure walks out the door, wiping her hands on a dishrag.  
  
'Yeah, yeah, alraght, ah'm comin!'  
  
The figure halts as she sees the car.  
  
'Oh mah Gawd!' The figure gasps. 'Betsy! Why aren't yah dead?'  
  
'I got better!' (6) Betsy grins.  
  
The figure (who just happens to have a white stripe running through her hair) runs up to the car and grabs Betsy in a huge bear hug.  
  
'Oh mah Gawd! It's great to see yah Bets!' Rogue grins, still hugging Betsy.  
  
Betsy doesn't answer as she is staring in amazement at Rogue who's wearing teeny-tiny shorts and a T-Shirt tied around her chest, oh, and the huge tribal style tattoo that's running all the way down her left arm.  
  
'Uh, Rogue, not that I'm not glad to see you or anything but, why am I still conscious?'  
  
'Ah lost mah powers a while ago.' Rogue grins. 'So me an' Remy decided to take a leave of absence.'  
  
'Ahem!' Someone clears their throat back in the car. Rogue lets go of Betsy and stares in amazement at the assembled gang in the car.  
  
'G'day Rogue.' Pyro grins. 'Long time no see Sheila!'  
  
'Pyro? But... How... You're dead!'  
  
'Long story!'  
  
Then Rogue gapes at the sight of Typhoid Mary with her arm around him.  
  
'An you're getting' snugly with Typhoid Mary, lovely!'  
  
'What about us?' Jubilee asks.  
  
'Oh raght, hi Jubes, and Angelo. Why don't y'all come on inside, Remy an' the others'll be back soon.  
  
'What others?' Angelo asks.  
  
'Why Storm, Bishop, Sage, Sam an' Amara of course!'  
  
***  
  
Wade and co are now sat on Rogue's gazebo overlooking the beach. Rogue gets up and runs to the door as someone walks in.  
  
'Chere, we're back!'  
  
Rogue plants a smacker on Remy's lips as he walks in.  
  
'We've only been gone a few hours, petite!'  
  
'Ah can kiss yah can't ah?'  
  
'You din' hear me complain!' Remy answers with lecherous grin.  
  
'We've got guests sugah!'  
  
The Cajun's eyes pop open as he sees the assembled guests sat on the gazebo.  
  
'What up, Gumbo?' Wade grins, holding up a beer. 'Cool place ya got!  
  
'What... who... huh?'  
  
Rogue takes Remy's arm and leads him outside. 'Ah'll explain in a sec.'  
  
***  
  
After Storm, Bishop and the others have brought in the groceries, they join Rogue and Remy outside. It was quite a warm welcome, Storm gave Betsy a huge hug while Sam and Amara stood politely by, Sage just observed proceedings, as usual. Then it came to Bishop. Jubilee and Wade took one look at him and burst out laughing.  
  
'AHAHAHAHAHAA! Bishop in a * snort * Hawaiian shirt! BWAHAHAA! Too *gasp * much!'  
  
The homicide cop from the future just grits his teeth and looks at his shirt.  
  
'I find that neon orange and ice blue suits me.'  
  
Even an ever stoic Sage had to admit that Bishop looked pretty funny dressed like that!  
  
'So Sage.' Wade grins, looking her over, in her tight leather pants and vest combo. 'You look... radiant as ever!'  
  
'Thankyou Wade.' Sage deadpans.  
  
Wade walks up to get another beer from the cooler. Sage lets out a squeak as Wade pinches her on the backside. Before you can say 'Ow, I've been kneed in the groin by an irate Sage', Wade is in a pile on the floor, having been kneed in the groin by an irate Sage!  
  
After Wade's pride and joy has recovered from it's pummelling, the party then gets started.  
  
***  
  
It is now nighttime and everyone is on the beach, around a campfire. Wade, and Betsy are downing beers with Rogue, Remy and Bishop while Jubilee and Angelo dance around a stereo with Amara and Sam. Storm and Sage meanwhile observe Pyro, not entirely trustingly, on the barbeque. The Typhoid arrives with more beer!  
  
'Beer's here if you want it!'  
  
There is a mad rush as everyone (even Sage!) tries to grab the last cold bottle of beer.  
  
'So, Typhoid.' Storm asks. 'How did you join?'  
  
Typhoid gulps down some beer before she begins.  
  
'Well, I employed Wade and Betsy to help me get some money that was owed to me. An then the rest is history and now I'm having sex with Pyro!'  
  
Sam spits his beer out in surprise. Everyone looks at him in curiosity.  
  
'Sorry, phlegm, too much beer!'  
  
'Who wants a burger?' Pyro yells from the barbeque.  
  
'Ooh! Ooh! Mememe!' A slightly drunk rogue yells, standing up and waving her hands about.  
  
'Heads up Sheila!' Pyro yells back, grabbing a bun and throwing it to her. Rogue jumps up into the air and grabs the burger, then falls back down, onto Remy's lap.  
  
'Remy din' know dat you cared chere!'  
  
Rogue just grins drunkenly and breaks off a piece of burger and shoves it in his mouth.  
  
Betsy turns to Rogue with a serious expression on her face.  
  
'So what happened when Vargas killed me? (7) Did he turn up any time after that?'  
  
'Oh yeah!' Rogue answers. 'He turned up during this alien invasion thingy.' (8)  
  
'And what happened then?' Wade asks, enthralled.  
  
'Ah kicked his butt!' Rogue grins. (9)  
  
Betsy grins back and gives Rogue a High Five.  
  
'You go girl!'  
  
'Ah will!' Rogue grins again, before tripping over her feet and landing on Remy's lap again.  
  
'Whoop! Ah'm sorry sugah!'  
  
'Don' mention it!'  
  
***  
  
It's now the morning after and wade and co are in the DeadMobile, waving goodbye to Rogue and co.  
  
'Nest time yah see Hank, tell him ah said hi, kay?' Rogue yells.  
  
'I'll tell him alight!' Betsy yells back.  
  
'Don' be strangers, y'hear?' Remy adds.  
  
'We'll be back!' Betsy responds.  
  
'Ah'm counting on it!'  
  
Betsy gives them one last wave goodbye before she drives off.  
  
'So where are we goin' next?' Jubilee asks.  
  
Wade taps his chin in thought.  
  
'I'm thinking... LAS VEGAS!'  
  
That elicits a whoop from Jubilee and the others.  
  
'Viva Las Vegas, Viva Las Vegas, Viva, Viva, Vi...' (10)  
  
'Wade?'  
  
'Yes Cute Buns?'  
  
'Shut up!'  
  
TBC...  
  
NOTES-  
  
(1)- Fast Show Rowley Birkin reference #1!  
  
(2)- Rowley Birkin reference #2!  
  
(3)- And Rowley Birkin reference #3!!!  
  
(4)- Yes, it's that song from Austin Powers! Which I don't own, if you were wondering!  
  
(5)- As said by Spidey in The Amazing Spider-Man #42 after his astral form floats through the changing room of a YWCA!  
  
(6)- From Monty Python and the Holy Grail of course! ('She turned me into a newt! I got better...')  
  
(7)- As seen in X-Treme X-Men #2  
  
(8)- As seen in X-Treme X-Men #10-18  
  
(9)- Rogue kicked Vargas's ass in X-Treme X-Men #9  
  
(10)- As sung by Elvis. Guess what, I don't own this song! It belongs to... Elvis, I presume!  
  
NEXT: The gang go to Las Vegas. Who should be there to meet them? Daredevil! Bad news for Typhoid! 


	13. Viva Wade Wilson

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 13: Viva Wade Wilson  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I own nothing. All these characters belong to Marvel.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
L1701E- Sorry, no plans for any more resurrections. If you like lots of gratuitous resurrections, you might want to try another of my fics 'New Mutants: August.' It's in the regular X-Men section.  
  
Risty- Well, I guess my obviously superior sense of humour is sometimes difficult to get. I guess you can add Sage to your slim list of characters that you like! Yes, there will be craziness in Vegas and Florida ... and London... and Valencia (that's in Spain luv)... and Paris... and Sydney... and anywhere else I can think of! Betcha can't guess who's gonna guest star where! The only sport that I like to watch while drinking is mud wrestling, or ladies volleyball... Anything to do with scantily clad women come to think of it...  
  
***  
  
The DeadMobile pulls up outside a random Las Vegas hotel. Wade steps out and looks at all the neon lights and various casino signs.  
  
'Ooooh pretty!'  
  
'Yes Wade.' Betsy deadpans. 'Let's all gaze at the gaudy lights!'  
  
Wade then turns around and puts his arm around his girlfriend's shoulders.  
  
'What's the matter Cute Buns? Aren't you having fun?'  
  
Betsy just yawns and rubs her eyes tiredly.  
  
'I just want to have a nice long shower and get to bed.'  
  
Wade's eyes light up at the notion.  
  
'Alone.' Betsy adds.  
  
***  
  
After gaining entry to the hotel, everyone splits up and goes off to their rooms.  
  
Wade and Betsy-  
  
Betsy is having a shower while Wade explores the hotel.  
  
Betsy steps out of the shower and pulls a towel around her and proceeds to dry her hair. She sings a random song while she's at it.  
  
'Crazy, but that's how it goes, millions of people living as foes, maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate...' (1)  
  
She's so engrossed in her singing that she doesn't even notice Wade walk in. he just leans back and watches her singing.  
  
'Mental wounds not healing, who and what's to blame, I'm going of the rails on a crazy train...'  
  
Betsy snaps out of her euphoria as Wade gives her a round of applause.  
  
'Bravo Cute Buns! Bravo!'  
  
Betsy just grins, removes the towel from around her and throws it in Wade's face.  
  
'Find anything of interest?' Betsy asks as she dries herself off and searches around for her night attire.  
  
'Nothing of too much interest.' Wade replies. 'Fifteen different Elvis impersonators, and that's it.'  
  
'Typical Las Vegas.' Betsy snorts. 'Wade, have you seen my purple silk nightdress/'  
  
'I don't know why you wear that thing.' Wade replies. 'It's not like it's going to stay on for long.' He finishes off by giving her a sexy wink.  
  
Betsy just smiles at Wade's attempts and climbs into bed. She pats the place next to her welcomingly.  
  
'Are you going to stand there all night or are you going to join me in bed?'  
  
Wade doesn't need to be asked twice. He leaps in after her and begins to kiss her passionately.  
  
***  
  
Jubilee and Angelo-  
  
We currently find the youngest members of BLEW in the hotel casino. They walk through, looking around at the various slot machines and card tables.  
  
'You wanna give anything a go?' Jubilee asks.  
  
Angelo lets out a disappointed sigh.  
  
'I don't know Jubes. I thought Vegas would be more than this.'  
  
'We could always take a tour of the Hoover Dam.' (2) Jubilee replies.  
  
'In the middle of the night?' Angelo asks sceptically.  
  
'Point.' Jubilee concedes. 'So, wanna check out the late night buffet?'  
  
'Sure!'  
  
The two of them join arms as they stroll over to the late night buffet. Upon arriving there, Jubilee looks over the menu.  
  
'Ooh, half price waffles! You want some?'  
  
'I'm more of a muffin man m'self.' Angelo replies.  
  
'Yeah I know, you dig MY muffins!' Jubilee counters with a saucy smile.  
  
'Guilty as charged chica!' Angelo grins. 'Hey, I've got a better idea, let's go up to our room and order room service!'  
  
'Sounds kinda boring.' Jubilee replies.  
  
'You don't know what the food's gonna be used for do ya?' Angelo replies, a lecherous sparkle in his eye.  
  
An equally lecherous smile spreads on Jubilee's face.  
  
'Whipped cream or chocolate sauce?' She asks.  
  
'Let's go nuts and have both!' Angelo grins.  
  
Jubilee squeaks in excitement as she grabs Angelo's hand and pulls him along to the elevator to go back up to their rooms.  
  
'You are once kinky Chinese chick!' Angelo grins.  
  
'You know it buster!'  
  
***  
  
Typhoid and Pyro-  
  
Typhoid Mary and Pyro are walking hand in hand along the Las Vegas Strip. Pyro looks at Typhoid and smiles.  
  
'So, Typh, you ever been to Vegas before?'  
  
'Can't say that I ever have, John.' She replies.  
  
'I have.' John says. 'It was back when I was with the Freedom Force. We were assigned to catch some Sheila that could turn stuff to ice.'  
  
'Did you catch her?'  
  
'Not really no.' Pyro replies. 'I melted her.'  
  
Typhoid laughs out loud at the thought.  
  
'You guys were a regular bunch of bunglers, weren't you?'  
  
Pyro just smiles and walks further along.  
  
Unseen by the two, they pass a man with dark glasses and short auburn hair walking along with an attractive looking woman with long red hair. The woman turns to the man and starts talking to him.  
  
'It looks like you were right Matt, Typhoid Mary IS in Las Vegas!'  
  
'Aren't I always right, 'Tasha?' The man replies.  
  
The woman just shakes her head good-naturedly.  
  
'We'd better suit up.' She says. 'Before she gets into trouble!'  
  
Later-  
  
Typhoid and Pyro are now sat in a diner having a cup of coffee together. Typhoid takes some cream and pours it into her coffee. She watches as the white liquid swirls around in the darker brown liquid.  
  
'Penny for 'em.' Pyro says.  
  
Typhoid looks up from her coffee.  
  
'Oh, it's nothing. I just thought that I saw a familiar face when we were walking along the Strip.' She replies.  
  
'Come to think of it, I thought I saw the Black Widow walking along there too!'  
  
Typhoid puts down her coffee in shock.  
  
'And you know who she's hanging out with nowadays!'  
  
'Daredevil!' They both say.  
  
Typhoid dumps some money on the table and runs out of the diner through the back door.  
  
'Going somewhere?' A voice says from the darkness.  
  
They turn around and see Daredevil and the Black Widow standing in their way.  
  
'Now listen her, mate!' Pyro says. 'We didn't come to Vegas for a fight, so, leave us alone and there won't be any trouble!'  
  
'I'm going to ignore the fact that you should be dead, Pyro.' Daredevil says. 'So come along peacefully.'  
  
'What part of leave us alone didn't you understand?' Typhoid asks. 'We've turned over a new leaf! We're the good guys!' Remember when you got that gift delivered to your door the other week?'  
  
'Bullseye in a box?'  
  
'Yeah, that was us! Well, me, Deadpool and Psylocke!'  
  
'And Deadpool's such an upstanding citizen!' Black Widow snorts.  
  
'Why are you working with him?' Daredevil asks. 'I thought you hated him!'  
  
Typhoid turns to Daredevil and glares at him.  
  
'At least he was there for me when I need someone!'  
  
'What the hell is she babbling about?' Black Widow asks.  
  
'She means the time when she discovered that I knocker her out that window all those years ago, therefore turning her into Typhoid Mary, apparently!' (3)  
  
'Nuts to this!' Typhoid growls. 'I've had enough of you screwing around with my affairs! BU...'  
  
'STOP!'  
  
All four of them turn and see Betsy, Wade, Jubilee and Angelo running up to them.  
  
'Stay out of this you four!' Daredevil says. 'This is between me and Typhoid!'  
  
Betsy takes something out of her pocket and shows it to Daredevil.  
  
'This is official STRIKE (4) business so I'll have to ask you to leave our friends alone!'  
  
'I'm here on Avengers business!' Black Widow replies.  
  
'And when was the last time you did anything remotely Avenger-y?' Jubilee asks.  
  
That shuts Black Widow up.  
  
Daredevil lets out a deep sigh and slumps his shoulders.  
  
'Okay, I'll let her go this time but, if I found out that she's been up to her old tricks, no one will be able to keep me from you!'  
  
With that, everyone goes their separate ways.  
  
After Daredevil and the Black Widow have reached a safe distance away, Wade turns to Betsy.  
  
'So, is that STRIKE ID still valid?'  
  
'Hell no!' Betsy replies. 'That expired years ago!'  
  
'Can we please go back to the hotel?' Angelo asks.  
  
'Yeah.' Jubilee adds. 'Some of us have got an appointment with whipped cream and chocolate sauce!'  
  
Wade turns to Betsy with a grin.  
  
'That sounds like fun Cute Buns. You wanna try it?'  
  
'You'd better not get any on the sheets!' Betsy replies.  
  
With that, they all walk back to the hotel. Pyro turns back to Typhoid and notices her depressed expression.  
  
'What's up luv?'  
  
'It's just that meeting Daredevil here stirred up a few bitter memories. Messing around with Matt Murdock's life, tricking Wade into thinking that I was Siryn and seducing him! I'm not proud of either of them!'  
  
Pyro puts his arm around her shoulder and holds her close.  
  
'I know what we can do that'll make yer happy, Sheila! Let's raid the Mini- Bar, vet drunk and have red-hot passionate sex, Whatta ya say?'  
  
'Dibs on the JD!'  
  
END...  
  
NEXT: Florida and... Cable!  
  
***  
  
NOTES-  
  
(1)- Crazy Train, YAY!! As sung by Ozzy Osbourne! Guess what, I don't own it!  
  
(2)- The Hoover Dam is in Nevada isn't it?  
  
(3)- As seen in Daredevil: The Man Without Fear (the falling through window incident) and daredevil/Deadpool Annual (Typhoid remembering what happened and hiring Deadpool to kill Daredevil for her)  
  
(4)- STRIKE is the British version of SHIELD. Betsy did uses to be a member, waaaaay back before she joined the X-Men.  
  
And, the title refers to 'Viva Las Vegas' as sung by Elvis, which I don't own. I wouldn't really want to own the song. I don't like Elvis all that much anyway! 


	14. It's a Small World

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 14: It's a Small World  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything. Deadpool, Betsy, Jubilee, Angelo, Typhoid, Pyro, Cable and Domino all belong to Marvel.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- Sex is cool, isn't it? To be fair, Daredevil has a right to be mean to Typhoid; she did mess around with his life, and try to kill him!  
  
Risty- I never liked Sage/Tessa all that much but when I read X-Treme X- Men, she started to grow on me. Seeing that you asked so nicely, I have added New Zealand to BLEW's travel schedule. I'm afraid that it isn't going to be LotR or King Kong related, maybe Avengers related though. (Not Steed and Emma Peel, Captain America, Scarlet Witch and co!) Other than that, I'm keeping quiet for now! Who needs to gamble when you can have sex?  
  
***  
  
Somewhere in Florida-  
  
The DeadMobile pulls up outside a swanky looking hotel and Wade gets out. He helps Betsy and the others unload their bags and walk into the hotel. While Wade gets their room keys, Betsy and the others look around the foyer.  
  
'I always did love Florida.' Typhoid says.  
  
'Why's that luv?' Pyro asks.  
  
'You don't wanna know!' Typhoid replies.  
  
John doesn't question further as he guesses that the story has something to do with random acts of violence and bloodletting. Come to think of it, most of Typhoid's stories end like that!  
  
Jubilee turns to Angelo beside her.  
  
'So, Angelo, you wanna go shopping later?'  
  
'Do I have to?' Angelo groans. 'It's almost half-ten in the evening! Why can't we just go out and have a quiet drink?'  
  
'Spoilsport!' Jubilee pouts at the thought of a shopping trip going to waste.  
  
Betsy then turns and sees Wade walking up to them with the room keys in his hands.  
  
'There ya go kiddies!' he says, handing out the keys. 'Now spit off to your rooms so me and Betsy can have some private time!'  
  
***  
  
Jubilee and Angelo-  
  
After unpacking, the first thing that Angelo does is switch on the TV, much to Jubilee's consternation!  
  
'Is that all you think about?' Jubilee asks, her arms crossed over her chest.  
  
'Of course not, chica!' Angelo grins. 'I also think about cars and women!'  
  
Jubilee just rolls her eyes and cuddles up to her guy on the bed. She starts to wind strands of his hair around her fingers.  
  
'If we can't go shopping, we could always do something else!' She whispers seductively.  
  
'I'll get the ice-cream!' Angelo says, getting up off the bed.  
  
Jubilee takes his hand and sits him back down.  
  
'Let's leave the ice-cream for now, kay?'  
  
'Well you're the kinky one!' Angelo replies, kissing Jubilee.  
  
'You're one to talk, Mister-several-extra-feet-of-stretchy-skin!' Jubilee replies with a lecherous grin.  
  
***  
  
Typhoid and Pyro-  
  
We presently find the two reformed villains walking along by the hotel swimming pool. The whole place is deserted. Typhoid turns to John with a twinkle in her eye.  
  
'Hey John, you wanna go in for a late-night dip?' She asks.  
  
'I think the pool's closed for the night Sheila.' John replies.  
  
Typhoid just grins seductively and slowly takes of her clothes. After she has disrobed, she dives into the pool and beckons John closer.  
  
'C'mon John!' She says. 'Live a little!'  
  
St John doesn't need asking twice as he quickly disrobes and jumps in after her.  
  
'I always did love skinny-dipping at night!' He grins.  
  
Typhoid swims up to him and plants a kiss on his lips.  
  
'Aren't you the kinky one?' She grins.  
  
***  
  
Wade and Betsy-  
  
The two co-leaders of the gang are walking hand-in-hand along the street. They stop outside a nearby bar.  
  
'Whatta ya say Betts?' Wade asks. 'You wanna knock back a few?'  
  
'Of course I'm ready for a few beers!' Betsy replies. 'I'm British!'  
  
They walk into the bar. Betsy grabs a seat in a corner booth while Wade grabs the drinks. The purple-haired telepath looks over at a couple sitting at another booth. She doesn't know why but she recognises them from somewhere. Her train of thought is broken as Wade walks up with the drinks.  
  
'Here are your drinks madam!' He grins as he passes Betsy a bottle. 'You watch yourself though.' He says. 'Remember you can't handle your booze!'  
  
Betsy takes a swig before answering.  
  
'Up yours tosser!' She replies.  
  
'See what I mean!' Wade says, taking a swig. 'You're cussing already!'  
  
After a few rounds-  
  
Betsy is now regaling Wade in one of her tales of her old X-Men days.  
  
'And then wham, I whipped out me psychic knife and plunged it into the tosser's brain!' She slurs.  
  
A cheeky smile spreads on Wade's face.  
  
'Real badasses use swords or adamantium blades!' He says.  
  
'Sod off ya wanker!' Betsy slurs again, taking yet another swig.  
  
'Blimey!' Wade replies. 'You're a cheeky bird, ey wot?'  
  
All Betsy does in reply is let rip with an almighty burp.  
  
'BRAAAP!!'  
  
'Oh yeah, very classy Betts!' Wade sighs. 'Real demure an' ladylike!' (1)  
  
'Just shut up an' get me another * hic * beer!' Betsy replies.  
  
Not wanting to get into a drunken argument with a ninja-trained telepath that could easily kick his but, even when drunk, Wade does as he is told and walks over to the bar. On the way, he looks over at a nearby booth and instantly recognises the two people sitting there.  
  
'Well shave my muff and call me Wanda!' He gasps. 'If it isn't Nathan Dayspring Askani'son Summers Cable Soldier X! Or are you just callin' yahself Priscilla now?' (2)  
  
'Nate's fine.' The white-haired Summers' child from the future replies.  
  
Wade turns to Nate's pale-skinned companion.  
  
'And Domino! You're looking as... pale and lovely as usual!'  
  
'Flonq off before is stick this beer bottle where the Sun don't shine, Wilson!' Domino replies.  
  
'What's all th' fuss about?' Betsy drunkenly slurs from behind them. 'Oh look who it is! Cable and Dom! Hiya guys!'  
  
'Hello Betsy.' Nate replies. 'I heard that you two were alive.'  
  
'Yeah, you can never keep a good X-Bird down!' Betsy replies, as she sits down beside Nate.  
  
'So what brings you to Florida?' Wade asks.  
  
'We just thought that we'd stop by, isn't that right Dom?' Nate says.  
  
'Yeah, great move Nate!' Dom replies. 'Tell the psychotic mercenary all about our top secret plans to go to DisneyWorld... Oh crap!'  
  
'So the big-bad-X-Force guy actually has a heart!' Wade grins. 'So, you guys actually got married yet?'  
  
'No.' Dom replies. 'Nate's to tight to spring for a ring!'  
  
'I used to baby-sit you y'know!' Betsy says. 'Back when you were an' ickle baby!'  
  
'Oh God!' Nate groans. 'Not the story with Logan's cigars!'  
  
'One day, ickle baby Nate got hold of Logan's prize cigars an' almost burnt down the whole bloody X-Mansion!' Betsy continues, before breaking into a fit of giggles.  
  
Wade just ignores his girlfriend's drunken giggling and continues talking to Nate and Dom.  
  
'So Wade.' Nate says. 'Are you and Betsy together then?'  
  
'Yup.' Wade replies. 'She's my Cute Buns!'  
  
'An' you're my Snuggly-Wuggly Wadey-Spadey!' Betsy giggles.  
  
'She still can't hold her liquor then?' Dom asks.  
  
'Uh-huh, drunk as a newt!' Wade replies.  
  
'Yo Momma!' Betsy replies.  
  
***  
  
Later, after Wade has finally dragged Betsy away from the bar-  
  
Wade carefully lowers Betsy onto the bed. The purple-haired Brit is fast asleep, having currently exceeded her tolerance for alcohol. Wade rubs away the kinks in his bank and goes to the bathroom to freshen up. Once he has finished, he sees that Betsy has woken up.  
  
'Come ter bed Wadey!' Betsy slurs, patting the bed beside her. 'Betsy wants lovin!'  
  
Wade climbs into bed beside her. Betsy moves closer.  
  
'Kiss me!' She says.  
  
Wade is perfectly happy to oblige and goes to kiss her. Unfortunately, Betsy chooses that time to pass out drunkenly on Wade's lap, still with her lips puckered. Before Wade can get her off his lap, the adjoining door to their and the next room opens up and Jubilee walks in.  
  
'Wade, have you got any...?' The young Asian mutant stops in her tracks as she sees Betsy and wade in their compromising position. 'Jeez, don't you guys ever stop?'  
  
END...  
  
Notes-  
  
(1)- The whole Betsy-drinking-and-burping-loudly comes from X-Men Unlimited #47, in which, Betsy and Logan throw back a few beers together while She tells him of her pre-X-Men days.  
  
(2)- Wade also said the same thing to Nate in Cable/Deadpool #1 (Minus the 'Shave my muff and call me Wanda' thing!)  
  
As you may have guessed, the title comes from that bloody annoying ride at DisneyWorld with the scary singing dolls! 


	15. ChimChimminy and All That

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 15: Chim-Chimminy and All That  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all the characters in this fic belong to Marvel.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Agent-G- Yeah, I know what you mean, I hated that ride too! Fortunately enough, the last time I went to Disney, the ride was closed for refurbishment, thank God! And yes, BLEW has finished their tour of the US and now they're going international!  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- Hee, Betsy burping was funny wasn't it? If you liked that, why don't you read X-Men Unlimited #47, that's where I got the idea!  
  
Risty- Kiwi Flight? Yeah, I got the joke. I'm afraid that BLEW won't go to NZ for a fair while yet; they have to get through Europe and Asia first. Just in advance, I'd like to apologise for this chapter, you'll see why I'm apologising soon. I guess that Cable is a l'il uptight but he's waaay better than his parents, Rachel too! Maybe Nate inherited the cool gene from his REAL mother, Madelyne Pryor! Cuz she's better than Jean anyway! The coolness gene must have skipped a generation there! Either that or Alex Summers got both cool genes! Cuz admit it, he is sooo much better than Scott!  
  
***  
  
Quote of the day- 'Smeeee Heeeee...'- Kryten (Red Dwarf)  
  
***  
  
Several miles above the Atlantic Ocean-  
  
Wade Wilson leans back in his first class seat aboard the jet liner heading towards England. He turns to his girlfriend Betsy Braddock.  
  
'You lookin' forward to getting home Cute Buns?' He asks.  
  
'It would be nice to see what's been happening since I've been... gone.' Betsy replies.  
  
Jubilee pops her head over the back of Betsy's seat.  
  
'You mean when you were dead right?'  
  
'Yes, thanks for that Jubilation.' Betsy groans. 'Shouldn't you be snuggling with Angelo?'  
  
'He's asleep.' Jubilee replies.  
  
'Tired out from all the non-stop sex I suppose.' Typhoid Mary smirks from behind.  
  
'The guy hasn't got any stamina.' Jubilee sighs. 'You'd think that he'd be up for red-hot sex with a smouldering hot chick like me!'  
  
Angelo snorts something in his sleep.  
  
'Time to kick it up a notch, BAM!'  
  
'Riiiiight...' Jubilee says, turning back to her random gossip magazine.  
  
'Omigod!' She gasps. 'Did you know that Emma Frost isn't a real blonde?'  
  
'Yeah I did.' Wade replies.  
  
'And how did you know?' Betsy asks, glaring at her boyfriend.  
  
Wade stays silent and hides his head behind a book.  
  
***  
  
A random airport: Somewhere in Britain: Later-  
  
Wade finishes loading up the DeadMobile with everybody's luggage. He gets in the front and starts up the engine.  
  
'I still can't believe how we got all your guns and Typhoid's machetes through customs.' Betsy says.  
  
'It's always good to have a poker buddy that's head of SHIELD and stuff!' Wade grins.  
  
'Does Brian know that we're gonna visit him?' Jubilee asks.  
  
'I thought that we'd surprise him.' Betsy replies.  
  
'I just hope that he's over the threats of bodily harm!' Wade says.  
  
'Oh Brian isn't one to hold a grudge.' Betsy replies. 'Not often.'  
  
'So who exactly is your brother?' Typhoid asks.  
  
'You ever hear of Brain Braddock?' Wade asks.  
  
Typhoid just shrugs her head.  
  
'Captain Britain?'  
  
Still nothing.  
  
'Forget it!' Betsy sighs.  
  
***  
  
Braddock Manor: Later still-  
  
The DeadMobile pulls up outside the swanky looking family home of the Braddocks.  
  
'Nice digs your brother's got!' Wade says. 'D'ya think we can scab some money off him?'  
  
Betsy just shakes her head and walks up to the door. Before she can knock however, the door is swung open and she is grabbed in a hugs hug.  
  
'Nice to see you to Meggan!' Betsy winces.  
  
'It's great to see you Betsy!' Meggan, Betsy's sister-in-law grins. 'You're just in time, dinner's almost ready!'  
  
Meggan opens the door wide to lets everyone in.  
  
'And you've brought friends!' Meggan continues. 'How nice! Even if it is a former member of the Brotherhood and a psychotic schizophrenic!'  
  
'Gee, don't I feel welcome.' Typhoid whispers in Pyro's ear.  
  
Meggan then leads them into the kitchen.  
  
Brian Braddock walks over from the oven and holds his twin sister in a huge hug.  
  
'I'm glad to see you Betts!' Brain grins.  
  
'Uh, Bri.' Betsy says. 'I do need to breath y'know!'  
  
Brian lets his sister go and looks at the guests.  
  
'Lo Wade.' He says.  
  
'BRIAN!' Wade grins, scooping him up into a big hug. 'Nice to see ya bro!'  
  
'You can let me down any time you want Wade.' Brian says.  
  
'Oh right, sorry!'  
  
Betsy then looks over at Meggan and notices a rather large bulge in her belly.  
  
'Meggan you're...'  
  
'Yup.'  
  
'Pregnant!'  
  
'Fraid so!'  
  
Betsy then turns to Brian and points an accusing finger at him.  
  
'How the Hell did this happen?'  
  
Brian just looks aback at his sister, part scared, part amused.  
  
'Are you responsible for this?' Betsy asks.  
  
'What kind of stupid bloody question is that?' Brian shoots back.  
  
'Haven't you ever heard of protection?'  
  
There is an awkward silence in the air as everyone waits for Betsy to go mental. Fortunately enough, it doesn't happen as the purple haired telepath grabs her sister-in-law in a hug.  
  
'This is such great news! Any ideas for a name yet?'  
  
'I was thinking of calling her Betsy.' Meggan replies.  
  
'What do you mean her?' Brian asks. 'It could be a boy!'  
  
'Excuse me dear.' Meggan replies. 'But who's the empathic metamorph?'  
  
Brian quickly changes the subject.  
  
'So who's ready for dinner?'  
  
***  
  
After dinner-  
  
Everybody has now split up for the night. Betsy and Brian are showing Jubilee the British clothes stores. Angelo went along because Jubilee press- ganged him into carrying her bags while Typhoid and Pyro hit the pubs. That only leaves Wade who volunteered to look after the heavily pregnant Meggan.  
  
Wade walks in with a bowl of soapy water and a peanut butter and strawberry sandwich for Meggan.  
  
'There ya go Meg.' Wade says, fluffing up Meggan's pillow. 'Your sandwich and a nice bowl of soapy water to soak your feet in.'  
  
'You're too kind Wade.' Meggan replies. 'But there's really no need for all this, I can cope for myself1'  
  
'Aw pish!' Wade grins. 'I volunteered to look after you so I'm gonna look after you!'  
  
Wade then turns to turn on the TV. He turns as he hears the sound of a plate breaking.  
  
'Wade.' Meggan says, with a somewhat urgent tone in her voice. 'The baby's here!'  
  
'Yeah I know it is.' Wade replies. 'It's in your tummy!'  
  
'I don't mean it like that!' Meggan winces. 'The baby's coming!'  
  
'Omigod!' Wade shrieks. 'The baby's coming! What am I gonna do? I don't even know first aid!' he then proceeds to runs around like a headless chicken. 'Omigodomigodomigod!' He stops as he hears Meggan yell in pain.  
  
'It's aright. I'm here. I'll get you to a doctor!'  
  
'No time!' Meggan winces again through another contraction. 'It'll have to be born here!'  
  
Wade gulps nervously as he bends down to tend to the baby.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile-  
  
Betsy and Brain have just finished showing Jubilee and Angelo around the clothes stores. Jubilee gets out of the car with Angelo close behind her laden with bags. Betsy and Brian follow. Then they hear the sound of a woman screaming.  
  
'Meggan!' Brain gasps. 'The baby's here!'  
  
'Waitasec!' Jubilee says. 'We only saw you guys a month or two ago, how can Meggan be giving birth already?'  
  
'The maternity cycle of Meggan's people is faster than ours.' Betsy answers. 'The baby is ready to be born in nine weeks instead of months!'  
  
They all look as Brian drops what he is doing and runs towards the house. They all follow behind.  
  
***  
  
The living room-  
  
Brian runs through the door just in time to see an exhausted Meggan lying in the couch with a weary smile on her face while Wade stands beside her with a blanket-wrapped package in his arms.  
  
'Is everything alright?' Brian asks, running to his wife's side.  
  
'Everything's wonderful darling!' Meggan replies. 'Betsy's perfectly healthy!'  
  
'How can you know?' Brian asks.  
  
'Don't mess with an empath!' Meggan smiles weakly. 'I just know!'  
  
'Here's your daughter.' Wade whispers. 'Be careful, she's sleeping.' He then passes Baby Betsy who hold her in their arms and look lovingly at their newly born daughter. Then there is a dull thump as wade passes out.  
  
***  
  
Much later-  
  
Meggan is now laid up in bed asleep with Baby Betsy sleeps beside her in her crib. Hank McCoy, who has just flown in from Westchester has just finished checking up on the baby. He packs away his things and turns to the proud father.  
  
'I may not be an expert on Otherworld babies but I would say that your daughter is perfectly healthy!'  
  
'Thankyou Henry.' Brian says, shaking the fuzzy blue doctor's hand.  
  
'Maybe you should be thanking Mister Wilson.' Hank replies. 'He was the one that did all the work!'  
  
'Thankyou Wade.' Brian says. 'Meggan and I thankyou with all our hearts!'  
  
'Aw shucks!' wade blushes. 'Twas nothing!'  
  
Wade then turns to the window as he wipes a tear away from his eye.  
  
'Now if you'll excuse me, I have something in my eye!'  
  
***  
  
Later still-  
  
After saying a goodnight to the happy parents, Betsy and Wade retire to their rooms. Betsy rolls over in bed and places her chin on Wade's shoulder.  
  
'That was a wonderful thing you did Wade.' Betsy says. 'I'm sure that you'll be a wonderful father!'  
  
'Really?' Wade asks, rolling around so he is face to face with his girlfriend.  
  
'Oh yeah.' Betsy answers. 'As a matter of fact, why don't we get started on making a baby of our own?'  
  
'You're incorrigible!' Wade grins.  
  
'You know you like it Cute Buns!' Betsy replies, leaping onto him.  
  
END...  
  
NOTE- if you hadn't guessed, the title comes from one of the songs in Mary Poppins. The Chimney Sweep Song if I'm not mistaken. I hate Mary Poppins, the sole cause of all of the British stereotypes in American TV and films today! They're either working class 'Cor blimey guv'na' or exceedingly upper class 'tally-ho, pip-pip and all that, ey wot?' Damn them!  
  
NEXT: Paris and more special guest stars! 


	16. CheeseEating SurrenderMonkeys!

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 16: Cheese-Eating Surrender-Monkeys  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything, Deadpool, Psylocke, Jubilee, Skin, Typhoid Mary, Pyro and Siryn all belong to Marvel.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Agent-G- Brain and Meggan weren't freaked out about Betsy's return because they already knew that she was back from the dead, they helped her move in too!  
  
Risty- Don't worry, you didn't miss much, only Wade and Betsy having smoochies and an anti Mary Poppins rant. Alex is waaaaay better than Scott, so there!  
  
L1701E- More Wade-related wackiness up next! Enjoy!  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- It's fun when Wade gets humiliated, isn't it? Enjoy!   
  
Quote of the day- 'In my opinion you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of pooh!'- Lt George (Blackadder Goes Forth)  
  
Somewhere in Paris-  
  
Wade Wilson is walking along the Paris streets arm-in-arm with his girlfriend Betsy Braddock.  
  
'God I hate France.' Wade sighs.  
  
Betsy cocks a curious brow at her boyfriend's comments.  
  
'Why's that luv?'  
  
'Well, they refuse to talk English for a start! I didn't come to France to speak freakin' French! Who would willingly eat frogs' legs and snails anyway? And don't even get me started on the crapping in a hole bit!'  
  
Betsy just smiles good-naturedly at Wade's ranting and continues walking along the street.  
  
'I'm parched.' Betsy says, stopping outside a random café. 'Shall we stop and have a drink?'  
  
'I've gotta say one thing about the French though.' Wade says. 'They know how to make their pastries!'  
  
Betsy sits down at a table and orders two coffees and some random pastries. Wade just rubs his hands in anticipation.  
  
'How are we going to get in contact with Siryn anyway?' Betsy asks.  
  
'Easy Betts.' Wade replies. 'She's a member of X-Corp right? In the ad, it said all we have to do is think of an 'X' and they'd come running!'  
  
The banks of the Seine-  
  
Typhoid Mary and St John Allerdyce are walking along the banks of the Seine. A random flower seller continues to bother John to but flowers. Typhoid shoots a glare at her. The seller lets out a scream, as her flowers are set alight. Typhoid and John however, just walk along laughing their heads off.  
  
'That'll teach her!' Typhoid grins.  
  
'Have I ever told you that you're my kinda woman?' John asks.  
  
'Not often enough!' Typhoid replies jokingly.  
  
They stop beside yet another flower seller. Instead of setting fire to this one, John steps up and buys a pretty looking bouquet. He then gives it to Typhoid with a charming smile.  
  
'Oh thankyou John!' Typhoid grins, hugging him. 'They're so pretty!'  
  
'That's one thing that I'd never thought I'd hear you say Typh!' John grins. 'Pretty! Kinky maybe, but never pretty!'  
  
'What can I say?' Typhoid replies. 'I'm going soft!'  
  
Random clothes store-  
  
Jubilee breezes out of a random clothes store with Angelo following behind her struggling to carry all her purchases.  
  
'Uh Jubes, are you sure that you need all this stuff?' Angelo asks.  
  
'You can't come to Paris without visiting the clothes stores!' Jubilee replies.  
  
Angelo mutters random Spanish curse as he struggles with the bags.  
  
Jubilee stops outside yet another shoe store.  
  
'Ooh! I like those ones!' Jubilee says. 'C'mon Angelo, we're going in.  
  
'Not just yet, Jubes.' Angelo groans, sitting down. 'I need to catch my breath. Let's just stop and have a coffee, yeah?'  
  
Jubilee sighs as she opens up her purse and throws Angelo a few bills.  
  
'You stop here while I go in and buy some shoes.' She says.  
  
Angelo watches as Jubilee walks into the store. He lets out a relieved sigh and leans back in his seat.  
  
Back at the café-  
  
Betsy quietly sips her coffee while Wade gouges on some random French pastries.  
  
'You having fun there, luv?' She asks.  
  
'No talk, eating!' Wade grunts, shoving a croissant in his mouth.  
  
Betsy just shrugs and starts reading through a newspaper.  
  
Unseen by the two of them, a tall redhead sits on the table behind them. She attracts the attention of a waiter and orders a coffee. Wade instantly recognises her voice and looks up from his croissant.  
  
'Omigod!' He gasps. 'Theresa Rourke! How ya don' girl?'  
  
The member of X-Corp Paris know as Siryn looks up in amazement at the sight before her.  
  
'Wade? Can it really be you?' She asks.  
  
'Alive and kicking babe!' Wade grins.  
  
'Why are ye not dead?'  
  
'I got better!' Wade replies.  
  
Betsy clears her throat to get attention.  
  
'Ahem!'  
  
'Oh sorry! Terry, this is Betsy Braddock, my new girlfriend!'  
  
'We've met.' Betsy replies.  
  
'Oh aye.' Terry adds. 'So, ye an' Wade're taegether then.'  
  
'Yup.' Betsy replies. 'We both got brought back from the dead and ended up falling in love.'  
  
'You got anyone special Terry?' Wade asks. 'A guy? It could be a girl for all I know!'  
  
'I havnae got anyone in particular.' Terry replies. 'But me an' Jamie're steppin' out taegether!'  
  
'You and Multiple?' Wade asks. 'You kinky minx! Going out with a guy that can make copies of himself! Instant orgy material!'  
  
'It's nothing like that ye perv!' Terry blushes. 'We're just friends!'  
  
'Sure you are!' Wade smirks. 'And I'm the King of Sweden!'  
  
Later-  
  
Wade and Terry are left alone while Betsy goes to visit the little girls' room.  
  
'Ye cannae be serious havin' a pair o' loonies like Typhoid Mary an' Pyro on yuir team!' Terry says. 'They're insane!'  
  
'I'm not exactly the poster boy for sanity, am I?' Wade counters.  
  
'Point.' Terry sighs. 'But she did pretend ate be me that one time and seduce ye.  
  
'Let bygones be bygones, I suppose!' Wade replies.  
  
'Wade?'  
  
'Yeah?'  
  
'Do ye ever think what wouldae happened if we stayed taegether?' Terry asks.  
  
'I used to.' Wade replies. 'Before I met Betsy. But now I've got someone that loves me for the guy that I am, even if that guy is slightly insane.'  
  
'I wish I had a stable relationship like ye two.' Terry sighs. 'I havnae had a lasting relationship in... years!'  
  
'What about you and Jamie?' Wade asks.  
  
'I dinnae know.' Terry replies. 'It's kindae weird, ye know, office romance an' all that.'  
  
'Me and Betsy work together.' Wade replies. 'We're in a relationship and it doesn't affect our work! You should talk to Jamie and tell him how you feel. You never know, he might feel the same way!'  
  
'Wow!' terry says. 'That was deep! How did ye ever learn that?'  
  
'Simple!' Wade replies. 'Betsy's banned me from killing so in order to use up my spare time, I started reading psychology books!'  
  
Wade and Terry look up as Betsy walks up and puts her hand on Wade's shoulder.  
  
'I'm afraid we have to go now luv.' Betsy says. 'We'd better get back before Jubilee squashes Angelo with all those shopping bags!'  
  
Betsy turns to Terry and gives her a friendly hug.  
  
'It was nice meeting you again terry. We're staying at the Hotel Derriere, come and stop by whenever you want. We'd be perfectly happy to look after you!'  
  
'Thanks Betsy.' Terry replies. 'I might take ye up on that!'  
  
As they leave, Wade turns back to Terry.  
  
'Remember what I said, talk to him!'  
  
'Aye, I will!'  
  
With that, Wade takes Betsy's arm in his and walks along to their hotel.  
  
'Where did you ever learn to be so deep?' Betsy asks.  
  
'I read a lot of beer mats!' Wade grins!  
  
'You big bloody liar!' Betsy replies. 'You're going soft!'  
  
'Maybe so.' Wade adds. 'But there's one part of me that never goes soft!'  
  
Betsy just grins and shakes her head good-naturedly.  
  
'You're a perv, you know that?' She grins.  
  
'You know you dig it Cute Buns!'  
  
END...  
  
NEXT: Wackiness in Venice with Jubilee and Angelo! Guest starring: The Amazing Spider-Man! 


	17. Our Soles are Cheap Today

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 17: Our Soles are Cheap Today  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own Deadpool, Psylocke, Jubilee, Skin, Typhoid Mary or Pyro or Spider-Man and MJ, Marvel does!  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Dark Jaded Rose- If you thought that the hotel name was funny, you should go back and read chapter 9 of 'The Insey-Winsey Spider-Man', Todd and Felicia were drinking wine called 'Chateau Derriere!'  
  
L1701E- Sorry, no plans for Kid Razor, I'm afraid that the BLEW World Tour has already passed through their US dates.  
  
Risty- I wouldn't know much about psychology, not being a psych student and all... Who wouldn't like being with a person that could create multiples of themselves?  
  
Agent-G- I'm afraid that Deadpool and the others won't be making much of an appearance this chapter because I've decided to give Jubilee and Angelo a chapter all to themselves.  
  
Quote of the day- 'Please allow myself to introduce... myself.'- Austin Powers (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery)  
  
A random hotel; Venice, Italy-  
  
The doors to a random swanky hotel swing open as Deadpool and co stroll in. As usual, Wade goes up to get the room keys, leaving Betsy and the others to occupy themselves for the next minute or so.  
  
Wade walks up with the keys and everybody splits up and goes their separate ways.  
  
Wade and Betsy-  
  
Betsy is unpacking her luggage while Wade phones the front desk.  
  
'Hello, I'd like to order a wake up call at six fifteen in the morning. For every room but this one. Thankyou.'  
  
Wade hangs up the phone and notices Betsy's glare.  
  
'What?' He asks innocently. 'I love trying new material on the road!'  
  
Betsy just shrugs and finishes hanging up the rest of the clothes.  
  
'I'm going to have a shower.' She says, taking off her top.  
  
'Okay.' Wade replies. 'I'll just sit back and occupy myself with those obscure Italian soap operas.'  
  
'You never know, I might need someone to scrub my back!' Betsy says with a lecherous glint in her eye.  
  
'Damn! You're one kinky British chick, ain'cha?' Wade grins.  
  
'I try!'  
  
Wade follows Betsy into the bathroom and shuts the door behind them.  
  
'Oh! I've got an idea Cute Buns!' He says. 'After the shower, why don't you wear that little purple ninja bikini number and then we could get... comfortable?'  
  
Typhoid and Pyro-  
  
Typhoid and Pyro are lying on the bed in their underwear. John has his arm around Typhoid while she has her head laid on his shoulder.  
  
'John?'  
  
'Yes luv?'  
  
'Have you ever thought where this relationship is going?'  
  
'Well, Betsy said that we're headin' to Athens next.'  
  
'I didn't mean it like that John.' Typhoid replies. 'Do you think that this is a serious relationship?'  
  
'Oh yeah, of course I do Sheila! I do love you, ya know!'  
  
'And I love you too John. But, have you ever thought about getting married?'  
  
'What? Right now?'  
  
'Oh no, sometime in the future!'  
  
John breathes a sigh of relief.  
  
'Oh yeah, I plan on getting' married sometime. Maybe have a few kids too!'  
  
Typhoid rolls over so that she is now lying on top of John.  
  
'Correct answer Johnny!' She says, kissing him.  
  
Jubilee and Angelo-  
  
Jubilee and Angelo are walking hand-in-hand along the streets of Venice. Angelo turns his head and looks at his girlfriend and smiles happily. Jubilee turns her head and notices Angelo looking at her.  
  
'What?' She asks. 'Have I got something on my face?'  
  
'It's nuthin like that chica!' Angelo replies. 'I was just thinkin' how lucky I am to have you as my girlfriend!'  
  
'Aww, that's so sweet!' Jubilee coos, hugging him tight.  
  
Angelo smiles and hugs her back. He is just about to kiss her when she breaks away from the hug.  
  
'Ooh! Let's go on a gondola ride!' Jubilee says, bouncing up and down excitedly.  
  
With the moment now gone, Angelo sighs and follows her to the nearest gondola stop.  
  
Later-  
  
Angelo and Jubilee are now sat in a gondola travelling along the canals of Venice. Jubilee smiles happily and cuddles up closer to Angelo.  
  
'This is so romantic isn't it?' Jubilee sighs.  
  
'Oh yeah.' Angelo agrees. 'And I can't think of anyone better to spend it with!'  
  
'You're such a cheese ball!' Jubilee grins. She leans closer and kisses Angelo. He puts his arms around her waist and deepens the kiss.  
  
'Hey Ange.'  
  
'Yeah?'  
  
'Do you wanna go back to the hotel room later, for some... alone time?' Jubilee asks.  
  
'I'm only human Jubes!'  
  
'Spoilsport!' Jubilee pouts.  
  
Later still-  
  
Jubilee and Angelo are now sat in a swanky looking Venetian bistro, sipping coffee and eating pasta.  
  
'Mmm, I haven't tasted pasta like this since... ever!' Jubilee says.  
  
'I know, chica!' Angelo replies. 'It's pretty pricey though!'  
  
'It's not like we can't afford it!' Jubilee adds.  
  
'Uh, excuse me, is anybody sitting at this table?' A voice asks.  
  
'Oh no, go ahead!' Jubilee replies. 'The bistro's pretty full!'  
  
Still immersed in her pasta and coffee. Jubilee doesn't notice the person until Angelo elbows her in the ribs.  
  
'Omigod! I know you! You used to be on that medical soap opera show! You're...'  
  
'Mary Jane Watson-Parker!' The tall redhead replies.  
  
'What?' Her brown haired male companion asks. 'Don't I get an introduction?'  
  
'Sorry.' MJ says. 'This is my husband, Peter.'  
  
'I'm Jubilee, this is my boyfriend, Angelo!'  
  
'So what brings you to Venice Ms Parker?' Angelo asks.  
  
'Anniversary.' MJ replies. 'And please, call me MJ!'  
  
'So why are you guys here?' Peter asks.  
  
'We're going on a kinda world tour with some friends of ours.' Jubilee replies. 'We're headin' to Athens next!'  
  
'That sounds kind of expensive.' MJ says.  
  
'Not really.' Angelo replies. 'A friend of hours recently came into a lot of money, so we're helpin' her spend it!'  
  
Then something suddenly clicks in Peter's head.  
  
'Hey, I know you guys! You work at that detective agency in downtown Manhattan!'  
  
'The BLEW Detective Agency?' MJ asks. 'What does that stand for anyway?'  
  
'Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson.' Jubilee replies. 'I'm the Lee, Angelo's the Espinosa, Betsy's the Braddock and Wade's the Wilson.'  
  
'Wade Wilson as in Deadpool?' MJ asks.  
  
'The one and the same!' Angelo replies.  
  
'But he's...'  
  
'Dead.' Jubilee finishes. 'But he got better, Betsy too!'  
  
'We also work with Mary walker and St John Allerdyce.' Angelo says.  
  
'Typhoid Mary and Pyro?' Peter gasps. 'But they're...'  
  
'Psychos?' Angelo asks. 'Yeah, I know, but they're reformed now.'  
  
'John hasn't burnt anything in five months.' Jubilee says proudly.  
  
'What about the chicken that time?' Angelo asks.  
  
'That was an accident.' Jubilee replies.  
  
Peter and MJ just look in amazement at the two BLEW members.  
  
Back at the hotel-  
  
Jubilee and Angelo are now snuggled up together in bed.  
  
'MJ and Peter were a nice couple.' Angelo says.  
  
'Oh yeah.' Jubilee agrees. 'It was nice of MJ to give me her autograph like that.'  
  
'Did you see their faces when we mentioned Typhoid and John?' Angelo laughs.  
  
'Priceless!' Jubilee giggles.  
  
Jubilee scooches closer and starts to kiss Angelo's neck.  
  
'Oh Angelo...' She coos.  
  
When Angelo doesn't answer her, she looks at his face and notices that he's past asleep.  
  
'Crap!' She pouts. 'I suppose that I'll just have to make use of the free hotel porn...'  
  
END...  
  
NEXT: Egypt and the Fantastic 4... and Moleman. Tune in next time for 'Mole...' (Yes, that was an Austin Powers joke!) 


	18. Mole

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 18: Mole...  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything. Wade, Betsy and co belong to Marvel. As do the Fantastic 4 and the Mole Man.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Risty- Wade and Betsy are at it a lot, aren't they? There must be something in the water, cuz Typhoid, John, Jubilee and Angelo are at it a lot as well!  
  
Agent-G- Aw nuts! I forgot about the whole Marvel/DC thing with Jubilee and Robin in Venice! Then again, I think that Jubilee mentioning that would have spoilt the mood somewhat. Sorry, no plans for the Silver Samurai or Sunfire in Japan, I was thinking of something along the lines of Kill Bill style insanity with Betsy and Elektra! Plus, the Silver Samurai isn't really a bad guy and Sunfire is dead (I think!)  
  
Cairo, Egypt-  
  
Several bedraggled and sweaty figures walk into an Egyptian hotel. They are, of course, the members of the Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson detective agency.  
  
Jubilee plops down onto a nearby chair and opens up a bottle of water.  
  
'Why did we have to come to Egypt?' She moans. 'It's too damn hot!'  
  
'Betsy wanted to go see the pyramids.' Angelo replies.  
  
'You woulda thought that she'd seen them enough after all that crap with Apocalypse and the Twelve!' (1) Jubilee sighs.  
  
As usual, everybody splits up for the night to get some sleep.  
  
The next morning-  
  
Everybody is sat around the table discussing how to spend their first day in Egypt.  
  
'I say we go shopping.' Jubilee says.  
  
'In Egypt?' Typhoid replies. 'Good luck with finding anything worth buying!'  
  
'Why don't we hit the bars?' Wade asks.  
  
'At this time of the day?' Betsy replies. 'I don't think so.'  
  
'Why don't we go see the pyramids?' John pipes up. 'I've always wanted to see them.'  
  
'I have to agree with John here.' Betsy says. 'It would do us all good to go see some culture.'  
  
A chorus of groans and sounds of general complaints rises from the group.  
  
'I don't want any fuss from any of you, okay?' Betsy asks. 'Now go and get ready, it's going to be a long day.'  
  
The pyramids-  
  
Betsy, Wade and co are now dressed in clothes suitable for the desert. Wade is lagging behind, moaning about the choice of venue.  
  
'Don't see why have to come here.' He pouts. 'I wanted to hang around the pool, where it's nice and cool but nooo, we have to come see some crappy stone monuments!'  
  
Betsy turns around and fixes him with a glare. Wade sticks his tongue out in retaliation.  
  
Jubilee and Angelo meanwhile, are standing by a stall that sells bottled water.  
  
'Gah! So hot!' Jubilee moans, pouring some of her water on her face. 'I don't see why any sane person would come out here in the middle of the day!'  
  
'Just think how the nomads have it, chica!' Angelo adds. 'They have to live here!'  
  
'Tell me about it!' A voice says beside them. 'I wanted to go to Barbados but nooo, Reed dragged us all to Egypt to come see the pyramids!'  
  
Jubilee and Angelo turn around to see who the person is.  
  
'Holy crap! It's Johnny Storm!' Jubilee gasps. 'Dude, can I have your autograph?'  
  
'Only if you give me a swig of that water.' Johnny replies. 'I'm parched!'  
  
'Sure!' Jubilee says, passing him the bottle. Johnny takes a swig and signs the book that Jubilee conveniently has in her bag.  
  
'So where are the others?' Angelo asks.  
  
'Reed and Sue are showing Franklin around. Ben should be around here somewhere. Oh wait, there he is, he's looking after Val in the shade! C'mon I'll go introduce you!'  
  
Wade and Betsy-  
  
Typhoid and John have now joined Betsy and Wade on their tour around the pyramids.  
  
'You know what?' Typhoid says. 'I never knew how interesting this place could be!'  
  
'It gets more interesting by the second Sheila!' John replies. 'You should read how they used to mummify the bodies! They poked their brains out with rusty hooks and put them in pottery jars!'  
  
'Now that sounds cool!' Typhoid grins.  
  
'I still say we should have stayed around the pool.' Wade pouts.  
  
'Excuse me.' A voice says behind them. 'I can't help but overhear that you're talking about the process of mummification and I thought that I might explain about it a little more.'  
  
Betsy and co look behind them at the speaker. It's Reed Richards, Mr Fantastic of the Fantastic 4, and general know it all. His wife Sue and son Franklin are there too.  
  
'Hello Reed.' Betsy says. 'Nice to see you again. You too Sue!'  
  
'What brings you to Egypt?' Sue asks.  
  
'Vacation.' Betsy replies. 'We're having a kind of world tour!'  
  
'That sounds magnificent!' Sue says. 'You've got to tell me all about it over a nice cold drink!'  
  
Reed turns to Typhoid and John.  
  
'I heard that you two had reformed.' Reed says. 'But I thought that it was just idle gossip.'  
  
'What can I say?' John replies. 'I'm a good boy!'  
  
While the others are absorbed in their respective conversations, Wade takes the moment to make his exit and walk outside. He heads over to a shaded are where Jubilee and Angelo are talking to Johnny and Ben.  
  
'Not enjoying the tour Wade?' Jubilee asks.  
  
'Dusty old ruins just don't grab me like they used to.' Wade sighs.  
  
'I've gotta agree with yer there.' Ben adds. 'Their nice an' all but goin' on a tour with Stretcho in yer ear all the time kind gets borin', y'know?'  
  
Wade sits down and pops open a bottle of water.  
  
'I could be laying back in a pool of nice cool water right now.' Wade sighs. 'But Betsy wanted to come here of all places.'  
  
'Betsy Braddock?' Johnny asks. 'I thought she was dead! You too as a matter of fact!'  
  
'We got better.' Wade replies.  
  
'Uh guys?' Jubilee says. 'Do you feel that?'  
  
'Yeah.' Angelo replies. 'The ground's rumbling!'  
  
'That had better not be one of yours Ben!' Johnny says.  
  
'Oh stow it ya overgrown Zippo!' Ben retorts. 'I'd better go get Stretcho!'  
  
'There's no need for that, Ben.' Reed says. 'We came running as soon as we felt the ground shake.'  
  
'Any idea what it is Mr F?' Jubilee asks.  
  
'I'd say that a very large monster is just about to burst out of the ground.' Reed replies.  
  
'How did you guess that mate?' John asks.  
  
'Quite simple really.' Reed replies. 'There is one standing right behind you!'  
  
John spins around and lets out a girlish shriek at the sigh of the giant monster in front of him.  
  
'It looks like one of the Mole Man's monsters!' Sue says. 'But there's no sign of the Mole Man himself!'  
  
'Like that matters Suzie.' Ben replies. 'Moley don't have to be here for it to be... CLOBBERIN' TIME!'  
  
With that, the assembled members of the Fantastic 4 and the BLEW detective agency leap into action. Johnny is enveloped in flames as she shouts 'FLAME ON!' Reed stretched himself around the monsters body, trying to bind it. Sue batters it with invisible force fields. Ben beats on it with his stony fists. Wade whips out a gun and shoots at it. Jubilee blasts it with a couple of Paffs. Angelo follows Reed's example and stretches his arms around the monster's legs. John pops open his lighter and blasts the monster with a burst of flame while Typhoid uses her telekinesis to levitate a stone block above the monster's head. That only leaves Betsy to look after Franklin and Val. Telepathy isn't of much use when you're fighting a non-sentient being.  
  
'Heads up!' Typhoid yells as she drops the large stone block. Everybody else dives out of the way as the stone block falls onto the monster's head, forcing it back down beneath the ground. Johnny and Pyro then blast the ground with jets of flame, melting the sand to block the hole, preventing the monster from escaping again.  
  
'Well that was a nice way to spend our vacation.' Jubilee says, dusting herself off. 'Way better than a tour of the boring old pyramids!'  
  
'Good work everybody.' Reed says. 'Especially you Typhoid and John. It's nice to see that former villains can be rehabilitated back into...'  
  
'Yeah, yeah.' Ben interrupts. 'You're only kissing butt so that yer can get a discount whenever we need to go ter them fer whutever.'  
  
'Well it's been nice meeting you.' Sue says. 'And Betsy, whenever you're near the Baxter Building, come up for some coffee.'  
  
'I might take you up on that Sue.' Betsy replies.  
  
And with that, the Fantastic 4 take their leave.  
  
Wade turns to Betsy with a begging look on his face.  
  
'Now can we pleeease go back to the pool?' he asks.  
  
'I suppose.' Betsy sighs.  
  
Wade jumps into the air with a 'Booyah!' and high fives Jubilee.  
  
'Last one into the pool is an anally retentive X-Man!' Wade grins, running off in the direction of the nearest way home.  
  
'You mean Cyclops right?' Jubilee asks, setting off behind him.  
  
'Same thing!'  
  
END...  
  
NEXT: Russia. BLEW gets another new member, a formerly dead New Mutant and member of the Exiles in: 'From Moscow With Great Affection!' 


	19. From Russia With Great Affection

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 19: From Russia With Great Affection  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything. All of the characters used in this story belong to Marvel.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Risty- I'm full of useless info myself. Go on, ask me something! I agree, saying 'Booyah!' is damn addictive! Curse the Titans for introducing me to that word!  
  
Agent-G- I think Sunfire was killed in one of the issues of the Weapon X series then again, I may be wrong! It looks like you were correct about your Assumptions to who the new member of BLEW is. Now I just need to think of someone to pair her up with...  
  
Quote of the day- 'We always said we were going to do something with our lives. Now look at us. You're an Office Manager and I'm dead.'- Harmony (Angel: Disharmony)  
  
The streets of Moscow-  
  
We currently find Wade Wilson and Betsy Braddock walking arm in arm along the streets of Moscow. It has been snowing during the night and the sidewalk before them is covered with snow. Betsy is dressed rather sensibly in clothes suitable for cold weather while Wade is dressed somewhat more... insane. He is wearing neon coloured ski gear.  
  
'I don't know why you wear that stuff!' Betsy sighs. 'You're attracting stares!'  
  
'I don't care Cute Buns!' Wade replies. He then smiles in greeting at a random passer-by. 'Hey there, enjoying the weather? Great! Had any vodka lately? Good stuff!'  
  
Wade turns to Betsy with a goofy grin.  
  
'See Cute Buns, they're cool!'  
  
'I don't care!' Betsy replies. 'Just change!'  
  
Wade sighs resignedly and presses his belt buckle, activating his image inducer. There is a brief burst of static as the inducer masks his appearance. It now appears that he is wearing a large coat with a warm sweater and slack underneath complete with walking boots.  
  
'Better?' Wade asks.  
  
'Much.'  
  
Later-  
  
Wade and Betsy have finished their walk and are now in their hotel room. Wade turns off his image inducer and throws off his boots. He jumps onto the bed and pats the place next to him invitingly.  
  
'Whatta ya say Cute Buns, you wanna... get comfy?'  
  
'Wade!' Betsy replies. 'It's only three in the afternoon!'  
  
'All the more reason to get started!' Wade grins lecherously.  
  
Betsy just rolls her eyes and walks over to the bathroom.  
  
'I'm taking Jubilee shopping later so I'm going to have a bath. You can join me in there if you want.'  
  
Wade jumps up from the bed and sheds his clothes quicker than you can say 'nympho ninja chick' before throwing open the door to the bathroom. He takes one look in the bathroom and lets out a girlish squeal.  
  
'Eeee! Betts! You'd better come see this!'  
  
Betsy runs up to the bathroom and peers in.  
  
'What the bloody hell?'  
  
Standing in the bathroom is a young blonde woman dressed in what looks to be a red bodysuit. Her right arm also seems to be encased in armour. She also has a nasty looking sword strapped to her back.  
  
'Uh, hi!' The young woman sheepishly says. 'I'm Illyana Rasputin, I'm your new member.'  
  
Later-  
  
Wade (now dressed in one of Betsy's robes) and Betsy are joined by Jubilee and the others. They listen while 'Illyana' explains her story.  
  
'The last thing that I remember was, the Exiles and I were fighting some random bad guys and I was about to be killed by a cheapo Superman wannabe. Then a disembodied voice told me that I was to come to Moscow and meet you guys.'  
  
'One thing, Sheila.' John says. 'What in Mick Dundee's name are the Exiles?'  
  
'A bunch of heroes that've been separated from their own realities.' Illyana replies.  
  
'O-Kay...'  
  
Then Jubilee stands up and asks a question.  
  
'You can't be out reality's Illyana; you died from the Legacy Virus. Hell, I was there when you died!'  
  
'That's because I'm not your Illyana. I'm from a different reality.'  
  
'That would explain why you're all growed up and not a little kid.' Typhoid adds.  
  
'So what are we gonna do now?' Illyana asks. 'Let's go look for some action! Being dead makes me horny!'  
  
Everybody takes a moment to register that.  
  
'I suppose that we could hit the bars.' Betsy sighs.  
  
Wade jumps up with a 'Yes!' accidentally revealing himself to everybody in the room.  
  
'Heh, sorry!'  
  
A random club, somewhere in Moscow-  
  
Illyana is leaning against a wall talking to Jubilee while the others dance or sit at tables with their drinks.  
  
'So what's the deal with you guys? In my reality, Pyro was a member of the Brotherhood and Typhoid was a psycho!'  
  
'They are.' Jubilee replies. 'Well, they were. Typhoid's renounced her psycho ways and Pyro died.'  
  
Illyana downs a shot of vodka before continuing.  
  
'What about you and the grey guy, are you together?'  
  
'Yup.' Jubilee replies. 'Funnily enough, he died too!'  
  
'I hope you don't mind me saying but you don't seem to be the kind of person to be into... y'know... necrophilia!'  
  
'Sex with dead bodies?' Jubilee winces. 'Eww, no! Angelo isn't a zombie or anything, he got brought back to life, just like you and Pyro.'  
  
'What about the other two, Wade and Betsy, were they dead too?'  
  
'Yeah. Wade got shot to pieces by Sabretooth and Betsy was stabbed through the heart.'  
  
'That musta sucked.' Illyana winces. 'So, is my brother alive in your reality?'  
  
'Colossus?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
Jubilee bites her lip nervously before continuing.  
  
'Uh... Colossus died a few years ago, he sacrificed his life to cure the Legacy Virus.'  
  
Illyana's face drops at the news.  
  
'At least he died the way he wanted.' She sighs. 'A hero.'  
  
Back at the Hotel-  
  
The gang are hanging around in the foyer and are about to go off to bed. Jubilee and Angelo have kindly offered to let Illyana bunk with them.  
  
'You do know that we'll have to tell the others.' Betsy says, referring to the X-Men. 'Kitty'll want to know that you're back, even if you're not our Illyana.'  
  
'There was a Kitty Pryde in your reality, wasn't there?' Jubilee asks.  
  
'Yeah.' Illyana replies. 'We were gay lovers!'  
  
Everybody's mouths drop open at the revelation. A wide grin spreads on Illyana's face.  
  
'You guys are so gullible!' She grins. 'We weren't gay lovers, only friends!'  
  
END...  
  
NEXT: China and... The Uncanny New Mutants! 


	20. The Uncanny BLEW Mutants: Part 1

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 20: The BLEW Mutants- Part 1  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own the members of BLEW, or the Uncanny New Mutants, they all belong to Marvel. I only own August.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Risty- I choose to blame to Titans. Booyah! I know, Illyana does kick ass!  
  
Agent-G- Yup, Piotr is still dead and working for that higher power guy. I was actually planning on keeping Illyana single because I wasn't planning on bringing anyone else back from the dead for the foreseeable future.  
  
Author's notes- You may want to read The Uncanny New Mutants to know what's going on and who August is. It's not essential, but it might help.  
  
Somewhere in Hong Kong-  
  
It is a relatively quiet night in Hong Kong. Well, as quiet as a major city like this can! Pedestrians bustle about buying some last minute groceries before the stores close for the night. What they don't know is that the quiet of the night is about to be broken.  
  
A van pulls up to a nearby bank and several men step out. One by one they take out novelty mask and put them on. The leader gives them the signal and they all take out automatic weapons and storm in.  
  
Meanwhile, in a nearby alley-  
  
A white stepping disc appears and several figures step out. These are our heroes, Wade Wilson, Betsy Braddock, Jubilation Lee, Angelo Espinosa, Typhoid Mart, St John Allerdyce and Illyana Rasputin, better known as BLEW, the Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson Detective Agency.  
  
'I still can't see why we couldn't bring the DeadMobile along!' Wade pouts. 'I'm gonna have to get a rental now, and they suck!'  
  
'How many times have I told you?' Illyana replies. 'I can only transport people!'  
  
'Uh guys.' Jubilee interrupts. 'Maybe you'd better see this.'  
  
The others look over in the direction that Jubilee is indicating and see the nearby bank. Through the large plate glass windows they can see several men wearing masks holding up the bank. One is wearing a Captain America mask, another has an Iron Man Mask, and another has a Batman mask while the last is wearing a Human Torch mask.  
  
'Got any plans?' Angelo asks.  
  
'Yup.' Illyana replies. 'I say we teleport in there and go kick some!'  
  
'Sounds good to me!' Wade replies. 'Cute Buns, what about you?'  
  
'I suppose.' Betsy sighs. 'Although I was planning on a quiet night in.'  
  
With everybody agreed on the matter, Illyana conjures up another stepping disc and they all get in, teleporting themselves into the bank.  
  
Inside the bank-  
  
The bank robber in the Cap mask points his gun at one of the bank tellers while the others guard the hostages.  
  
'Put the money in the bag now!' He yells.  
  
The teller begins to do as she is told until a stepping disc appears in beside them.  
  
'I wouldn't do that if I were you!' Wade says.  
  
The guy in the Cap mask turns around and shoots Wade in the chest.  
  
'Aww dammit!' Wade groans. 'That was a new shirt!'  
  
The guy in the Cap mask watches in amazement as Wade's gunshot wound heals up.  
  
'That wasn't very nice now was it?' Wade asks with a nasty grin on his face, snatching the gun away from the bank robber. The robber tries to block but Wade butts him on the back of the head with the gun. The robber falls down unconscious. That just leaves the other robbers to Betsy and the others.  
  
'This just isn't fair.' Jubilee says. 'Three against six?'  
  
'They're my kinda odds Sheila!' John replies.  
  
'So do you guys wanna throw down with us?' Illyana asks.  
  
As if in answer, the other three bank robbers cock their guns with a click.  
  
'I was hoping that you'd say that!' Illyana grins.  
  
Several minutes later-  
  
The bank robbers have been defeated and the gang are staying around talking to the police and the press. Betsy is being interviewed by a TV news reporter while Wade goofs around in the background.  
  
'How did you find out that there was a bank robbery happening?' The reporter asks.  
  
'The gunshots and the screams were kind of a giveaway.' Betsy replies.  
  
Behind her Wade holds up a sign saying 'Hi Mom!'  
  
'Is it true that some of you are mutants?' The reporter asks.  
  
'Ye sit is.' Betsy replies. 'We don't hide the fact that we're mutants.'  
  
Behind her Wade pulls sticks his tongue out.  
  
'Is it true that until recently some of you were in fact dead? How were you brought back?'  
  
'Most of us were dead.' Betsy replies. 'I was, for instance. So were Wade, Angelo, Illyana and John.'  
  
Wade is about to pull another face when Betsy turns around and looks straight at him. Wade pulls an innocent face and scoots away before she can kick his butt.  
  
The cameraman meanwhile, pans across to take a look at the others helping the people that were held hostage. He stops at a blond woman with red body armour, Illyana. She turns away from helping up an old woman and turns to the camera, smiling and waving.  
  
The Xavier Institute, meanwhile-  
  
Rahne, Warlock and the other Uncanny New Mutants watch the TV broadcast and the sight of their newly resurrected former teammate.  
  
'How can that be?' Warlock asks. 'Illyana's dead!'  
  
'An' she's all grown up!' Rahne adds.  
  
'I'm sorry to burst your bubble guys.' TJ pipes up. 'But that isn't your Illyana. She's one of my old team-mates from the Exiles.'  
  
'You guys know what this means, right?' Rachel asks.  
  
'We're going to Hong Kong!' August replies.  
  
The women's changing rooms-  
  
The female members of the Uncanny New Mutants are getting ready for the upcoming mission to Hong Kong. Rahne, August and the others have just finished getting ready and have left to meet the guys in the hangar bay. Rachel is sat on a bench lacing up her boots. She looks up and sees a naked TJ walk up to her. This fuzzy chick it seems, hasn't got any qualms about walking about in the buff.  
  
'Ray, can I ask you a favour?' TJ asks.  
  
'Sure, go ahead, TJ.' Rachel replies.  
  
'Well I'm kinda new to the institute and I was wondering where you keep the uniforms.'  
  
Rachel stands up and heads to a random shelf. She picks up a uniform and hands it to TJ.  
  
'This looks like it might fit you she says, try it on.'  
  
TJ takes the yellow and black New Recruit uniform from Rachel and indeed it does fit her. Rachel then hands her the matching boots and gloves.  
  
'Thanks, Ray.' TJ says. 'You're a life saver!' She then grabs Rachel in a huge hug.  
  
The telepathic redhead blinks unsurely as she gets an unusual feeling in her gut.  
  
{Whoa!} She thinks {Where did that come from? Don't tell me I'm crushing on Kurt's daughter! Oh God, I am!}  
  
TJ looks at Rachel with concern.  
  
'Ray, are you alright?'  
  
'I-I'm fine.' Rachel replies, a little flustered. 'Let's go shall we?'  
  
To be continued in: The Uncanny New Mutants: The Uncanny BLEW Mutants Part 2... 


	21. The Uncanny BLEW Mutants: Part 3

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 21:  
The Uncanny BLEW Mutants- Part 3  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything, only August.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
L1701E- Don't worry, Kid Razor will appear soon I promise!  
  
Risty- Yeah, sharing sucks!  
  
Agent-G- Hee! I hope you like the Cuckoos/Lockheed prank, it took me long enough to plan out!  
  
Author's Note- You might want to read 'The Uncanny New Mutants' too as some of that chapter is pretty important here.  
  
Hong Kong-  
  
The members of the Uncanny New Mutants and the Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson Detective Agency are gathered in the hotel bar waiting for Wade to appear.  
  
Everybody looks up as they hear a shout from the bar.  
  
'What do you mean you haven't got any vodka?' Wade yells. 'I'm a guest and I want vodka!'  
  
'Looks like Wade's here.' Kitty whispers to Rahne.  
  
Betsy walks up to her boyfriend and drags him away from the bar.  
  
'Wade, don't be such an ass! We've got important business to attend to!'  
  
'But Cute Buns!' Wade groans. 'I want vodka now...'  
  
'If you're going to start acting like a bloody baby, you won't get any at all!' Betsy replies.  
  
Wade just pouts and sits down.  
  
'Now, if everybody's ready.' Betsy says. 'I'll let Illyana explain why she's here.'  
  
Illyana stands up and clears her throat.  
  
'As most of you can tell I am not this reality's Illyana Rasputin. I come from a reality where I didn't die from the Legacy Virus. I was called by a guy called the Timebroker to join a team called the Exiles, which TJ was a member of too. After several adventures, I was killed by a guy called Hyperion, a cheap Superman wanabee. Then somehow I was brought back into this reality and met Wade and the others in Moscow. I think that covers it. Anybody got any questions?'  
  
Kitty raises her hand.  
  
'Am I in your reality?' She asks.  
  
'Yeah, you are.' Illyana replies. 'In fact we're gay lovers!'  
  
Kitty chokes on her beer in surprise.  
  
'WHAT?' She gasps.  
  
'Ha! Only kidding!' Illyana grins. 'I got Betsy with that one too! Jeez, you shoulda seen your face!'  
  
The Xavier Institute, meanwhile-  
  
Lockheed is patiently waiting in Kitty Pryde's room for the Stepford Cuckoos to arrive with the equipment for their prank. He watches as the door opens and the three telepathic teenage girls walk in laden with prank material.  
  
'Did yer get everything?' The dragon asks.  
  
The girls dump everything onto the bed and Phoebe starts counting off the items on her fingers.  
  
'A hat, stripy sweater, image inducer, gloves and razors. Yup, that's everything!'  
  
'What have you got in mind exactly?' Eve asks.  
  
'Come closer and I'll tell yer.' Lockheed replies.  
  
The girls lean closer as Lockheed begins to whisper his plan.  
  
'First we need ter get someone's help. My best guess is Drake; he's always good fer a prank. Then you tape the razors to the gloves...'  
  
Back in Hong Kong-  
  
After everybody ahs gotten over their initial scepticism of Illyana's return, they begin to enjoy themselves. Typhoid and Pyro are dancing on the dancefloor. Wade and Betsy are propped up by the bar. Jubilee and Angelo are catching up with the gossip from Xavier's with Amara. That just leaves the others; they're all sitting talking amicably over drinks.  
  
Rachel looks over at TJ and takes a deep breath.  
  
{Okay.} She thinks. {This is it, now or never! Time to tell TJ how I feel.}  
  
The redheaded telepath leans over and taps TJ on the shoulder.  
  
'TJ, can I talk to you for a sec?' She asks.  
  
'Sure Ray.' TJ replies. 'Go ahead!'  
  
'We're both mature adults and...'  
  
Rachel is interrupted by TJ's blowing bubbles in her Daiquiri.  
  
'Do you mind?' Rachel asks. 'I'm trying to be serious.'  
  
'Oh sorry.' TJ says, putting down her drink. 'Carry on.'  
  
Rachel takes another deep breath and continues.  
  
'As I was saying, were are both mature, responsible adults and I want to tell you something that I've never told anybody before, not even Kitty.'  
  
'What is it Ray?' TJ asks. 'Have you got an unusual allergy? A rude-shaped mole?'  
  
'I've got a crush on someone.' Rachel replies.  
  
'Ooh! Scandalous!' TJ grins. 'Go on, tell me who it is!'  
  
'Can we go and talk outside?' Rachel asks. 'I want this to be private.'  
  
'Sure.' TJ shrugs. 'What ever you want.'  
  
Rachel gets up from her seat and walks outside with TJ close behind her.  
  
Back at Xavier's-  
  
Pete Wisdom is walking through the hallway when he notices something unusual; the hallway has suddenly turned into an iron walkway with steam pipes strewn about the walls.  
  
'Bloody 'ell.' He says to himself. 'I musta got turned around and came inter the boiler room.  
  
Then something dawns on him, the institute doesn't have a boiler room!  
  
'I've got a bad feelin' about this!' He says.  
  
He starts to walk off in search of a way out when he hears singing. He walks closer so he can hear. He sees three little girls playing with a jump rope.  
  
'One, two, Freddy's coming for you... Three, four, better lock your door... five, six, grab your crucifix... seven, eight, going to stay up late... nine, ten, never going too sleep again...'  
  
Pete's had enough as he turns around and runs in the opposite direction.  
  
'Oh bloody 'ell!' He groans. 'This can't be happenin'!'  
  
He is about to reach a door when he trips over something. It's a goat! Pete shakes his head and runs off again. He stops as the door dissolves into a brick wall.  
  
'Oh bollocks! There must be a way out!'  
  
Pete is about to look for another way out when he hears a metallic screeching sound, kind of like somebody scraping a knife along a pipe.  
  
'Oh crap!' Pete winces. 'I know where I am now! Scary singin' kids, sacrificial goat, boiler rooms, I'm in 'Nightmare on Elm Street! AAAAARRRGHH!'  
  
Pete is about to round a corner when he sees a familiar-looking razor- tipped glove tapping on some wall pipes.  
  
'AAAARRGHH!' Pete screams. 'FREDDY'S GONNA KILL ME!'  
  
He sets off running again, screaming all the way.  
  
'Freddy' walks around the corner and presses a button on his watch. There is a brief burst of static revealing the form of Bobby Drake.  
  
'Well that was fun!' Bobby grins, dressed in a dirty stripy sweater, hat and a razor glove. 'You can come out now girls!'  
  
The three girls that were playing with the jump rope walk upto Bobby, along with the goat. The boiler room walls change back into the corridor of the Xavier Institute and the goat changes back into Lockheed the dragon.  
  
'Thankyou for your help Mister Drake.' Phoebe says. 'We couldn't have done it without you!'  
  
'No problem!' Bobby replies. 'There's nothing more fun than playing a prank on someone! Well, seeya around!'  
  
'Bye Mister Drake!' The girls reply.  
  
The girls are about to walk away when they hear Bobby talking to someone.  
  
'Hey Sage! Look, I'm Freddy Krueger! I'm gonna get you bitch!'  
  
The Stepford Cuckoos wince at the sound of fist on ice and the ensuing screams.  
  
'Ow! My face! My beautiful face!'  
  
Hong Kong-  
  
Rachel and TJ are now walking through the gardens of the hotel.  
  
'Well who do you have a crush on Ray?' TJ asks. 'C'mon tell me, the tension's killing me!'  
  
Rachel sits down on a nearby bench. TJ follows her lead and sits down beside her.  
  
'TJ, this might shock you.' Rachel says. 'I've been having these feelings for a certain team-mate.'  
  
'Omigod!' TJ gasps. 'You've got a crush on Bobby Drake, haven't you?'  
  
'Eew, no!' Rachel replies. 'I've got a crush on... you TJ. I like you...'  
  
TJ's mouth forms a small 'o' of surprise as she ponders what Rachel has just said.  
  
'I-I'm sorry.' Rachel says, standing up. 'I've freaked you out. I'll go.'  
  
TJ stand up and takes Rachel's hand, preventing her from leaving.  
  
'I'm not freaked.' She replies. 'Just surprised is all.'  
  
'But you're straight.' Rachel says. 'How can you feel the same way about me?'  
  
'I didn't tell you about the time I had a crush on Storm when I was eight, did I?' TJ replies.  
  
'You had a crush on Storm?' Rachel asks.  
  
'Oh yeah!' TJ replies. 'I just wanted to sweep her of her feet!'  
  
'But you were eight!' Rachel says.  
  
'I didn't say that the sweeping would be easy!' TJ grins.  
  
'But you had a boyfriend when you were and Exile.' Rachel adds. 'You almost had a child!'  
  
'Rachel.' TJ says, taking the redhead's hand. 'My time as and Exile is over no and it's time to make some changes. John's gone now and I'll never see him again.'  
  
'So you're cool with us being...'  
  
'Gay?' TJ replies. 'Sure. Hell, one of my best friends was gay!'  
  
Rachel smiles happily as TJ leans closer and kisses her gently on the lips.  
  
'Let's go inside.' TJ says. 'I wanna see my dad's face when we tell them that we're together!'  
  
Rachel links her hand with TJ's and walks back into the hotel with a huge grin on her face.  
  
END...  
  
Next on the 'Merc and the Ninja': Wade and co travel to Sydney for a rock concert. Kid Razor guest stars!  
  
Next on 'The Uncanny New Mutants': How will Kitty and Kurt react when they find out that TJ and Rachel are together? 


	22. Sydney Rocks!

The Merc and the Ninja  
Part 22: Sydney Rocks!  
  
By  
The Uncanny R-Man  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything. Wade, Betsy, Dazzler and co all belong to Marvel. Shawn Michaels belongs to the WWE. Kid Razor belongs to L1071E, who kindly let me borrow him for this fic. I also don't own the respective bands featured in this fic, they belong to... themselves I suppose.  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
Risty- Don't worry, the gang will travel to New Zealand in all good time. (In two chapter's time as a matter of fact.) I have a few things that I want the gang to do while they're in Australia. (Think Crocodile Dundee and Steve Irwin!)  
  
L1071E- I hope you like Kid Razor's appearance, hopefully he isn't too OOC.  
  
Joey1- I've never actually read Agency-X so I don't really know much about it. It's a pity that you don't like the Rachel/TJ relationship. I won't take it personally; everybody's entitled to their own opinions.  
  
Agent-G- That prank took a long time to set up but it was all worthwhile, right? Yes, I did get the feet sweeping comment from Buffy.  
  
Anything but ordinary- I'm glad that you liked the prank, I guess that I've been watching too many horror films lately. Not much of an Emma fan, eh? You don't hear me complaining about the way she dresses. {Drool...}  
  
Sydney, Australia-  
  
All is quiet at the Sydney Opera House. There are no tourists milling about seeing that the world-famous landmark is presently closed for renovations. It is pretty convenient when a white teleportation disc appears and our heroes step out.  
  
'Ah, there's not place like home!' Pyro grins. 'Welcome to Sydney blokes an' Shielas!'  
  
'I've been here before.' Betsy adds, referring of course to the time when the X-Men had a secret base in the Australian outback.  
  
'Me too.' Jubilee adds. 'This is the place I first met the X-Men.'  
  
'But I thought you met them in an LA mall, chica.' Angelo Says.  
  
'Smartass.' Jubilee pouts.  
  
'So what are we gonna do now guys?' Wade asks. 'Find a hotel and dump our stuff?'  
  
'I think that we'd better do that.' Illyana replies. 'Cuz I'm dying for a pee!'  
  
'Thanks for sharing that with us 'Yana.' Typhoid groans.  
  
Later-  
  
The respective couples have now split up and gone to their respective rooms. Wade and Betsy are presently unpacking their clothes. That is until Jubilee barges in through the door.  
  
'You guys won't believe what I just found!' Jubilee says.  
  
'Elvis?' Wade asks.  
  
'Guess gain.' Jubilee replies.  
  
'The lost city of Atlantis?' Wade asks again.  
  
'Nu-uh.'  
  
'The Ark of the Covenant?'  
  
'Getting cold.'  
  
'Scott Summers's spine?'  
  
'You're completely wrong.' Jubilee says. 'Kid Razor is in concert at the Sydney Astrodome!'  
  
'Who's Kid Razor?' Wade asks.  
  
'Where have you been, Wade?' Jubilee replies. 'Dead?'  
  
'Funny you should say that...' Wade replies.  
  
'Oh yeah.' Jubilee says. 'I forgot about that. Anyway, he's here on a one night only exclusive concert!'  
  
'And you're telling us because...?' Betsy asks.  
  
'I need you guys to go get tickets.' Jubilee replies.  
  
'Sorry, no can do.' Wade replies.  
  
Jubilee's face falls instantly. 'Why not?' She asks.  
  
'Because I've already got some!' Wade replies, whipping some concert tickets out of his pocket.  
  
Jubilee lets out a squeal of happiness and grabs Wade in a hug.  
  
'Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou!' She squeals. 'You are the best!'  
  
She then skips out of the room with a huge smile on her face.  
  
'Where exactly did you get those tickets?' Betsy asks suspiciously.  
  
Flashback to earlier that day-  
  
A group of people are walking past a ticket booth. Wade steps out of a door and approaches them.  
  
'Excuse me.' He says, flashing a police badge. 'I'm Detective Bruce... Columbo. I'm afraid that I will have to warn you that there is a drugs bust planned for tonight's Kid Razor concert so I will have to confiscate your tickets.'  
  
The group of people look at each other with confused expressions. After a short discussion with each other, they hand over the tickets.  
  
'Yoink!' Wade says, snatching the tickets out of their hands. The group of concertgoers can only watch in amazement as Wade runs down the street waving the tickets in the air.  
  
The Kid razor gig, later-  
  
Wade, Betsy and co are waiting in line for the gig. They are dressed accordingly in 80's style glam dress; you know the stuff, all spangly makeup and Lycra.  
  
'Who else is on the line-up?' Typhoid asks. 'I hope the Darkness are here.'  
  
'Oh yeah.' Jubilee replies. 'They're here, Dazzler too.'  
  
'I thought she was living in Mojoworld now.' Betsy says.  
  
'I heard that she came back to Earth to pursue her music career.' Wade says.  
  
'What makes you say that mate?' Pyro asks.  
  
'Well the fact that she's on the frickin' poster for a start!' Wade replies.  
  
'I suppose that it would be nice to meet Alison again.' Betsy says. 'We haven't seen each other since... forever!'  
  
'I just hope that these back stage passes are valid.' Wade says.  
  
Jubilee spins around and grabs Wade by the collar.  
  
'Did you say back stage passes?' She squeals excitedly.  
  
'Yup.' Wade replies, holding up several laminated passes. 'One for each of us.'  
  
Wade then passes them around and everybody puts them on.  
  
'I hope you guys know that I've never even heard of this Kid Razor guy.' Illyana says. 'He wasn't around in my reality.'  
  
'Don't worry sweety.' Wade replies, patting Illyana on the shoulder.' I haven't got any idea who this guy is either.'  
  
The line finally gets moving and the gang walk into the stadium in time to see the first act up on stage.  
  
Later-  
  
The concert is in full swing as the Darkness finishes their set.  
  
'These guys rule!' Typhoid says.  
  
'I hear that!' Angelo replies. 'They're the best thing in the world since... ever!'  
  
'Ahem.' Illyana says, indicating her Ozzy T-Shirt.  
  
'Ozzy's cool too, I suppose.' Angelo replies.  
  
Then the announcer walks up on stage to introduce the final act of the evening.  
  
'And now, for the final act of the evening. He is the Kid of Rock, all the way from Cleveland, USA. She is the Mutant princess of Rock, it's... KID RAZOR AND DAZZLER!!'  
  
A huge roar of applause resounds from the audience as a guy and a woman walk onto the stage. The guy has a long mane of blonde hair and is dressed like Shawn Michaels while the woman ahs shorter blonde hair and is wearing a silver body suit and blue face paint.  
  
'Hello Sydney!' Kid Razor yells through the microphone. 'Are you ready to rock?'  
  
The audience replies with a resounding 'YEAH!!'  
  
'We can't hear you!' Dazzler adds. 'We said, are you ready to rock?'  
  
The audience replies the same way, this time much, much louder.  
  
'Awesome!' Kid Razor grins. 'Let's get started with our first song. This is from our new album, the Kid of Rock and it's called, 'Heartbreak Kid!'  
  
Kid Razor signals to the band and the song begins.  
  
After the show-  
  
Wade and co are strolling through the backstage area, looking for the dressing rooms.  
  
'Why am I getting the strangest sense of déjà vu?' Wade asks.  
  
'I agree with you, luv.' Betsy adds. 'This kinda reminds me of when we went to the ballet and we got lost backstage.'  
  
'Then you got possessed by some kinky spirits and ended up getting in on in the prima ballerina's dressing room.' Jubilee grins.  
  
'We'd better watch out for any mystical energy then.' Betsy says.  
  
After several more minutes of walking, they finally get to the band's dressing room. Well, they would be able to get in if there wasn't a mob of rabid fangirls trying to get Kid Razor's autograph.  
  
'Whoa there ladies!' Kid Razor says. 'One at a time, please. I've only got one pair of hands.'  
  
'Outta my way!' Wade says, barging past the fangirls. He hands Kid Razor an autograph book. 'Umm, hi. Can I have your autograph please? It's not for me, it's for my Mom, who's also called Wade.'  
  
'Uhh, sure.' Kid razor replies, taking Wade's book and signing it. He then looks at Wade's backstage pass. 'You guys go right in.' He says. 'Ali's right inside. Make yourself at home, there's a few beers in the fridge, help yourselves.'  
  
Wade does as he is told and walks into the dressing room. Betsy and the others follow him in.  
  
Inside they see Alison Blaire, aka Dazzler sitting on a couch. Dazzler gets up and grabs Betsy in a huge hug.  
  
'It's sooo great to see you again Betts.' She says. 'I heard that you were dead.'  
  
'I got better.' Betsy replies.  
  
'Grab yourself a beer.' Dazzler says. 'Grab a seat too.'  
  
Betsy and co all grab a beer and sit down.  
  
'So what brings you to Sydney?' Dazzler asks. 'Apart form the obvious.'  
  
'We're having a round the world trip.' Betsy replies.  
  
'Cool.' Dazzler says. 'Umm Betts, is it true what I heard about you and Deadpool?'  
  
'About us being together?' Betsy asks. 'Oh yeah, that's true.'  
  
'Right.' Dazzler says, not really believing what she is hearing. 'And you've got a detective agency with Typhoid Mary and Pyro?'  
  
'Yup.' Betsy replies. 'That too.'  
  
'Stranger things have happened I suppose.' Dazzler says. 'Hell, I used to live in a place full of miniature versions of the X-Men!'  
  
'Aren't you gonna introduce me Ali?' Kid razor asks, walking in from the rabid fangirls and grabbing a seat.  
  
'Betsy, guys, this is Kid Razor. Razor, these are the guys.'  
  
'Nice to meet you guys.' Kid Razor says. 'So, are you guys all mutants?'  
  
'Everybody except me and Typhoid.' Wade replies. 'What about you?'  
  
'Of course he's a mutant wade!' Jubilee interrupts. 'Haven't you read his official biography?'  
  
'So what are your powers anyway?' Betsy asks.  
  
'I can harness the power of rock!' Kid razor replies with a smug grin.  
  
'Which mean what exactly mate?' Pyro asks.  
  
'I'm the sexiest guy alive!' Kid Razor replies with an equally smug grin. 'And I'm a kickass rock star too boot.'  
  
'Don't forget your powers of arrogance.' Dazzler adds.  
  
'And I have the powers of arroga... Hey!'  
  
With that, Wade and co decide to enjoy the backstage party with Kid Razor and Dazzler long into the night, well morning anyway...  
  
END...  
  
NEXT: Pyro takes the gang on a trip to the Australian outback. Cue lots of Crocodile Dundee/Steve Irwin jokes in... 'Crikey, Look at the Size of That Bloke!' 


	23. Crikey, Look At The Size of That Bloke!

**The Merc and the Ninja**  
**Chapter 23: Crikey, Look At The Size Of That Bloke!  
**  
**By**  
**The Uncanny R-Man**  
  
_Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel. Apart from Steve Irwin, he belongs to himself. I also don't own Crocodile Dundee or the Simpsons...  
  
Shout Outs-  
  
L1701E- Look out for an appearance from Kid R__azor in 'Bandage Face and Wolfgirl' soon. It sucks that you have to take down 'Whose Line Is It Anyway', that was cool.  
  
Agent-G- If by 'outback humour' you mean 'making fun of Steve Irwin' then yes, there will be plenty of it. I have a few ideas for stuff that the gang can do once they get back to New York. I can't tell you cuz... I'm mean._  
  
_Risty- Ultimate Dazzler scares me... Yay The Darkness!  
  
Notes- None of the comments in this fic are supposed to be a slur upon those of Australian descent, they are only meant as clean, harmless fun. So please don't go flaming me for being Anti-Aussie. I liked 'Crocodile Dundee' and I have a Kylie Minogue calendar on my door, so there!_

* * *

**Somewhere in the Australian outback-**  
  
There is a small town in the Australian outback called Walla Walla. Just like several other Australian outback towns, nothing much goes on here. The town's population barely reaches over double figures and there's only one pub in town. The town used to be a thriving cattle town way back then but everything changed when the town's livestock was eaten by the poisonous kangaroos that hopped into town one day. Needless to say, the town has never properly recovered.  
  
A lone kangaroo hops along the dust-strewn path with a newspaper in her mouth. The kangaroo hops over to the pub and drops the newspaper onto the doorstep. Then her sensitive snout detects something unusual, not a lone dingo on the prowl or a hyperactive crocodile hunter on his search for his new TV show, oh no, it's something different. This much is evident as a white teleportation disc appears in the air and several figures step out. The kangaroo take one look at the new arrivals and hops away in fear. The figures are, of course, Wade Wilson, Betsy Braddock, Jubilation Lee, Angelo Espinosa, Typhoid Mary, St John Allerdyce and Illyana Rasputin. Wade is wearing a hat with corks dangling from the rim.  
  
'Hello Australia!' He shouts.  
  
'Um Wade.' Betsy says. 'The town's deserted.'  
  
'I knew that, Cute Buns.' Wade replies. 'I bet they're all in the pub.'  
  
'I resent that, mate.' John says. 'Not all Australians are lager-swilling drongos!'  
  
'Do you see anybody about here Pyro?' Wade asks.  
  
'Well there's that dead lizard lying in the road.' Jubilee adds.  
  
'And that rather large spider on that rock.' Typhoid says.  
  
Wade lets out a girly shriek and jumps behind Betsy.  
  
'Help Cute Buns, hide me!'  
  
'Don't be such a pansy, Wade.' Betsy replies. 'It's only a spider.'  
  
'A venomous spider, might I add.' Wade says.  
  
'I don't think so.' Betsy replies. 'It doesn't look venomous.'  
  
'That's what they want you to think.' Wade says. 'Then, when they bite you, your arms starts to dissolve and your butt falls off.'  
  
'That's a load of crap.' Betsy says. 'No living spider can make that happen.'  
  
'I don't see you touching it Betsy.' Illyana says.  
  
'Yeah, Cute Buns.' Wade adds. 'If you're so tough, why don't you touch it?'  
  
'Cuz I don't wanna...' Betsy pouts.  
  
'All this talking about spider's has made me thirsty.' Pyro says. 'I'm going in the pub.'  
  
'I'll join you.' Typhoid adds.  
  
'Us too.' Jubilee and Angelo say.  
  
'Off to the pub we go then.' Betsy sighs. She is about to step into the pub when she sees Wade poking the dead lizard with a stick.  
  
'Poke, poke... Come on you lazy reptile, do something... Poke...'  
  
Betsy just shakes her head and walks into the pub to join the others.  
  
The pub is, as you would expect in a place like Walla Walla, most of the patrons are big hairy men with sweat stains on their vests, a ceiling fan sputtering over their heads and a game of Australian football playing on the tiny TV over the bar. The person behind the bar may be a woman but as with these outback places, you can't really tell between the sexes.  
  
Betsy joins the others at the bar.  
  
'What can I get yer luv?' The... ahem... woman behind the bar asks.  
  
'I'll have a glass of water please.' Betsy replies.  
  
'Beer it is then.' The... woman says.  
  
'No, I asked for water.' Betsy replies.  
  
'Yeah.' The... 'woman' says. 'Beer.'  
  
'No.' Betsy replies. '_Wa-ter_.'  
  
'_Be-eer_.' The 'woman' says.'  
  
Betsy just rubs the bridge of her nose in exasperation. 'Just give me a bloody beer then.' She groans.  
  
Over in a moth-bitten booth, Jubilee and Illyana are talking while Angelo idly plays with a discarded dinner fork. Then a sweaty, hairy guy walks upto them and looks at Angelo.  
  
'You call that a knife?' The sweaty-hairy guy asks. '**THIS** is a knife!'  
  
Angelo takes one look at the utensil in the guy's hand and cocks a curious brow.  
  
'No offence man but, that's a spoon.'  
  
The sweaty-hairy guy's eyes dart about nervously as he tries to think of a comeback.  
  
'I see yer've played '_Knifey-Spooney_' before then.' He says.  
  
Angelo just watches in amazement as the guy walks of with his spoon.  
  
'Is it me or is this trip starting to turn into an episode of the Simpsons?' he asks.  
  
'It's not you.' Jubilee replies.  
  
Over in another corner of the booth, Typhoid is downing an ice-cold beer while John visits the restrooms (not that you could really call them that.) She looks up from her beer as three more hairy-sweaty guys walk upto her table.  
  
'G'day Sheila.' One of the guys says. 'You wanna dance?'  
  
'No thanks.' Typhoid replies.  
  
'I don't think yer understand me, luv.' The sweaty-hairy guy says. 'I want ter dance an' I always get what I want!'  
  
'I told you, no thankyou!' Typhoid replies, this time louder.  
  
'Oh I'm terribly sorry, luv.' The sweaty-hairy guy says, bowing chivalrously. 'Please excuse the misunderstanding.'  
  
Typhoid just shrugs as she takes another swig of her beer.

* * *

**Later-**  
  
The gang has now finished their trip to the pub and are about to leave when Wade catches sight of something in the corner of his eye.  
  
'Crikey!' He says. 'Look at the size of that bloke!'  
  
Betsy and the others watch in amazement as Wade runs off and tackles a crocodile to the ground.  
  
'What the hell is a crocodile doing in the middle of the bloody outback?' Betsy asks. 'There's aren't any rivers for miles around!'  
  
'It looks like the author wanted to get in one more Steve Irwin joke before he got bored.' Jubilee shrugs.  
  
Betsy and co continue to watch Wade wrestle with an illogically-placed crocodile.  
  
'Crikey, wooh, danger, danger, danger... Look at this bloke, he's sayin' Don't mess with me, I'm dangerous. Wooh, danger!'  
  
'Wade has **GOT TO** stop watching Animal Planet.' Betsy groans. 

_END..._  
  
_NEXT: New Zealand and the Avengers..._


	24. Pushing Sheep, Squashing Parrots

**Uncanny Wade and Betsy**

**(Formerly know as: The Merc and the Ninja)**

**Chapter 24: Pushing Sheep, Squashing Parrots**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel._

_Shout Outs-_

_Risty- That bit in the last chapter about the dancing was taken from an episode of the Simpsons. I forget which, but it was the one when Marge went Thelma and Louise-ing it with her neighbour._

_L1701E- I'm afraid that I've stopped writing Bandage Face and Wolfgirl and as such he won't be making an appearance. I will however try to fit him in elsewhere._

_Agent-G- You should know by now that I'm not going to tell you what I've got planned. Well Kang and Zemo definitely aren't going to make an appearance I'll tell you that much._

* * *

**New Zealand-**

New Zealand, probably the only place in the World where sheep outnumber the people and the home of an amusingly named flightless green parrot. One such amusingly named flightless parrot hopped across the ground searching for a meal. It had just sighted some particularly succulent-looking root and was about to tuck in when its attention was caught by a white disc appearing above its head. Before it could hop away in fear, several people dropped out on top of it.

'Aww crap!' Wade winced. 'I think I trod in something.'

'It's most probably a lump of sheep poo.' Betsy replied. 'There are a lot of them around here.'

'Yeah, as a matter of fact, this particular part of New Zealand is home to one of the rarest birds in the word.' Jubilee added. 'The kakapo, I think.'

Typhoid snorted in laughter but Jubilee just ignored it and carried on.

'It's a flightless green land parrot. As a matter of fact, there are only like, five breeding pairs left.' Jubilee continued.

Wade looked down at his foot and noticed a green smudge.

'Whoops.'

'Why whoops, Wade?' Betsy asked.

'Umm... No reason...' Wade replied as he brushed the kakapo remains off his foot. 'Just sheep poo...'

* * *

**Later-**

The gang were still walking across the hills of New Zealand admiring the view. They hadn't sighted any people yet, just sheep, lots of sheep.

'Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?' Wade asked as he eyed the sheep in suspicion. 'Those sheep are up to something, I can smell it.'

'Don't be so stupid, Wade.' Betsy replied. 'They're just sheep, what possible harm could they do?'

Wade juts muttered under his breath and continued walking on. That was until he found that a sheep was barring his way.

'C'mon, you dumb piece of Sunday dinner, get out of my way.'

'Wade, just walk around the bloody thing.' Betsy sighed.

'No way Cute Buns, I'm higher up the food chain, I've got the right of way.' Wade replied.

'Yeah, sure, whatever...' Betsy sighed again as she walked off again, leaving Wade and the sheep together.

'I've never even been to New Zealand before.' Angelo said. 'And I must say, I'm impressed.'

'Johnny don't seem to impressed.' Jubilee replied. 'As a matter of fact, he looks damn well pissed off!'

'His only Australian.' Angelo shrugged. 'Nothing too bad.'

As the others walked off, Wade was still arguing with the sheep.

'Get out of my way or I won't be held responsible for what I do next.'

The sheep just ignored Wade and continued munching on the grass.

'Okay, that's it. You leave me no choice!' Wade hissed as he rubbed his hands together and chuckled in glee. He took one step forward and... pushed the sheep over.

'Heehee. That was fun.' Wade giggled childishly as he looked around for other sheep to push over.

A little further on, Betsy and co looked back and watched as Wade continued to push over a load of sheep, giggling like an insane little schoolgirl.

'And I thought I used to be nuts.' Typhoid muttered.

* * *

**Later still-**

The gang had grown tired of walking and decided to take a stepping disc to the nearest city. The people of Auckland didn't even look up as our heroes stepped out of said disc.

'All all that sheep pushing's made me mighty thirsty.' Wade said. 'Anybody wanna join me for a drink?'

'I remember the last time you had a drink.' Betsy replied. 'You ended up drunk, naked and singing a song about a goblin named Norman.' (1)

'So that's a no then.' Wade sighed. 'Guys? You wanna come have a drink with me?'

'No thanks Wade.' Jubilee replied. 'I'm gonna hit the shops.'

'And I suppose I'd better tag along to be your pack mule.' Angelo sighed.

'You know it buster.' Jubilee replied with a smirk.

'I'm gonna see if this place has got anything half-decent to burn.' Pyro said.

The others looked at him in amazement.

'I meant look at the sights... Yeah, the sights...'

'I'll come for a drink.' Illyana sighed. 'Show these pansies how to drink.'

'That's my girl.' Wade grinned as he put an arm around the blonde sorceress's shoulder.

'Take it off or I'll take it off.' Illyana growled menacingly.

Wade knew better than to argue so he did as he was told.

'So, drinks...'

* * *

**The nearest bar-**

Wade and Illyana walked into a random bar, which also happened to be the nearest and grabbed a seat in a corner booth.

While Illyana went to the ladies', Wade looked around at the people in the bar. It was mostly full of non-descript men and women. All apart from a tall muscular blonde guy who Wade thought looked suspiciously familiar.

Illyana came back from the ladies' and sat down.

'Are you gonna buy these drinks or what?' She asked.

Wade ignored the comment and continued staring at the blonde guy.

'Hey 'Yana, does that guy look familiar to you?' He asked.

'I should think so.' Illyana replied, not even looking up from her seat. 'That's captain America.'

'How did you know?' Wade asked.

'Well the big-honking shield was kind of a giveaway.'

'Let's go.' Wade said as he jumped up form his seat and started to pull Illyana out of the bar.

'What's the rush?' The blonde sorceress asked. 'Aren't we gonna have anything to drink?'

'No time.' Wade replied as he continued to pull Illyana towards the exit.

'Aww, you're embarrassed.' Illyana cooed. 'Hey I know, I'll call him over... **HEY CAP! YOO-HOO! OVER HERE! HEY!'**

Wade clamped his hand over Illyana's mouth and dragged her out of the exit.

'What the hell did you do that for?' He hissed. 'Didn't I tell you me and cap have history? I punched him in the throat for God's sake!'

Back inside, She-Hulk and the Scarlet Witch walked up to the table where Captain America and Hawkeye were sitting.

'There you are guys, root beer for Cap and proper beer for Clint.' She-Hulk said. 'Martini for Wanda and triple JD for me.'

'Correct me if I'm wrong Steve.' Wanda said. 'But wasn't that Deadpool over there trying to catch your attention?'

'If it was he soon disappeared quick.' Clint added. 'I wonder what spooked him.'

'Most probably ran off cuz he once punched cap in the throat, right?' She-Hulk asked.

'Yes, Deadpool did once punch me in the throat.' Cap sighed. 'And I've never heard the end of it...'

* * *

**The New York Head Quarters of the BLEW Detective Agency-**

Wade and co stepped out of yet another stepping disc and breathed in the air of their home.

'Well it's certainly good to be back.' Wade breathed. 'I don't know about you guys but I'm thirsty.'

'Didn't you just go to a bar?' Betsy asked.

'Yeah.' Illyana replied. 'He chickened out because Captain America was there.'

'Oh right.' Betsy nodded. 'The punch-in-the-throat thing.'

Everybody was brought to attention as they heard a scream coming form the kitchen.

'That sounded like Wade.' Betsy said as she dashed off in the direction of the scream. The others followed suit and saw Wade pointed at a purple-cloaked figure with a horrified look on his face.

'What is it Wade?' Betsy asked. 'What's the matter?'

_TBC..._

_Notes-_

_(1)- Get it? A goblin named Norman? Sort it out for yourself..._

_Next: Ahhh! Death!_


	25. Aaah! Death!

**Uncanny Wade and Betsy**

**Chapter 25: Aaah! Death!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer-** I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

_**Risty- **How could I not mention sheep in a chapter about New Zealand? It's the only place that the sheep outnumber the people, right? I would have chosen a kea but the kakapo has a much funnier name._

_**Agent-G- **No, Wade isn't going to die. Think 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey' and you'll get an idea what's gonna happen. _

* * *

**BLEW HQ, New York-**

Wade cowered in the corner as a purple-robed figure stood before him.

'Wade, what is it?' Betsy asked.

The purple-robed figure removed its hood to show the face of an attractive woman.

'Do we know you?' Betsy asked.

The robed woman just shook her head.

'Not much of a talker, huh?' Jubilee muttered. 'You gonna tell us who you are or what?'

Wade finally stopped cowering and answered the question.

'She's Death.' He said. 'And she's come back for me.'

'But why were we brought back if Death's gonna come take us away again anyway?' Angelo asked. 'Sounds kinda stupid to me.'

'Excuse us just one second Miss uh... Death.' Betsy said with an apologetic look on her face as she ushered everybody together.

'He have to do something, we can't just let Death take us away after all the work we've done.' Betsy whispered.

'What work?' Jubilee replied. 'We've only had one case and that was Typhoid.'

'I don't suppose you guys know any way to beat Death.' Angelo said.

'Death isn't something you cam just beat into submission.' Betsy replied. 'It's a force of nature. Fighting Death will be like attacking Galactus with a pointy stick!'

'Hang on guys, I've got a great idea...' Wade said as he grinned evilly. 'Have any of you seen Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey?'

'You're not going to challenge Death to a game of Twister, are you?' Betsy asked, not believing her ears.

'You got a better idea, Cute Buns?' Wade replied.

* * *

**Later-**

Jubilee was sitting on a desk with the Twister spinner placed on her lap. Typhoid was sitting beside her while Wade, Betsy, Angelo and Pyro were playing Twister with Death.

'Left hand green.' Jubilee commanded.

Wade and co struggled to place the desired limb on the right colour as they were all tangled up. Even Betsy with her amazing Twister abilities was finding it hard to stay up.

There was a groan as Death's legs began to give away. Everybody sighed in relief as she fell on her butt.

'Well I guess that's that.' Jubilee said as the others untangled themselves. 'Seeya Death. Don't go away angry, just go away!'

Instead of leaving, like a good loser would, Death just stood their pouting like an insolent child.

'Best two out of three?' Wade asked.

Death nodded in reply.

'Yana, bring out Battleships!' Wade commanded.

* * *

**Later-**

It was Wade's turn to give out the coordinates.

'B-12!'

Death punched the table in anger as Wade sunk her battleship.

'Three out of five?' She wrote on a notepad.

* * *

**Later still-**

Wade, Death and the others were playing Clue! Death picked up the die, rolled and moved the correct number of spaces, moving in to the library.

'Miss Scarlet in the conservatory with the handgun.' She wrote down on her pad.

Illyana picked up the enveloped containing the murderer, murder weapon and the place the murder happened and read them out.

'Reverend Green in the Ballroom with the lead pipe!' She read triumphantly. 'Looks like you lose once again, Death baby!'

Death wrote down something else on her pad.

'Best five out of seven?'

'Okay, but this is the last one.' Betsy said. 'This is getting old fast!'

* * *

**Even later-**

Death and Wade were playing rock-paper-scissors. Both combatants shook their hands and made their action of choice.

'Rock!' Wade said as Death made the scissors action. 'You lose once again!'

Death winced in anger after yet another defeat.

'Bye-bye now, don't be a stranger!' Jubilee said as she gave Death a little wave.

Death sneered in disgust and slunk outside before disappearing to wherever she belongs.

'Well that was over surprisingly quickly.' Betsy said. 'I was expecting more of a fight.'

'Death's showing her age, I guess.' Wade replied. 'She has been around since the dawn of creation.'

'Was it true about those rumours?' Jubilee asked. 'Y'know, about you and Death.'

'I cannot confirm nor deny said rumours.' Wade replied as he quickly skirted the issue.

'Geez, talk about one Hell of an age gap!' Angelo winced. 'You actually... did that... with Death?'

'Well, we've kinda got an agreement.' Wade replied. 'She makes sure that I don't die and I won't tell what colour her undies are.'

'Does Death wear panties?' Betsy asked. 'I always figured her to be a commando kind of girl.'

'You gotta keep warm in the Realm of Death, I suppose.' Illyana shrugged.

* * *

**The next morning-**

After their near brush with Death, the gang decided to spend the next day relaxing. Typhoid and Pyro went to visit Matt Murdock to take care of legal matters. Jubilee and Angelo went to visit Logan at Xavier's while Betsy, Wade and Illyana were left alone at HQ.

Illyana was sitting reading a spell book with her feet resting upon a desk while Wade and Betsy were preparing for the next workday. Well, they were supposed to be preparing; Illyana knew that they were most probably making out in the utility closet.

Illyana took a swig form her coffee cup and looked over the edge of her book as somebody breezed into the office.

'Wade, Besty! I need your help!' Meggan Braddock panted as she propped herself up on Illyana's desk.

Illyana rolled her eyes exasperatingly as she put down her book.

'We're closed for the day. If you come back tomorrow, I'm sure we'll get back to you then.' Illyana said, trying to be as civil as possible.

'You don't understand!' Meggan replied, becoming more frantic by the moment. 'It's Baby Betsy, she's been kidnapped! Brian tried looking for her but he's disappeared too!'

As if sensing Meggan's mental anguish, Betsy came rushing out form the utility closet.

'Brian's gone? Any idea who did it?'

'No, that's why I came to you.' Meggan replied. 'Please help him!'

Betsy put her arms around her sister-in-law and comforted her the best she could.

'Don't worry Meggan, we'll find Brain, Baby Betsy too.'

'I just hope he's alright.' Meggan sniffed as she wiped the tears form here eye. 'I don't know what I'd do without him.'

'You want me to call Jubes and the others?' Illyana asked as she picked up the phone.

'No, let them take their time off, this is personal.' Betsy replied. 'The four of us will be able to find Brian and Baby Betsy in no time!'

**TBC...**

* * *

**_Next: Battle of the Braddocks_**

Wade, Betsy, Illyana and Meggan follow the trail of Brian and Baby Betsy's kidnapper.


	26. Battle of the Braddockses: Part 1

**The Uncanny Wade and Betsy**

**Chapter 26: Battle of the Braddockses- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

_**Shout Outs-**_

_**Risty- **The last chapter was just a gratuitous excuse to rip off that bit form _'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.' _Deadpool and Death… They had a thing._

_**Agent-G- **I changed that bit about Guardian, hope it's cool now. _

* * *

**BLEW HQ, Manhattan- **

Wade, Betsy and Illyana were listening to Meggan's story. The blonde metamorph had changed to her more monstrous form; she had green skin, horns and claws on her hands. She always turned that way when she was upset.

'I came home from the shops and Brian and Betsy had disappeared. 'I couldn't sense any of them.'

Meggan then burst into tears.

'I don't know what I'll do without Brian.' She sobbed. 'He's one of the only things that makes my life complete. Please, you have to help me.'

'Don't worry, Meg.' Betsy replied as she put her hand on her sister-in-law's shoulder in comfort. 'We'll get Brian back in no time. All we need to do first is get to Braddock Manor to see if we can find any clues.'

'One stepping disc to Britain coming right up.' Illyana said as she conjured up a stepping disc. 'Next stop, Braddock Manor. Tally-ho, pip-pip!'

With that, the three members of BLEW and the blond metamorph stepped into the disc and disappeared.

**

* * *

Braddock Manor; London, England- **

The gang stepped out of another teleportation disc and found themselves standing outside the Braddock's family home.

'You got anything yet, Cute Buns?' Wade asked as he looked around.

'I'm scanning with my telepathy.' Betsy replied. 'I'm starting to get an impression of a powerful telepathic imprint. There was a struggle.'

'Oh God.' Meggan sobbed as she held her head in her hands.

Wade put his arm around the blonde's shoulders in comfort.

'Brian's still alive, right?' He asked.

'God willing, yes.' Betsy replied. 'The actual kidnapping happened in the study, let's go see if we can find anything more.'

Wade and the others followed without another word, eager to ease Meggan's pain as soon as possible.

**

* * *

Inside Braddock Manor- **

As soon the quartet entered the study, it was obvious that something was up. The huge portal in the middle of the room was a bit of a giveaway.

Betsy groaned and out her hand to her head.

'Nnhnn, I think it's pretty obvious that Brian and Betsy went this way.' She said. 'Somehow, the portal's interfering with my telepathy.'

Meggan started to sway on her feet fortunately; Wade was there to catch her.

'Geez, seems like you're not the only one affected, Cute Buns.' He said as he helped Meggan up.

'We're not going to jump through that thing, are we?' Illyana asked. 'We don't know what's on the other side.'

'As long as Brian and Betsy are in danger, we're going to have to take the risk.' Betsy replied. 'Everybody join hands, we don't want to get separated.'

Wade and the others did as they were told and followed Betsy through the portal.'

**

* * *

Elsewhere- **

Betsy and the others found themselves in a nightmarish forest. The sky was pitch black and the trees reached towards them with skeletal branches.

'And I thought Limbo was creepy.' Illyana said as she looked around. 'This place makes it look like Alice in Wonderland.'

'Man, I hope we don't run into the Cheshire Cat.' Wade replied. 'That guy freaked me out.'

'Join the club.' Betsy added. 'The whole book gave me the wiggins.'

'Betsy, I can't sense them…' Meggan said fearfully. 'I can't sense Brian or Betsy.'

'Oh God.' Betsy gasped as she put her hand to her mouth. 'They're not…?'

'I don't know.' Meggan replied, her eyes starting to well up. 'I can't sense anything, no emotions, nothing.'

Betsy put her hand to her forehead to try for another telepathic scan.

'I can't sense anything either. Something must have shorted out our powers. What about you guys?'

'Just give me a sec.' Illyana replied. 'I'll try and conjure my Soul Sword.'

The blonde sorceress closed her eyes and started to concentrate and a nasty-looking sword soon appeared in her hands. 'I'm cool, Wade?' She asked as she handed the sword to him.

'Oh man, this is gonna suck.' Wada winced as he took the sword form her and cut a small gash in his hand. Fortunately, it soon healed up. 'Well, I can still heal, so I'm as stuck as you guys.'

'That's a puzzler.' Betsy said thoughtfully. 'Wade and Illyana still have their powers but ours have been blocked some how. I can't think why…'

'Perhaps that's because somebody doesn't want you to have your powers!' An evil voice said behind them.

Betsy and Meggan turned around just in time to see a horrific monster standing behind them. It had sickly green skin, a head full of horns, blood red eyes, deadly looking talons and a mouthful of saliva-covered fangs.

'The boss sent me to bring you to pretties to him.' The monster said. 'He's not so fussed about the sorceress and the merc, so I can do whatever I want with you two.'

'Says you Ugly!' Illyana said as she readied her sword for a battle. 'I used to be the ruler of Limbo and let me tell you something, the demons that live there make you look like a fluffy little bunny rabbit.'

'Strong words from the soon-to-be-dead-again sorceress.' The monster chuckled. 'Let's go.'

Illyana let out a cry of rage as she brought her words down onto the monster's head, cleaving it in two.

'Well, that was easy enough.' Wade sniffed.

'Heh, that tickled.' The monster chuckled again as he plucked the Soul Sword form his head and crushed it beneath his hands. 'Bah, nothing more than a matchstick.'

'Good job I can conjure more, huh?' Illyana replied as she set about conjuring up another, even more powerful sword.

'Not so fast, cutie.' The monster said as he grabbed her by the neck. 'You're not gonna get away with that again. I'm gonna snap your neck like a twig. Heh, pretty funny given how you died the last time.'

'No one dies on my watch.' Wade hissed as he plucked something form his waist. 'Chew on this, bucko!' He said a she rammed the grenade down the monster's throat. 'Yanna, down!'

'Don't need to tell me twice.' Illyana replied as she dived for cover with the others just as the monster exploded in a burst of blood and body bits.

'Boy, that's a spicy meatball!' Wade said as he flicked a bit of brain form his shoulder.

'There's no time for jokes, Wade.' Betsy replied. 'We're here to save Brain and Baby Betsy.'

'Says you, sweetness.' A voice boomed above their heads. Betsy and Meggan gasped in horror as they recognised the familiar voice.

'Jamie, why are you doing this?' Meggan asked. 'We never did anything to harm you.'

'Oh shut up you blonde tart.' Jamie Braddock, Betsy and Brian's insane older brother, sneered. 'I'm holding a family get together, what do you think I'm doing?'

Wade looked at the black-haired, goatee-bearded, reality-shaping man with a confused expression.

'Let me guess, this is the nutso older brother that you told me about, right?'

'Oh, I see that the family _favourite_ has been talking about me.' Jamie said. 'Nice to see that she's been doing something other than **_GETTING ME OUT OF THAT DAMNED HOSPITAL! _**I spent years in that place, my hatred for you lot as means of my only way out.'

'Okay, I admit that I'm not exactly the poster boy for sanity but this isn't the way to go. Why don't you calm down and get you back to your cozy little padded cell, okay?'

'You know, I always wondered how much a healing factor could take.' Jamie said thoughtfully. 'Lets' see, shall we?'

Before any of the others could jump to attack, Wade burst into flames and in no time, all that was left to him was a puddle of fatty goo.

'**_Wade, NO!' _**Best screamed. 'You bastard!'

'Oh well, seems like the so-called merc-with-the-mouth wasn't as tough as he was supposed to be, huh?' Jamie chuckled. 'Let's take this inside, shall we?'

The remaining members of BLEW were unable to do anything as Jamie waved his hands and teleported them away.

**TBC…**

_

* * *

**Next: Battle of the Braddockses- Part 2 **_

_It's up to Betsy, Illyana and Meggan to fight the insane Jamie Braddock and rescue Brian and Baby Betsy. But what about Wade? Is he really dead? Could it mean the end of this fic? Oh come on, I think you all know the answer…_


	27. Battle of the Braddockses: Part 2

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 27: Battle of the Braddockses- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Risty- **_Worry ye not, everything will work out in the end, more or less._

**Agent-G- **_Yup, Jamie Braddock has always been a bit of a bugger, the twins (Brian and Betsy) were always that favourites in his family. _

* * *

**Jamie Braddock's imaginary castle fortress-**

Meggan and Betsy found themselves strung up in a murky dungeon beside a battered and bloodied Brian.

'Nice of you ot mount a rescue.' Brian groaned.

'Oh shut up.' Betsy replied. 'I'm trying to think of a plan…'

'W-where's the baby?' Meggan asked. 'Once Jamie teleported us here and strung us up, he just buggered off somewhere.'

'I think I saw him go somewhere with the kid.' Illyana replied. 'He looked unusually happy with her in his arms.'

'I knew I should have kept a closer eye on him.' Brian sighed. 'Jamie's just too unstable to be left alone without supervision.'

'A little late for regrets now, Bri.' Betsy replied.

'A great lot of good Wade was, he got roasted right away.' Brian said.

'It's nothing he hasn't faced before.' Betsy replied in defence of her boyfriend. 'Wade has died before and he always came back then.'

'I just hope your faith in Wade is well put.' Meggan replied. 'Because we're buggered if he doesn't get here soon.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Several miles away from the castle was the pool of goo that used to be Wade Wilson. The goo then started to reform into a humanoid shape, Deadpool was alive again!

'Man, that's something I don't wanna repeat again.' Wade groaned as he bent the kinks out of his neck. Wade then looked down and noticed something…

'Oh crap, I'm naked!'

Unfortunately, due to the fact that his body was completely destroyed, his healing factor was having trouble keeping him together and as such; his skin took on a scabby, scarred look again.

'I don't care if he's my brother-in-law or not, but I'm gonna kick that jerk's ass for this!' Wade growled as he stormed in the direction of the castle.

'But first I have to find me a weapon…'

* * *

**Back at Jamie's fortress-**

Betsy, Brian, Meggan and Illyana were still strung up in the dungeon when they saw the door open as Jamie walked in with an eerily clam Baby Betsy in his arms.

'You monster, what have you done to my daughter?' Brian hissed as he struggled against his chains.

'Oh I wouldn't worry, little brother.' Jamie replied as he planted a kiss on his niece's forehead. 'The brat's fast asleep.'

'Why do you want me here, anyway?' Illyana asked. 'I'm not even related to you but you've still got me stringed up.'

'Well once I've seen to my siblings and in-laws, I thought that I'd leave you for a little fun.' Jamie replied with a lecherous grin. 'I always have a thing for cute Russian sorceresses.'

'You're sick!' Betsy hissed.

'Oh, is that right?' Jamie snorted. 'I'm the sick one yet you lot locked me in an asylum and didn't even bother to visit.'

'You know we tried to visit you.' Meggan replied. 'But Brian and I were busy in Otherworld and Betsy was dead.'

'They're all bloody useless excuses and you know it.' Jamie hissed. 'That's why I'm going to let the brat live once I've killed you lot. I'm gonna make sure that she has loving parents, unlike some people…'

'Oh, so this is what it boils down to.' Brian snorted. 'This is because Mum and Dad loved us more. It wasn't our fault if you were the insane one.'

'That was your fault!' Jamie hissed. 'You got to be bloody ruler of Otherworld and I got locked in a bloody asylum. That powers should be mine, I'm the oldest!'

'You know, for an insane mutant kidnapper, you sure do bitch a lot!'

Jamie spun around just in time to get hit in the face with a rock, causing him to catapult the baby on to a nearby pile of rags.

'Wade!' Betsy gasped. 'You're alive!'

'And you're all scabby.' Illyana winced.

'And semi-naked.' Meggan added as she took in the sight of the now-scarred and rag-clad Deadpool.

'Dammit!' Jamie hissed. 'I knew I should have made sure you were dead!'

'What can I say?' Wade shrugged. 'I got better.'

'I'm gonna tear you apart with my bare hands!'

'Bring it, bitch face!' Wade challenged.

Jamie charged at Wade with a feral yell. Wade was ready for him and threw him against the wall.

'Wade, the baby!' Meggan yelled.

Wade ran to check up on Baby Betsy but Jamie threw a discarded wooden shield at his legs, knocking him down. He then leapt on to Wade's back and began to bash his face against the floor.

'This time I'm gonna make sure you're bloody well dead, you hear me? Dead!'

'Bored now…' Wade sighed as he elbowed Jamie in the gut and kicked him in the face. 'Now why don't you get over this little _Mommie never loved me _thing and give us the kid, okay?'

'Rrraaaaagh!' Jamie screamed as he charged at Wade once more. Wade tried to dodge but Jamie was too fats and knocked them both out of the window.

'Wade, no!' Betsy screamed, fearing that she had lost him once again.

Outside, Wade was barely hanging on to the ledge while Jamie was holding on to his leg.

'Gonna kill you!' Jamie yelled as he yanked on Wade's leg, trying to pull him down.

'It'll take more than a multi-story fall to kill me, buddy.' Wade replied. 'But what about you, can your reality warping powers kick in before you fall to your death?'

Jamie just swore incoherently back at him.

'Let me ask you something Jamie.' Wade said. 'You ever dance with the Devil by the pal moonlight?'

'What the bloody hell are you talking about, you idiot?' Jamie replied.

Wade just kicked Jamie in the face, making him lose his grip.

Jamie fell down to the ground with a scream, trying to hope that his reality warping powers would kick in before he was turned into pavement pizza. Fortunately, his powers kicked in. Unfortunately for Jamie, instead of changing the ground into something soft like rubber or marshmallow, the ground changed into a row of deadly spikes.

Wade winced and turned away as Jamie was impaled on the spikes.

'Man, what a way to go…'

* * *

**Inside- **

Betsy and co gasped in surprise as they saw Wade slowly climb back in through the window.

'That scream…?' Meggan asked.

'Yeah, it was Jamie.' Wade replied as he rubbed his back. 'He's got more perforations than a teabag.'

'I guess there wasn't any other way.' Brian sighed.

'So, you gonna get us out of here or stand around chatting?' Illyana asked.

Wade grabbed Illyana's chains and yanked them off. Illyana then conjured up a Soul Sword and cut the others free.

Meggan ran over to check up on Baby Betsy and found that she was still asleep.

'Hunh, she slept straight through it.' She said.

Betsy then noticed that Wade seemed depressed.

'Sweetie, what's wrong?' Betsy asked as she put her arms around Wade's waist.

Wade pulled away for her touch.

'Don't…' Wade said, hiding his face.

'Wade, I don't care if you're scarred again.' Betsy replied. 'I love you, no matter how you look.'

'But how could you make love to somebody like me?' Wade asked as he indicated his scarred body.

'Wade, please believe me.' Betsy replied as she took hold of his shoulders and turned him to face her. 'I love you…'

Wade looked back in to his girlfriend's and saw utter honesty. A small smile spread on his face as he put his arms around her shoulders.

'Just a little worried, I guess.' Wade said embarrassedly.

'I don't know why you were.' Betsy replied. 'I used to fancy Cyclops, remember?'

'Some women have no taste.' Illyana snorted. 'Now, can we go home now?'

'We're ready.' Meggan replied as she held Baby Betsy close.

Illyana nodded and conjured up a stepping disc home.

* * *

**Several days later- **

Wade, now wearing his old red and black mask, was sitting in his office back at BLEW HQ. He was thinking of changing the name as Jubilee and Angelo had both given in their notice in favour of rejoining the X-Men and Typhoid and Pyro had both moved to Australia. Perhaps he could renew the old Deadpool Inc. thing.

Wade looked up as Betsy poked her head around the door.

'Wade, can you come out here for a sec? Illyana wants to have a word.'

'Sure, just gimmie a sec and I'll be right out.' Wade replied.

Betsy nodded and popped back out.

Wade got up from his desk and made his way out to the reception area. Betsy was standing there with Illyana, who had her hand full with some cases.

'You taking a trip, 'Yana?' Wade asked.

'That's what I wanted to talk to you about.' Illyana replied. 'I hope you don't think I'm deserting you but I'm going to join the X-Men. It's been fun and all but I don't think I really fit in here with you guys.'

'Well we can't force you to stay.' Wade replied. 'We'll miss you.'

'Make sure you call, okay?' Betsy replied as she gave the blonde a quick hug.

'Yeah, I'll give you a call once I get settled in.' Illyana replied as she returned the hug. 'Bye guys!'

Wade and Betsy waved goodbye as Illyana conjured a stepping disc and stepped inside.

'Well, it looks like we'd better get recruiting for some temps.' Wade said.

'And a new name.' Betsy replied. 'We can't call ourselves BLEW Detective Agency when Jubilee and Angelo have gone.'

'What about Deadpool Inc?' Wade asked.

'Don't you bloody well dare!' Betsy hissed as she swatted Wade on the arm.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: A Temp, a Temp, my Kingdom for a Temp**

_Deadpool Inc gets its first lot of temps, Theresa Cassidy (Siryn), Lyja the Skrull, Jocasta, Felicia Hardy (Black Cat) and Maya Lopez (Echo)._


	28. A Temp, a Temp, my Kingdom for a Temp

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 28: A Temp, a Temp, my Kingdom for a Temp**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**TheLegendaryManHimself- **_Yup, you can always bet that a story with Wade in will be full of wackiness. _

**Agent-G- **_Yup, Deadpool Inc. is moving house over to the Baxter Building. Yup, Siryn and Multiple have broken up, I'll go into more detail in Th_e Uncanny Madrox. _Lyja was the Skrull that impersonated Alicia Masters and ended up marrying Johnny Storm. _

**Thanks to- **_Shawn Provoncha_

* * *

**Deadpool Inc. HQ, Manhattan-**

It was a time of change at the headquarters of the detective agency formerly known as BLEW. The agency was now called Deadpool Inc. Betsy wasn't all that happy about the name but seeing that Wade kept on going on about the name, she had to agree with him just to shut him up.

'Now I'm only going to ask you this one last time, okay?' Betsy asked as she put a cardboard box down on to her desk. 'Are you sure we have everything packed up?'

'Yes, everything is all packed up ready for the move, Cute Buns.' Wade replied. 'C'mon, give me a break here I'm not that forgetful. I might be… I forget.'

Betsy just rolled her eyes and carried her box into the waiting car.

'Pity Brian and Meggan couldn't help us.' Wade said as he followed Betsy outside. 'Where did you say they were again?'

'I didn't.' Betsy replied. 'I tried phoning them but all I got was their answer-phone.' **(1)**

'Buncha slackers.' Wade muttered as he dumped a box haphazardly into the trunk.

'Watch it!' Betsy hissed. 'That box has got all the glassware in!'

'Oh God, my novelty JD bottle!' Wade gasped a she began to rifle through the box. 'Please be in one piece!'

Wade sighed in relief as he found his novelty JD bottle in the shape of the Thing in one piece.

'Oh thank God you're alive!' Wade sighed. 'Daddy promises that he'll never be mean to you again. Never ever, ever!'

Betsy shook her head at the sight of her boyfriend hugging a JD bottle and went back inside to get more boxes.

**

* * *

The Baxter Building, later-**

Wade and Betsy had moved their stuff into the new office and without too much trouble and were taking a break.

'Man, I never knew we had so much junk.' Wade said as he sipped his coffee.

'It would help if you threw some of it out.' Betsy replied.

'Hey, you can never have too many… Stark Enterprises complimentary shoehorns if you ask me.' Wade replied as he picked one of them up and placed it in the back of his shoe. 'See? Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on…'

Betsy tried to tune out Wade's blathering as she started to unpack the rest of her stuff.

'Knock, knock. Is it alright to come in?'

Betsy looked up as Susan Storm poker her head around the door.

'Oh hello Susan, come right in.' Betsy replied. 'I would offer you coffee but… I can't find the pot. We got these form the Starbuck's down the street.'

'That's alright, thank you Betsy.' Sue replied. 'I can't stay all that long. Umm, is he alright?'

Betsy looked at Wade, who was still entertaining himself with the shoehorn.

'Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on…'

'Don't mind him.' Betsy said. 'He recently had a nasty blow to the back of the head?'

'Really?' Sue asked. 'How did that happen?'

Betsy picked up a book and flung a book at wade, hitting him upside the head.

'That.' She said.

'Right…' Sue said. 'Any way, I came here to welcome you both to the Baxter Building. The rent is due on the third of every month and the tenants have a meeting on the fifteenth of every month.'

'Well thanks for that Sue.' Betsy said as she shook the Invisible Woman's hand. 'We've already got a job sorted **(2) **so we'll get you the rent ASAP, okay?'

'Whenever you're ready.' Sue replied. 'I'd better get back, Johnny's been at the Pixie Sticks again.'

'The Human Torch on a sugar high.' Betsy chuckled. 'Now there's a scary sight.'

'You have no idea.' Sue replied.

**

* * *

Several days later-**

The office was fully decorated now and Wade and Betsy were just waiting for their temps to arrive for an interview.

'Who's first on the list, Cute Buns?' Wade asked.

'Laura Greene.' Betsy replied. 'Says here she's from Queens and used to do temp work for Stark Enterprises.'

'Nice.' Wade nodded.

The two waited for their first temp to enter. A slim redheaded woman wearing a simple white blouse and grey business suit walked into the room.

'Hello, I'm Laura, I'm here for the temp interview?'

'Sure, take a seat Laura.' Betsy replied.

Laura did as she was told and sat opposite Betsy's desk.

'Your resume is pretty impressive.' Betsy said as she flicked through it. 'You worked for Stark Enterprises, the Daily Bugle and SHIELD. Don't take this the wrong way or anything but, why apply for temp work here? It's a significant step down from working for SHIELD.'

'I didn't feel like I was being treated as an equal when I was working at any of those places.' Laura replied. 'I know we're supposed to be living in more liberated times but there are still sexist pigs out there.'

'Right on sister!' Wade said, giving Laura two thumbs up.

'Well, here in Deadpool Inc., you'll hopefully be doing all the usual temp things, filing, typing reports, and so on. Nothing too strenuous. You will however occasionally be called on to do field work. Is that alright with you?'

'A job's a job as far as I'm concerned.' Laura replied. 'I have to earn money somehow.'

'Well I guess that the only thing left to do is welcome you to Deadpool Inc.' Betsy grinned as she shook Laura's hand. 'We'll contact you with the details, okay?'

'Thank you very much.' Laura grinned. 'You shan't regret this.'

Wade and Betsy bade Laura farewell and waited for their next temp.

* * *

**Later-**

Wade and Betsy were interviewing another temp. This time it was a hot-looking woman with white-blonde hair.

'So Ms Hardy, it says here that you used to own your own detective agency.' Betsy said. 'Tell me about that…'

'Nothing really went on all that much. Just a few minor jobs, missing spouses and whatnot.' Felicia Hardy replied. 'In the end I had to close the place down due to lack of work.'

'Yeah, work sucks…' Wade mumbled, too occupied with staring at Ms Hardy's cleavage.

Betsy elbowed him in the gut and he snapped out of it.

'I-I mean lack of work sucks. Yeah, that…'

'Please excuse my partner.' Betsy said. 'He recently had a rather nasty blow to the back of the head.'

'That's alright.' Felicia replied. 'I get that a lot from guys. You wear a slinky fur-lined leather catsuit and they drool all over you.'

'Excuse me?' Betsy asked.

Felicia's eyes darted about as she tried to search for an answer.

'Umm, last Halloween. I dressed in a leather catsuit and loads of guys started to drool over me.'

'I see…' Betsy replied sceptically. 'Okay, thanks for coming Ms Hardy, welcome to Deadpool Inc.'

'Wow, was that it?' Felicia asked. 'No going through my criminal record? Not that I have one…'

'I somehow think that anything you did would be as bad as what I used to do.' Wade replied. 'Hello? Merc-with-the-mouth here!'

'We'll get in contact with you once we've settled in, okay?' Betsy asked.

'Okay, be seeing you.' Felicia nodded.

Wade picked up the list of prospective temps to see who was next. His eyes widened as he saw who it was.

'Man, what are the chances?'

Betsy peered over at the list.

'Theresa Cassidy.' She read. 'Doesn't she work for the Paris branch of X-Corp?'

'I guess she quit.' Wade shrugged. 'Who in their right mind would want to live in France?'

'The French?' Betsy replied.

'Buncha cheese-eating-surrender-monkeys if you ask me.' Wade sniffed.

'Preaching to the choir.' Betsy replied. 'I'm English, we're expected to hate the French.'

'What do you say we bring her in?' Wade asked. 'Might as well get down to why she quit X-Corp.'

'_Terry, you can come in now.' _Betsy said, via her telepathy.

The mutant known as Siryn walked into the room and held up her hand in greeting.

'I just thought that I'd come here an' see if ye kept yuirself out o' trouble Wilson.' The redhead said.

'That's the old me, Terry.' Wade replied. 'The new me is a good boy.'

'And I'm glad that ye believe that.' Terry snorted.

'Not that we're not glad to see you or anything.' Betsy said. 'But what happened to your cushy job in Paris? What happened to you and Madrox?'

'Umm, that's kind of a touchy subject.' Terry replied. 'Jamie and I arenae taegether any more. Jamie wanted tae commit but I jus' wasnae ready f'r that yet.'

'Hunh, it's usually the guy that freaks out at the thought of commitment.' Wade snorted.

Betsy just ignored Wade's comments and carried on chatting to Terry.

'I'm afraid that if you're looking for work, we've already filled out most of our positions.'

Terry's face fell at that, ever since she and Jamie broke up she had been at a loss for anything to do; she was hoping that Wade could help her.

'Now that Skin's gone back to the X-Men with Jubilee we still need somebody to get the coffee.' Wade said.

Betsy shot him with a glare.

'You have got somewhere to stay, haven't you?' She asked.

'Aye, a wee apartment not tae far from here.' Terry replied.

'We've got a spare room, any time you wanna crash, don't hesitate to ask, 'kay?'

Betsy didn't like what Wade was insinuating.

'_I hope you're not planning on there being any chances of a threesome.'_ Betsy said telepathically.

'_Oh please.' _Wade replied. _'I am so over Terry.'_

'_You damn well better be.' _Betsy glared.

'We'll call you with the details, 'kay Terry?' Wade said.

'D'ye mean that I'm in?' Terry replied. 'Jus' like that?'

'Meh, not many peopl've turned up.' Wade shrugged. 'We need all the temps we get.'

'That's real grand o' ye.' Terry grinned as she gave Wade a big hug. 'Ye wilnae regret this.'

'_Methinks I won't…'_ Wade thought to himself.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The Return of Strip Twister… Or Not**

_To celebrate the grand re-opening of their detective agency, Wade and Betsy take Felicia, Terry and Laura out for a getting-to-know-you drink. Once there, they find out that somebody may not be who them seem…_

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_For the whereabouts of Meggan and Brian, check out _Uncanny Excalibur.

**(2)- **_See _The Uncanny Spider-Man _for details._


	29. The Return of Strip Twister, Or Not

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 29: The Return of Strip Twister… Or Not**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Agent-G- **_Don't worry, there will be many more chances for Wade and co to meet the FF._

**Thanks to- **_Shawn Provoncha._

* * *

**The Baxter Building-**

It was nearing eight o'clock in the evening when Betsy stepped out of the shower and pulled on a fluffy blue bathrobe. She then stepped up to the mirror and began to brush her teeth. Tonight was a special night; to celebrate the grand re-opening of Deadpool Inc., Betsy and Wade were taking their new staff out for a night on the town. Even though Betsy knew that the days of wade lusting over Theresa were over, she made a note to keep an eye out just in case he got any untoward thoughts.

Betsy spat the remainders of her toothpaste into the sink and went out to get dressed. On the way to the bedroom, she was almost knocked over by a desperate Wade racing towards the bathroom.

'Outta my way!' The former mercenary ordered. 'I've gotta pee…'

Betsy just rolled her eyes as she stepped into her bedroom. Even through the bedroom door she could hear Wade's relieved groan.

'Oh yeah, that's the stuff…'

* * *

**Later-**

Betsy and Wade were fully dressed and were waiting for Theresa, Felicia and Laura.

Betsy was wearing a black vest top with a cartoon ninja on the front with a matching skirt and shoes. Wade meanwhile, was just dressed in a plain black shirt and pants.

'You guys ready to party?' Felicia asked as she walked up with Theresa and Laura in tow.

'Ready and raring, baby!' Wade grinned as he slipped an arm around her. 'I hope you guys are up for a game of Strip twister.'

'Strip Twister?' Theresa asked incredulously. 'Ye cannae be serious Wade!'

'I'm afraid he is, Terry.' Betsy sighed. 'Wade's got this kind of tradition that whenever we go out with work colleagues, we always have to play Strip Twister.'

'How do you ever play that?' Laura asked. 'I've know how to play regular Twister but Strip Twister?'

'It's easy.' Wade said, looking at Laura as if she had sprouted another head. 'You lose an item of clothing whenever you fall down.'

'Won't things… get in the way?' Laura asked.

'What if somebody, i.e. you, gets… excited?' Felicia asked. 'That won't be very comfortable for us.'

'Therein lies the fun.' Wade said, a cheeky smile spreading under his mask. 'Well, fun for me anyway…'

'Ye didnae really play that with him, did ye?' Terry asked.

'It's all true.' Betsy sighed. 'Just ask Jubilee or Skin if you want proof.'

'They were in on it too?' Terry gasped. 'How did ye convince 'em?'

'Well we were drunk.' Wade replied. 'I get very weak-minded when I'm drunk. I take orders from anybody.'

'Just shut up, Wade.' Betsy groaned.

'Yes dear…'

* * *

**Later still-**

The quintet soon reached a bar and sauntered inside. It was one of those mutant-friendly places where mutants and flat-scans could hang out in peace. Not seeing anybody familiar, Wade headed straight to the bar.

'Wow, the guy sure knows his priorities.' Felicia snickered.

'I'm gonna grab a table, you girls want to join me?' Betsy asked.

'I'm gonna see if I can find any decent man-flesh.' Felicia replied as she slunk off.

'Might as well get them in.' Terry said as she followed Betsy to a table.

'I could do with a drink.' Laura added.

Betsy found a vacant table and led Terry and Laura over. Once everybody sat down the small talk began.

'You and Wade seem pretty cosy.' Terry said. 'Doesn't he annoy you?'

'Sometimes.' Betsy replied honestly. 'But then again, Wade is a surprisingly attentive lover. He knows the perfect way to make me…'

'Okay, too much information!' Terry winced. 'I didnae ask for yuir bloody life story!'

Further embarrassment was prevented as Wade walked up with the drinks.

'I bring alcoholic goodness!' Wade grinned. 'Drink up ladies!'

There was a small stampede as the trio of women leapt onto the unguarded booze. Wade merely managed to escape unscathed as he ducked under the table. Once he peeked back over the table, he saw that all the drinks had been consumed and the three women just sat back with satisfied looks on their faces.

'Aww man, now I'll have to get more.' Wade groaned.

'Well don't stand there, Wade.' Betsy replied. 'Get your arse into gear and buy more booze.'

Wade opened his mouth to retort but thought better of it and slunk back to the bar.

'Wow Betsy, you sure have Wade trained well.' Laura nodded in appreciation.

'It's nothing really.' Betsy replied. 'All I do is threaten to hit him over the head with a rolled up newspaper.'

'You treat your boyfriend like a pet dog?' Laura asked, unsure whether Betsy was joking or not.

'Wade acts like a dog sometimes too.' Betsy replied. 'Sometimes he even gets excited and pisses on the floor.'

Laura and Terry just looked at the purple-haired telepath aghast.

'Kidding!' Betsy laughed. 'God, you should've seen your faces. Priceless. Ha!'

* * *

**Several hours and several more drinkie-poos later-**

Wade watched in horror as the four women all linked arms and swayed about, singing raucously.

'There's no place like home, there's no place like home…' Wade groaned into his hands.

'Why so glum, chum?' Betsy slurred drunkenly. 'W-we're jus' havin' a li'l bit o' fun…'

'Betsy, you're making a scene…' Wade hissed.

'Oh bugger of you… bugger.' Betsy snorted. 'You're no fun.'

Wade just banged his head on the table and wished he were somewhere else.

Fortunately for him, the four women soon grew tired of that and slumped back in their seats.

'Y'know, I-I haven't had this much fun since I teamed-up with Spider-Man.' Felicia said.

'Y-you teamed up wi' Spider-Man?' Terry asked. 'Thas' s cool, so did I!'

Felicia squealed in glee and grabbed Terry in a hug.

'We can be team-up buddies!' Felicia squealed.

'How did you get to know Spider-Man, anyway?' Betsy asked.

Felicia put a hand to her mouth in embarrassment.

'Eep, I've said too much…'

'Yeah, yeah, you're the Black Cat.' Wade sighed. 'Big deal, we read your file.'

'Oh, that's… disappointing.' Felicia said. 'I was expecting a whole thing.'

'A thing?' Terry asked.

'Aww, whadda ya expect?' Felicia muttered. 'I'm drunk!'

'Well if we're going to be telling tales, I might as well tell you something…' Laura said.

Wade, Betsy and the others watched as Laura's skin began to turn green, and her ears began to become pointed.

'Huh, look at that.' Wade said nonchalantly. 'She's a Skrull.'

'You're not freaked out?' 'Laura' asked. 'But I'm a Skrull.'

'And we should care because…?' Betsy replied. 'I used to be a trained ninja assassin for God's sake.'

'Mercenary.' Wade shrugged.

'Cat-burglar.' Felicia added.

'Ex-terrorist.' Terry said. 'Just ask m' wacky uncle f'r that. Well, ye could if he wasnae turned intae mush…'

'Well that was… easy.' The Skrull formerly known as Laura said. 'My real name's Lyja by the way.'

'Nice to meet you, Lyja.' Betsy replied. 'Now, excuse me while I'm violently sick.'

Everybody leapt back as Betsy put her hand to her mouth and raced towards the ladies' room.

'Man, she really can't hold her booze.' Wade sighed. 'Pff, lightweight.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Crisis of Infinite Deadpools**

_Deadpool Inc. is dragged into a conflict of infinite scale as alternate versions of Wade flood their reality. Introducing, Hellpool, Superpool, Batpool, Spider-Pool, Ninja Wade, Jedi Wade and the big bad, Dark Phoenix 'Pool!_


	30. Third Time Lucky

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 30: Third Time Lucky**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Notes- **_Due to the extreme crappiness of the _'Crisis of Infinite Deadpools'_ idea, I have foregone writing that and decided to have Wade and co. do some actual work. Enjoy!_

* * *

**The offices of Deadpool Inc., the Baxter Building-**

Wade and Betsy were hard at work in the offices of the Deadpool Inc. detective agency. They were presently attending to a client, a woman that believed that her husband had been kidnapped. Betsy was comforting the woman while Wade took notes.

'Okay Mrs Thomas, you think that your husband was kidnapped by the Hellfire Club?' Betsy asked. 'What makes you think that?'

'Well he works as an accountant, you see.' Mrs Thomas said. 'And one of his clients works at the Hellfire Club. He never told me the client's name though. Professional courtesy or something. John never did anything wrong in his life before, I don't even know why the Hellfire Club would want to kidnap him, he only stole a small amount of money.'

'Just how much is a small amount?' Betsy asked.

'Fifteen thousand…' Mrs Thomas replied. 'W-we needed the money. Our son, Billy, has leukaemia. We needed the money to pay the medical bills.'

'Now isn't the time to debate the moral implications of stealing, from the Hellfire Club or otherwise, so we'll get right on to your case.' Betsy nodded. 'You go somewhere safe and we'll get back to you when we find your husband, okay?'

'Thank you.' Mrs Thomas nodded. 'You're a life-saver.'

'Literally.' Wade added.

Mrs Thomas made her leave and Wade and Betsy made preparations to go to work.

'I'll get the car warmed up while you round up Terry and the others, okay Cute Buns?' Wade asked as he pulled on his mask and removed his guns and swords from the weapon cabinet behind his desk.

'Yes master.' Betsy teased, a cheeky smile spreading on her lips.

**

* * *

Josie's Bar and Grill-**

Wade and Betsy were now joined by Theresa Cassidy, Felicia Hardy and Lyja the Skrull, aka Siryn, Black Cat and Lyja the Lazerfist.

The Deadpool Inc. team had ventured into the bar to gather information about the possible whereabouts of John Thomas. Unfortunately, Wade's definition of _'gathering information'_ was _'beat up the Stoolie until he squeals like a girlie-man._' And they were his own words.

Presently, Wade was holding an off-duty Hellfire Guard down on a pool table while he stuck a pool cue up said scumbag's nose.

'Now, will I have to ask again about John Thomas' whereabouts or will Mr Pool Cue have to get even _more_ familiar with Mrs Nasal Cavity?'

'Go spit!' The guard hissed. 'I ain't tellin' ya nothin'!'

'I was hoping you would say that.' Wade said, grinning evilly under his mask.

The guard screamed in pain as Wade slowly, but surely, poked the pool cue further up his nose.

'Ahh! Ahh! He's in the Bronx!' The guard yelled. 'In an old warehouse that the club uses for executions. Please, no more.'

Wade pulled the pool cue form the guard's nose with a pop.

'Okay, thank you very much for your cooperation.' He said graciously. 'As a reward, you may choose from any of these fine prizes…'

Wade stepped beck and indicated Betsy and the others.

'You can chose from Ms Betsy and her psychic knife jammed into your hypothalamus…'

Betsy's fist took on a purple hue as she manifested her psychic knife.

'Or. If that isn't your thing, you can chose Ms Theresa bursting your eardrums with her sonic scream, Ms Lyja and… whatever the Skrulls do to torture their victims. No doubt it'll be painful and slow. Or Ms Felicia and her nice and pointy claw thingies…'

'Meow!' Felicia said, giving the guard a little wave.

'Or, you may want to skip all that and go for the contents of this very box…'

Wade held up a delicately wrapped box in one hand.

'The box!' The guard replied. 'The box!'

'Good choice.' Wade grinned, as he opened up the box. 'Say hello to Mr Fist!'

The guard let out a grunt as Wade slugged him right in the face.

'Was there really any need for that?' Betsy asked as she prodded the unconscious guard with her foot. 'He didn't even specify which warehouse Mr Thomas was being held in.'

'Aww dammit!' Wade hissed, kicked the unconscious guard. 'These Hellfire types are too soft. They break too easily. Pansies.'

* * *

**The Bronx-**

The Deadmobile, containing our heroes, pulled up a block or two away from the warehouse where the Hellfire Club were keeping Mr Thomas.

'Anything in the ol' Spider-Sense, Cute Buns?' Wade asked.

'If you mean whether the Hellfire Club are aware of our arrival… they're not.' Betsy replied.

'Okay then, let's go kick some ass!' Wade said, clapping his hands together.

Betsy and the others followed Wade as he carefully snuck towards the back of the warehouse.

Upon reaching a satisfactory was away, Wade motioned for everybody to stop.

'There's two guards at the back door.' Wade said. 'We'll need a distraction.'

'One distractions, coming right up.' Lyja said as she changed her shape into that of the Hulk.

Wade and the others waited for Lyja to do her thing.

'_Raaagh! Lyja smash!' _Lyja roared as she attacked the guards, tossing them around like they were nothing. Once she was sure the guards were down, Lyja changed back into her usual Skrull form and signalled the others to walk up.

'Nice work, Lyja.' Wade nodded. 'Now to go rescue our big wad of cash.'

'Ahem…' Betsy warned.

'Sorry, let's go rescue our _client_.' Wade corrected himself.

* * *

**Inside- **

John Thomas, accountant to the Hellfire Club, was in a pretty bad shape. He was strung up against the wall, hanging there like a side of beef on display in a butcher's window. His shirt was torn and bloodied and his face was full of bruises. His right eye was so swollen up that he could hardly see out of it. Several Hellfire Guards were stood around him, making sure that nobody was stupid enough to try and rescue him, while there boss was answering the call of nature.

'Man, that was the best crap ever…' Sabretooth, White Bishop of the new Hellfire Club, sniffed as he lit up a cigar. 'Now, where were we? Oh yeah, torture…'

Sabretooth perused the various torture instruments laid out before him.

'So many ways to choose and so little time.' Sabretooth said as he tapped his chin in thought. 'We've already had blunt and cold… How about pointy?'

Sabretooth picked up a nasty-looking dagger and turned it around in his hands.

'Nah, I'll leave the best til last. Why don't we try hot? Now, where did I put that blowtorch…?'

'Looking for something, bub?'

Sabretooth spun around at the sound of the voice.

'What the flamin'…?'

'What, no hug for an old buddy?' Deadpool asked as he walked out of the shadows. 'C'mon Vic, not even for old times?'

'I heard you reformed, 'Pool.' Sabretooth snarled. 'Not that it's gonna last though. Yer come here all alone. Christ, talk about stupid.'

'Oh, but I'm not alone…' Wade said as he held out his hands. 'Victor Creed, meet the family.'

Betsy, Felicia, Terry and Lyja all stepped out of the shadows and joined Wade.

'And yer brought a gang o' frails ter back ya up. Don't make ya any less of a pansy.' Sabretooth sniffed as he turned to the Hellfire Guards. 'Kill 'em. A lot.'

The Hellfire Guards obeyed and opened fire on Wade and co.

'I got dibs on the merc!' Sabretooth shouted over the gunfire. 'He's mine!'

'Nice to know you're wanted.' Wade sniffed as he somersaulted away form the hail of bullets. 'Even if it is by a guy that got beat by a buncha girls. **(1)**

'I am so sick of people goin' on about those frickin' girls!' Sabretooth snarled. 'The next one that mentions that gets their throat ripped out.'

'Well it looks tae me that yuir goin' tae get yuir butt kick by another bunch o' lasses.' Terry replied as she took to the air and knocked down some guards with her sonic scream. 'Jus' give yuirself up Creed, if ye cannae even defeat a bunch o' trainee X-Women, what chance d'ye have against us?'

'I'll rip ya frickin' heart out!' Sabretooth roared as he leapt at the Irish mutant.

'Oh no, that just won't do.' Felicia tutted as she leapt onto Sabretooth's back. 'Didn't your mother ever tell you not to hit a lady? Or perhaps it was your sister. You can never tell with inbred freaks like you.'

Sabretooth roared once more and threw Felicia from his back, smashing her against a crate.

'Yer gonna die slow, frail.' He said, slowly advancing on her. 'And I'm gonna enjoy it!'

'Not on my watch!'

Creed spun around just in time to have a chain hit him in the face. He roared in pain as his nose split, spraying blood down his face.

'Now I could get used to this.' Lyja grinned as she spun the chain around her head. 'Ghost Rider isn't the only one that has kickass chain skills!'

'Where did you learn that?' Felicia asked, picking up a gun that one of the guards had dropped.

'Pit fighting on the Shi'Ar homeworld.' Lyja replied simply. 'You're talking to the five time, five time, five time, five time, _five time_ **(2)** women's pit-fighting champion!'

'And surprise, she's a wrestling fan.' Felicia muttered as she brought the butt of the gun down onto Sabretooth's back.

Funnily enough, Lyja wasn't the only superhero well known for their love of wrestling. Cleveland's own Kid Razor was a big wrestling fan too. He had even modelled his uniform on that of Shawn Michaels and the Ultimate Warrior.

'Nice try, frail.' Sabretooth growled. 'But one little ol' gun ain't gonna stop me.'

'How about this then?' Wade yelled.

_BLAM!_

Sabretooth roared in pain as he felt a shotgun shell explode in his back.

'Oh yeah, who's your Daddy?' Wade grinned. 'Or in your case, brother.'

'Enough with the frickin' hick jokes already!' Sabretooth snarled as he spun to face Wade. 'I'm gonna rip out your ribcage and use it as a hat!'

'Gotta catch me first.' Wade replied as he pointed the shotgun in Sabretooth's face. 'Go on Creed, make my day. You know you wanna…'

Sabretooth roared in anger and swatted the shotgun out of Wade's hands.

'Your ass in **mine!**' He snarled.

'Y'know, I always had you for that kind of a guy.' Wade said. 'You're so macho and butch. You know what people say against overly masculine men, right?'

'Shred ya!' Sabretooth roared as he slashed Wade's face.

'Oh, struck a nerve I see.' Wade chuckled. 'I got a whole list of these. How about I start ribbing you on your choice of underwear? I hear pink thongs are fashionable nowadays.'

Sabretooth threw Wade to the ground and began to throttle him.

'I'm gonna rip out ya lungs and us 'em as bagpipes! Use ya balls as earrings. Ya spine as a back-scratcher!'

Wade just yawned in reply.

'Bored now…' He sighed. 'Oh, and Creed, you're flying low.'

'What?' Sabretooth asked as he looked down at his fly.

'Psyche!' Deadpool grinned as he grabbed his shotgun. 'As a wise man once said, Bang, you dead…'

_BLAM!_

Sabretooth screamed in pain as Wade shot him point-blank in the groin.

'Now Cute Buns, now!' Wade yelled as he rolled out of Sabretooth's way.

On a gantry above their heads, Betsy nodded in reply and pressed a button that released a giant steel freight carrier, the kind that's used to carry cars. The freight carrier fell to the ground with a colossal boom, crushing Sabretooth underneath.

'Oh yeah, just like _Lethal Weapon!_' Felicia grinned.

'_Lethal Weapon 2_, actually.' Betsy replied as she climbed down from the gantry.

'Well let's get Mr Thomas out of here before our gracious host finds his way out from under that container.' Wade said.

'D'ye think he survived that?' Terry asked.

'Well if Wolverine can survive getting run over by a steamroller **(3)**, then yes.' Betsy replied.

Wade stepped up and untied Mr Thomas from his bonds.

'It's okay now Mr Thomas, you're safe. Sabretooth won't be bothering you for quite a while.'

'Who are you people?' Mr Thomas asked weakly.

'Deadpool Inc.' Wade replied simply. 'We help the helpless.' **(4)**

'You are so going to get sued for that.' Felicia teased.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Mercs, Multiples and Magic, Oh My!**

_Loki, the Norse God of Mischief, sets Deadpool Inc, XXX Detective Agency and the Marvel Knights against each other in a global search for a mystical MacGuffin. As you do. Guest starring: Madrox the Multiple Man, Marrow, Strong Guy, Typhoid Mary, Pyro, Cloak and Dagger, Jennifer Cale and Satana._

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_As seen in_ 'The Uncanny Sirens.'

**(2)- **_All wrestling fans should know this. Booker-T is five time, five time, five time, five time, five time WCW Champion._

**(3)- **_As seen in the pages of_ 'The Punisher.'

**(4)- **_This is Angel Investigation's kind-of motto. By Angel, I mean the vampire with a soul, not Mr Worthington._

_Also, for those of you that don't know, the title refers to how many times Betsy has met and fought Sabretooth. The first time was during the Morlock Massacre and the secind time was when Sabretooth was staying at the X-Mansion after Wolveirne jammed his claws through Creed's brian. Sabretooth of course, escaped and almost killed Betsy in his rampage. Hence the title, third time lucky._


	31. Mercs, Multiples and Magic, Oh My!: Part...

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 31: Mercs, Multiples and Magic, Oh My!- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Agent-G- **_Yeah, I thought the _'Crisis of Infinite Deadpools'_ idea sucked too. It really wasn't one of my bets efforts. I haven't finished making fun of Creed and what happened to him in 'Uncanny Sirens' he's still got quite a bit of mocking to come. I seemed to be writing about almost all of the Marvel big bads apart from the ol' God of Mischief so I decided I'd have a go at having him pop up. If it's more Loki you want, watch out for an appearance from him in '_Uncanny Young Avengers.'

**Thanks to- **_Shawn Provoncha._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butts smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.'- _**Moe Szyslak (The Simpsons)**

* * *

**Deadpool Inc. HQ, the Baxter Building-**

It was business as usual for Deadpool Inc., as Betsy sat down with their latest client. Lawrence Keyes was a collector of rare antiquities and he wanted to employ Deadpool Inc. to find one such piece for him.

'I must admit that treasure hunting isn't really our forte.' Betsy said. 'But seeing that most of the cases we have are lost persons, we'd be happy to find this piece for you.'

'Thank you, Ms Braddock.' Mr Keyes nodded. 'Freya's Girdle is a wondrous piece. My collection would not be complete without it.'

'Do you have any identification for the item?' Betsy asked. 'We wouldn't want to nab the wrong piece.'

'I have a photograph if that helps.' Mr Keyes replied as he handed Betsy a picture of Freya's Girdle. It was a golden chest plate with lighting strikes carved in to it.

'Hmm, pretty piece of armour.' Wade said as he looked over Betsy's shoulder. 'You going to war or something?'

'I have a special fondness for Norse armour.' Mr Keyes replied. 'And Freya's Girdle is one such piece. It is so magnificent.'

'We'll get right in to the job, Mr Keyes.' Betsy nodded. 'We'll let you know about payment once we find the item.'

'You have my utmost gratitude's, Ms Braddock.' Mr Keyes said thankfully. 'Farewell for now…'

'Seeya.' Wade replied, giving Mr Keyes a jaunty salute. 'Nice guy, if a little old-fashioned. Who really says _farewell_ nowadays?'

'It really isn't our place to nitpick, darling.' Betsy replied as she pulled open the closet where her 'work clothes' were kept. 'Just as long as we get paid, I'm willing to look past Mr Keyes' outdated way of talking.'

* * *

**XXX Agency, Mutant Town-**

It was business as usual for the XXX Agency as Jamie Madrox talked to their latest client. Lorne Keane was a collector of rare antiquities and he wanted to employ XXX in finding a certain item for him.

'Treasure huntin' is kinda out of our usual work, ain't it Jamie?' Sarah asked. 'We usually end up lookin' in to kidnapping cases or busting up drug rings.'

'Any work is good work, babe.' Jamie replied. 'So what's so special about this _Freya's Girdle_ thingie?'

'It has long thought to be a myth.' Mr Keane replied. 'But I have just learnt that it is in fact real. It is located somewhere in Sweden.'

'So we're talkin' warm clothes then.' Guido added. 'Woolly sweaters and junk.'

'Unless we end up in one of those sauna dealies.' Sarah replied. 'With two hot Swedish guys called Sven and Olaf. Yum.'

'So, Mr Keane, have you got a photo of this Girdle thing?' Jamie asked. 'Just so we know what we're looking for.'

Mr Keane nodded in reply and pulled out a photo of a golden chest plate with a lightning strike motif.

'Ooh, shiny.' Sarah nodded. 'You goin' to war or somethin'?'

'It is just a piece that I would very much like to have.' Mr Keane replied. 'Just think about it, a legendary piece of Norse armour, formerly thought to be a myth. The mere thought makes me shudder in anticipation.'

'We'll get right on to this, Mr Keane.' Jamie said. 'We'll let you know about payment once we find it.'

'You have my sincerest gratitude.' Mr Keane nodded. 'I will forever be in your debt.'

'Uhh… sure.' Jamie replied. 'Seeya round, 'kay?'

* * *

**Marvel Knights Agency, Hell's Kitchen- **

It was business as usual for the Marvel Knights as Typhoid Mary talked to their latest client. Lonnie Kee was a collector of rare antiquities (starting to see a pattern here…) and he wanted to employ the Marvel Knights to find Freya's Girdle, yadda, yadda…

'Good job you came to us, Mr Kee.' Typhoid said. 'We just happen to have two of the utmost experts on magical doohickeys employed in this agency. Well y'know, people that aren't Dr Strange…'

'You have my utmost gratitude for accepting this assignment.' Mr Kee said gratefully. 'Freya's Girdle would look fabulous in my trophy cabinet.'

'There's just one thing, mate.' Pyro said. 'We won't have to break any rules to find this Girdle, will we? It's just that Typh an' me kinda have histories…'

'I was a schizo assassin and Johnny was a mutant terrorist.' Typhoid added. 'But we're good now.'

'You will not have to steal the Girdle, if that is what you mean.' Mr Kee said. 'It is hidden somewhere in Sweden. I have a photograph if you need it.'

'No need.' Satana, the redheaded succubus and daughter of Satan, replied. 'I know what it looks like. I saw it in one of Jenny's books when I was flicking through for pictures of naked guys.'

'Well you're not going to find any pictures of naked guys in a book about mystical Norse artefacts.' Jennifer Cale, blonde sorceress extraordinaire and former protégée of Dr Strange replied. 'Those kinds of books are in my private stash.'

'We'll get right on to the job, Mr Kee.' Typhoid said. 'Just let us round up Cloak and Dagger and we'll be on our way.'

'We'll let you know when we find the Girdle, 'kay?' Pyro added.

'Once again, I am indebted to you.' Mr Kee said. 'Farewell.'

The Marvel Knights gave their respective goodbyes as Mr Kee left their building.

Upon exiting the building, Mr Kee revealed his true form: Loki, the Norse God of Mischief!

'My plan hast been set in motion.' Loki chuckled to himself. 'Three teams of heroes racing to find the same item? One that does not even exist? _Ha!_ Yon heroes wilt not know what didst hit them.'

Loki continued to chuckle to himself as he faded away. Messing around with the three teams could wait for a moment; he had to see a young woman in California…

'_It hast been such a long time since I didst last see you Jessie.'_ Loki's disembodied voice said_. 'Thou art ignorant of thy true lineage. Thou hast the blood of Gods coursing through thy veins and it ist time for thy real father to show you the full benefits of thy powers…'_

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Mercs, Multiples and Magic, Oh My!**

_Deadpool Inc., XXX and the Marvel Knights face off in Sweden. Trolls, wolves and frost giants galore. 'Nuff said._

_For Loki's adventures in California, check out future chapters of _'Uncanny Young Avengers.'


	32. Mercs, Multiples and Magic, Oh My!: Part...

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 32: Mercs. Multiples and Magic, Oh My!- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Mimato-4eva- **_Yay! My 100th review! Thanks darlin'. I would reward you but the money would have got stuck in the disc drive. Thanks for all the reviews by the way. This story now has the most reviews I have ever had. _

**GothikStrawberry- **_Yup, everybody is after the girdle. It's all part of Loki's cunning plan. _

**Agent-G- **_Since when is Loki not up to no good? Heh._

**Thanks to- **_Shawn Provoncha._

* * *

**Somewhere in Sweden- **

There was a flash of light and our heroes appeared in the snowfields of Sweden.

'Wow, your teleporter thingie actually worked.' Felicia snickered. 'When was the last time that happened?'

'I'm surprised that it even got us this far.' Wade replied. 'Frickin' piece of junk.'

'If your teleporter device is so temperamental, why not ask Reed Richards to have a look at it?' Lyja asked. 'I'm sure that he'll happily give you a cut-price consultancy fee.'

'It's a little too late for that now.' Wade sighed. 'We're already on an assignment. Perhaps I'll have a word when we get home.'

'First we need tae find this Freya's Girdle or whatever this magical doo-hickey's called.' Terry added. 'Have ye found anythin' with yuir telepathy yet, Betsy?'

'Nothing concrete.' Betsy replied. 'But I can sense something from inside those caves in front of us. I don't think we're alone.'

Wade brightened up at the sound of that.

'Scantily clad Swedish chicks?' He asked hopefully.

'In this weather?' Betsy replied. 'I don't think so.'

'Aww, nuts.' Wade pouted. 'I guess we'd better investigate anyway.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

A mile or so east from Deadpool Inc.'s position, the Marvel Knights emerged from a magical teleportation disc.

'Brrr.' Satana shivered. 'You never think how much you'd miss Hell until you get teleported into the middle of the Swedish snowfields.'

'Don't tell me yer cold, Sheila.' Pyro snickered. 'It's a little brisk, I admit. But it ain't _really_ cold.'

'I'm surprised you can say that at all, Johnny.' Dagger replied. 'You're Australian, it's usually hot there so why aren't you shivering and bitching about the cold?'

'I guess I'm more used to the cold.' Pyro shrugged. 'And the fact that I'm too polite to bitch about the weather.'

'Can we please hurry this up?' Typhoid asked as she wrapped her arms around herself. 'My nipples could cut through glass by now.'

'Glad to hear it, Typhoid.' Jennifer Kale winced. 'I can sense something magical nearby so it shouldn't take us long to get home.'

'Thank God for that.' Typhoid muttered as she followed the others on their search for Freya's Girdle.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Deadpool Inc and the Marvel Knights weren't the first ones to reach the caves however as Jamie Madrox and his team somehow got there before them. The wonders of modern air travel, I guess.

Madrox had conjured up a few Multiples and had them running recon.

'Your mutant power is just an excuse to sit on your butt all the time, ain't it?' Marrow asked as she wrapped her hands around a Thermos full of coffee.

'Sometimes it is.' Madrox replied as he sipped his coffee. 'Can you blame me?'

'Guess not.' Marrow shrugged. 'It must be a boon during sex. Having all those Multiples going at it.'

'As you very well know.' Madrox replied with a cheeky grin.

'Geez. Too much information, thanks.' Strong Guy winced. 'Can we get this wild goose chase over and done with already? I'm starting to get piles sitting on these cold rocks.'

'Piles of what?' Marrow asked faux innocently.

Strong Guy just ignored her and rubbed his butt.

'Screw this. I'm going in to investigate. You two can sit out here getting piles if you want but I'm gonna do some work.'

'Have fun.' Madrox nodded as he gave his friend a wave.

Strong Guy just muttered under his breath as he headed inside the cave.

* * *

**Deadpool Inc.-**

Wade took the lead as he led his team into the cave through a separate entrance from Madrox and his team.

'What is it with these mystical MacGuffins and dark, dank caves?' He asked. 'Why can't they be hidden somewhere nice, like… Florida?'

'You only want to go to Florida so you can go see Mickey Mouse.' Betsy replied.

'If I wanted to go see Mickey Mouse, why didn't I say California?' Wade rebuffed. 'Or France even?'

'Because France is crap?' Felicia asked.

'I thought ye liked France.' Terry said. 'Y'know, all of the cute French guys.'

'This from the woman that used to work there.' Felicia snickered.

'It was a moment of weakness.' Terry replied. 'It wasnae as if I liked workin' in Paris.'

'Let's get our priorities right, people.' Betsy said, quickly taking control of the situation. 'We're here to find Freya's Girdle and the sooner we find it, the sooner we can go home to our nice, snugly boyfriends.'

'Speak for yourself, Betts.' Felicia replied. 'Your nice, snugly boyfriend is already here.'

Betsy turned to see Wade with his tongue stuck to one of the cave's frozen walls.

'Why me?' Betsy sighed.

The team continued on their search until Lyja stopped straight in her tracks.

'Did you guys hear that?' She asked.

'Don't tell me yuir gettin' scared.' Terry snickered. 'A nasty ol' Skrull warrior.'

'I'm serious.' Lyja replied. 'There's somebody in here with us.'

The others looked about the cave to try and find whoever, or whatever was in their with them.

Betsy put her hand to her head as she made a quick telepathic scan.

'There are people in here with us.' She announced. 'Two whole gangs if them.'

'Man, it looks like we've all been suckered in to this.' Madrox sighed as he led his team out of the shadows.

'Oh great, now we're gonna have to share the loot.' Satana muttered as the Marvel Knights stepped out.

'Hey Johnny, Typh.' Wade nodded. 'Long time no see.'

'We were a little busy.' Typhoid replied. 'If it's not miniature Carnage clones or evil purple dinosaurs, it's winged monkeys throwing their poop at you.'

'We whupped the Punisher.' Marrow added. 'Well, I did.'

'Call me suspicious but I'm starting to think that we've been set up.' Cloak said.

'And set up thou hast, mortals.' A gravely voice replied. 'Thou hast intruded on the realm of the Frost Giants and now thou wilt pay with thy lives!'

'Me and my big mouth.' Cloak groaned into his hands.

'Deadpool inc., assemble!' Wade ordered, as he got ready to fight.

'Must you _really_ say that all the time?' Betsy groaned as she dodged a blow form one of the Frost Giants' clubs.

'Everybody's gotta have a battle cry, Cute Buns.' Wade replied as he shot a Frost Giant in the chest. Unfortunately, his gunshot had no affect. 'Oh crap…'

Luckily, Terry was there to save him as she let rip with a sonic scream, shattering the Frost Giant's icy body.

'Mah hero…' Wade said in a faux Southern accent.

Over with Madrox and co, Strong Guy was wrestling with a Frost Giant's foot that that threatened to crush him.

Strong Guy grunted in exertion as he ripped the foot from the giant, making it tumble backwards into its fellow giants.

'I say running would be a good idea.' Typhoid said as she fought her way through more frost Giants. 'Great team-up this has turned out to be.'

'Oh I don't know.' Jennifer Kale replied as she shattered a Frost Giant with a magical fireball. 'I've found it to be quite an experience.'

'To think I gave up some red-hot Multiple sex for this crap.' Marrow muttered as she drove a bone dagger into the eye of a Frost Giant. 'How do you stop these guys? They're really starting to piss me off.'

'Everybody make a run for it.' Jennifer replied. 'Satana and I will hold these things off.'

'No need to tell me twice, babe.' Strong Guy replied as he did as he was told barrelled through more Frost Giants, making his way out of the cave.

The others followed suit as the two witches began to chant a spell.

The Frost Giants roared in rage as they began to fall apart.

'We're melting…' They screeched. 'Melting… Oh, what a world…'

Once the spell was cast and the Frost Giants had been vanquished, Satana and Jennifer sighed in relief.

'These things won't stay melted for long.' Jennifer explained. 'So we'd better get out of here.'

'Best ideas I've heard all day.' Satana nodded as she followed Jennifer out.

'We'd better make sure that those giants don't come after us.' Betsy said. 'Anybody got any ideas?'

'Smash the cave mouth in.' Strong Guy replied.

'I'm with ye.' Terry nodded. 'One sonic scream and the cave wilnae be able tae stand.'

'After you, Red.' Strong Guy nodded.

Terry let rip with a sonic scream, making the cave start to shake. After that, Strong Guy slammed his fists into the ground, making the cave mouth fall in on itself.

'Are you sure that was a good idea?' Dagger asked. 'Wasn't that cave a national landmark or something?'

'Oops…' Strong Guy winced.

'Who cares anyway?' Marrow shrugged. 'I just wanna go home and have a nice, long, warm bath.'

'I need a drink.' Wade sighed as he began to walk off.

'I'm hungry.' Satana added as she followed.

'Aren't you guys curious as to who set us up?' Madrox asked. 'It could be anybody. The Hellfire Club, Doctor Doom, Magneto…'

'Loki.' Jennifer Kale replied. 'This has his foul stench all over it.'

'I think that might be me, actually.' Felicia added. 'I must have trodden on something nasty.'

'Looks like wolf poop to me.' Dagger replied.

'There are wolves here?' Felicia asked fearfully. 'Why wasn't I informed?'

As if in reply, a spine chilling howl could be heard coming form the nearby forest.

'I think now would be a good time to leave.' Felicia said. 'Preferably some time now…'

'Good idea.' Betsy replied as she slowly began to back away. _'Run!'_

Everybody did as they were told as they set off after the purple-haired ninja, pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next- Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls**

_The Black Panther guest stars as Deadpool Inc. travels to Wakanda to help quell a civil war between two Wakandan tribes._


	33. Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls: Part 1

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 33: Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Author's Note-** _First off, I'd like to apologise for the lack of updates as I have been on holiday. But I am back now and ready and raring to get back to some ficcage. Enjoy y'all!_

* * *

**Deadpool Inc HQ, Manhattan-**

It was business as usual for Wade Wilson and friends as they conferred with their latest client over the videophone. Their client was… T'Challa, the king of Wakanda and long-time Avenger known as the Black Panther!

'Now, Mister T'Challa, Your Royal Majesty… ness.' Wade said as he bowed before T'Challa's image. 'We are honoured by your presence. How may we be of service, your all-powerful king-ness?'

'_Wade, don't be such a kiss arse._' Betsy sighed telepathically. '_It's demeaning_.'

'_Says the woman who used to wear that fruity ninja-bikini thing._' Wade shot back.

'_Don't make me take you around the back and give you a spanking_.' Betsy warned her partner.

'_Why Ms Braddock, are you trying to seduce me?_' Wade grinned with a flutter of his eyebrows.

'_Just carry on with the briefing before I hurt you._' Betsy glared.

Wade knew that Betsy Braddock wasn't one to make idle threats so he decided to focus his attention on the royal client.

T'Challa simply ignored Wade's ill-concealed brown-nosing and carried on with the conversation.

'I require Deadpool Inc.'s services.' T'Challa explained. 'Wakanda is home to several tribes of minorities. Two of those tribes have been embroiled in a very bloody war for many generations.'

'Not that we don't want your business or anything…' Felicia began. 'But I thought Wakanda is _your_ business. Why bother asking for your help?'

'I have preferred to keep business in Wakanda to myself.' T'Challa answered. 'But sometimes a king must swallow his pride and ask for help. I can offer you a handsome sum if you complete this task for me. More than you can imagine, perhaps.'

'Oh, I don't know…' Wade stroked his chin thoughtfully. 'I can imagine an awful lot…'

'What my partner means to say is that we will be honoured to take your assignment. Just… What do you need from us?' Betsy inquired.

'The sacred totem of the M'Butu tribe has been stolen.' T'Challa explained. 'They believe that the B'Kala has stolen the totem. That is what you must do. Find out who has stolen the M'Butu's scared bat.'

'Whoa, whoa, whoa…' Wade blinked. 'You want us to find a scared _BAT?_'

'Would that be a problem?' T'Challa asked.

'I'd say so!' Wade snorted as he began to dance about, flapping his arms like a bat. 'Bats… Eww! With their huge fangs and great grotesque wings!'

'Just ignore my partner, your majesty.' Betsy apologised. 'We will prepare immediately.'

'Very well.' T'Challa nodded. 'I will send my private jet to pick you up. Think of it as your own.'

That soon made Wade snap out of it.

'We get our own private jet, eh?' Wade smirked as he stroked his chin in thought. 'Will there be beer?'

'Fresh from Wakanda's finest breweries.' T'Challa replied.

'Just point me at the runway.' Wade grinned.

* * *

**T'Challa's private jet, later-**

Wade and the rest of Deadpool Inc. were sat comfortably in T'Challa's private jet as it flew across the Atlantic. To say that the jet was luxurious would be an understatement.

Wade sighed happily as a stewardess handed him a freshly poured beer.

'Mmm, this is the life, eh Cute Buns?' Wade grinned. 'We got ourselves a spiffy plan and endless beer on tap. I wonder if His Majesty will sell us a coupla kegs.'

'You know what the Wakandans are like about exporting stuff.' Betsy replied as she sipped her fine Wakandan wine. 'But if he does, I bet that it'll have one hell of a price tag.'

'But that wouldnae be a problem after we find this bat, right?' Terry asked. 'The amount that T'Challa's payin' us, we could afford… three kegs o' beer.'

'I thought you were a recovering alcoholic.' Felicia piped up.

'Just sayin' is all.' Terry sniffed.

'It's a pity that Lyja couldn't join us.' Wade sighed. 'I know how much she likes travelling. What happened to her anyway?'

'Didn't you hear?' Betsy asked. 'Lyja's pregnant.' **(1)**

'_Get out!_' Wade gasped. 'Who's the father?'

'Johnny Storm, ya goof!' Felicia snorted. 'Everybody knows. There was a big baby shower.'

'Why wasn't I invited?' Wade asked hurtfully.

'It was a strictly girls-only thing.' Terry replied. 'Ye wouldnae have liked it anyway, all fluff an' frills.'

'They'd better hope the kid's a girl.' Wade snorted. 'Or it'll be one confused little boy.'

'Reed already ran a scan.' Betsy commented. 'Although how you can tell a baby's sex when it's just an embryo is beyond me.'

'This is _Reed Richards_ we're talking about.' Felicia laughed. 'He's got to be the smartest guy ever, right? How can he _not_ know what sex the baby's gonna be?'

'You'd better not let Hank McCoy let you hear that.' Betsy chuckled. 'The poor guy can get unusually jealous sometimes.'

'Talkin' about the Beast, did ye hear about what happened to Emma Frost?' Terry suddenly remembered.

'I know!' Betsy replied with a grin. 'She's pregnant too! **(2)** Jean musta **_hated_** that!'

'Oh yeah.' Felicia snickered. 'Another telepath stealing her thunder. But that's not all that unusual for you X-Men, right? If all the stories I've heard about the Frost/Grey-Summers feud are true…'

'They are, trust me.' Betsy sighed. 'I wish I was alive to see it all, though.'

'Didn't ye use t' have a crush on Cyclops, Betts?' Terry teased.

Betsy just shot the Irish redhead a glare and turned back to Wade. The former Merc-with-am-mouth was staring at out the window fearfully.

'You okay, luv?' Betsy asked concernedly.

Wade yanked the window closed and looked at Betsy with a fearful expression.

'There's someone one the wing!' Wade whimpered. 'Some… _thing!_'

'No more TV for you.' Betsy sighed.

**

* * *

The Wakandan Embassy, the next day-**

After Deadpool Inc. had been taken to their respective rooms and had a good night's sleep, it was time for them to meet the king of Wakanda in person. All four of them were dressed up to the nines, the women wearing dresses that cost almost as much as the gross output of a small African nation.

Wade was fidgeting nervously as he had chosen to forgo his image inducer and therefore was there in his scabby, scarred glory.

Betsy gently squeezed his hand as one of T'Challa's servants led them to meet their client.

'There's really nothing to worry about, luv.' Betsy reassured him. 'I'm sure His Majesty won't be put off by the way you look. He's an Avenger. He's most probably seen the Scarlet Witch in a worse state.'

'Yeah.' Felicia snickered. 'That woman must be a **bitch** before her morning coffee.'

'If some o' the stories I've heard about her are true…' Terry winced. 'I'd prefer no' tae think about it…'

'I pity the fool that denies the Scarlet Witch her coffee.' Wade snickered as the group headed towards T'Challa. The king of Wakanda was greeting some random dignitaries.

'I can't believe I'm actually going to meet a king.' Felicia squealed, grinning excitedly. 'A real, live king!'

'I can see what ye mean.' Terry nodded. 'Meetin' Namor is one thing, but meetin' the Black Panther? That's a completely different thing.'

Once T'Challa had finished meeting the random dignitaries, he turned to see the four members of Deadpool Inc. with a smile.

'Ah, Mr Wilson, Ms Braddock, it is such a pleasure to meet you in the flesh.' T'Challa said as he kissed Betsy's hand.

'Likewise, your majesty.' Betsy curtseyed in reply. 'Now, about this sacred bat that has been stolen. Do you have any idea who might have stolen it?'

'Recent surveillance has led me to believe that a team of metahuman mercenaries is responsible for the theft.' T'Challa explained. 'I have their files ready for you.'

T'Challa motioned to a servant who handed several files to Betsy. The first file featured a picture of a moustachioed man wearing an orange head covering that covered almost all of his face, leaving his nose, mouth and chin bare. His eyes were covered with a black eye-mask. He was Georges Batroc, aka Batroc the Leaper, often enemy of Captain America.

Next was a brunette woman with a black eye-mask and diamond earrings. She was Rachel Leighton, aka Diamondback, former member of the Serpent Squad and ex-girlfriend of Captain America.

Third was a guy dressed in a yellow and red quilted suit. He was Herman Shultz, aka Shocker, Vibro-Glove toting enemy of Spider-Man.

Last, but by no means least was a guy with a black mask with a boomerang attached to his forehead. He was Fred Myers, aka Boomerang, Australian assassin with a talent for well… boomerangs.

'Well, that's some motley crew you've got there, Your Majesty.' Wade noted. 'We shouldn't take long to solve this problem. It's not as if these guys are A-List or anything. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.'

'Is your associate all right?' T'Challa whispered to Betsy. 'It almost seems as if he has been hit on the head many times.'

'It's just how Wade acts normally, Your Majesty.' Betsy replied. 'There's nothing to worry about really. He'll soon drop into serious mode once we start searching for the scared… you-know-what.'

'You mean sacred bat, right?' Felicia blinked. Betsy shot the former cat-burglar with a glare.

'Ahh! Bats!' Wade squealed. 'Get them off! Get them off!'

'Perhaps recruiting Deadpool was not such a good idea…' T'Challa sighed.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls- Part 2**

_Deadpool Inc. takes on Batroc and co. as they search for the scared… you-know-what. _

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_Lyja found out that she was pregnant in '_The Uncanny Four._'_

**(2)- **_Emma Frost found out that she was pregnant in '_Uncanny New X-Men._'_


	34. Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls: Part 2

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 34: Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Also, as many of you may have guessed, this chapter is based upon the movie _'Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.'_ I also do not own that movie._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Sean Malloy-1- **_I think there are enough pregnant women in the URM-Verse, don't you agree? I already have a possible candidate for Felicia. Look out for future chapters of _'Uncanny Avengers'_ to find out who it is…_

**GothikStrawberry- **_I'm glad you liked the last chapter. Yay! Here's another update!_

**Agent-G- **_Diamondback wasn't present for the fight with Wolverine, Storm, Captain America and the Scarlet Witch. She doesn't work with the Serpent Squad anymore, she's a freelance mercenary now._

**Thanks to- **_Snowie the Almighty._

* * *

**Wakanda-**

A sword cut through the dense undergrowth of the Wakandan jungle and a black and red clad figure stepped through. Deadpool Inc. was on a mission. T'Challa, the Avenger known as the Black Panther and Wakanda's king, had assigned Deadpool Inc. to search for a missing sacred bat that belonged to one of Wakanda's minority tribes. Which didn't bode well for Wade and his phobias.

'Uch, bats…' Wade muttered as he hacked his way through the underbrush. 'Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em.'

Wade gave Betsy a telepathic shot-out. It had been the purple-haired telepath's idea to split up, that way they would cover more ground. They were keeping contact via Betsy's telepathy.

'_The jungle path's clear so far, Cute Buns._' Wade reported. '_How're the highlands?_'

'_Bloody cold._' Betsy telepathically responded with a shiver. '_I swear, my nipples could cut_ _diamonds!_'

'_That reminds me…_' Wade tapped his chin in thought. '_Must pop in and say hello to_ _Emma Frost…_'

'_I'll call you when I've got anything of interest, luv._' Betsy responded, ignoring her partner's lechery.

'_Already missing you, Cute Buns._' Wade gave Betsy a mental kiss before signing off and moving on his way.

* * *

**Later-**

A little while later, Wade found that the jungle began to thin out, leading towards a roaring river. There was also a ramshackle hut standing on the riverbank with a pair of battered jeeps parked nearby.

Wade called T'Challa via Betsy's telepathy.

'_Sorry for disturbing you, Your Highness, but do you have many poachers camped out in the jungle?_'

'_I certainly hope not._' T'Challa responded. '_My country has a zero-tolerance policy_ _on illegal animal poaching. You are by the river, correct? Then it is unlikely that the_ _people you see are poachers. The poachers usually keep to the Great Plains._'

'_Then it looks like I've found our mercs…_' Wade reported as he cautiously investigated one of the jeeps. '_This jeep's got a French bumper sticker. It's gotta be Batroc_. _Freakin' cheese-eating surrender monkey._'

'_Don't do anything hasty, luv._' Betsy chipped in. '_These guys're dangerous._'

'_There's no need to worry about me, Cute Buns._' Wade mentally grinned. '_Danger's my middle name._'

'_I thought yuir middle name was Big Daddy._' Siryn added. '_Well, that's what ye told_ _me back in the day._'

'_Let's keep our attention focused on the mission at hand, shall we?' _Wade swiftly changed the subject. '_If you don't hear anything from me in five minutes… wait for_ _five minutes more!_'

And with that, Wade cut off communication and snuck around the back of the hut to find a way to get inside.

* * *

**Inside the hut- **

The quilt-wearing villain known as the Shocker paced about the hut impatiently.

'For crying out loud, will you just sit down!' The Australian mercenary known as Boomerang groused as he put his feet up on a rickety table with the Sacred Bat in a cage on top. 'Yer really startin' to get on me nerves, ya flamin' gallah!'

'I think I can hear a dingo eating your baby, _mate._' Shocker glared back.

'Well you two eediots _please_ shut ze hell up?' Batroc groused. 'Zis iz a verrry sensitive plan. I do not want anyzing to go wrong.'

'Did anybody understand what the hell this guy just said?' Shocker groaned. 'I'm sorry, but me no speaky surrender monkey!'

'Stop teasing the Frog.' Diamondback swatted Shocker upside the head. 'Even if it is fun.'

'Preaching to the choir, hotness!'

All four villains spun around to see Wade standing there with his swords drawn.

'Now, what do you nice people say that you give me the… _bat…_ and I'll keep the bruising to a minimum?'

'Screw you, 'Pool!' Shocker hissed as he pointed his Vibro-Gauntlets at the Former-Merc-With-A-Mouth. 'Fifty bucks on the one that gets this freak's scalp!'

'Aww, where's the love?' Wade quipped as he vaulted over Shocker's blast and kicked the villain in the head. 'Ooh, that musta hurt!'

'You weel **pay** for zis transgression, Deadpool!' Batroc snarled.

'Sorry Frenchie…' Wade apologised. 'Didn't understand a word you said.'

Batroc tried to leap at Wade but ended up getting clipped by the pummel of Wade's sword.

'You know, I thought going to Wakanda for a job would be hard work.' Wade grinned as he leapt about the room, avoided vibro-blasts and boomerangs alike. 'You guys could at least put up some kind of defence. You're embarrassing yourselves as well as me.'

'Ya talk too much, 'Pool!' Boomerang snarled as he tossed one of his boomerangs, hitting Wade square in the chest. Wade gurgled in surprise before falling face first on the floor.

'Is that it?' Boomerang blinked. 'Just one boomerang to the chest?'

'Weird.' Shocker shook his head. 'D'you think he's dead?'

'There's only one way to find out, mate.' Boomerang replied as he stood over Wade and pulled off his mask.

'Aww, geez!' Shocker winced as he turned his head in disgust at the sight of Wade's scarred face. 'He certainly **looks** dead.'

Boomerang went to pull Wade up to his feet. Suddenly, Wade's eyes popped open, eliciting a scream from the Australian assassin.

'Boo!' Wade grinned as he dealt Boomerang a swift kick to the groin. Boomerang clutched his groin and fell to the ground with a groan. 'Oh yeah, who's the daddy? Say my name, baby!'

Shocker was about to blast Wade with another vibro-blast when he yelled in pain and convulsed as if he was having a fit.

'About time you got here, Cute Buns.' Wade nodded as Betsy withdrew her psychic knife from Shocker's head.

'Just making sure that you didn't get beaten up too badly, lover.' Betsy gave her partner a sexy wink. 'Oh balls, Batroc's buggered off.

'Diamondback, too.' Wade frowned as he put his mask back on. 'It looks like we've got ourselves… a chase scene!'

'There were a couple of jeeps parked outside.' Betsy remembered. 'Why don't we use those?'

'I've got an even better idea, Betts.' Wade grinned evilly. 'T'Challa loaned me a little something…'

* * *

**Outside-**

The trees whipped past Batroc and Diamondback as they drove through the Wakandan jungle.

'I knew it was a stupid idea joining up with you guys.' Diamondback groused as she struggled to hold on to the steering wheel. 'I would have had more luck joining up with somebody like Toad or Hydro-Man!'

'I am glad zat you 'ave faith in me, mademoiselle.' Batroc rolled his eyes. 'We weel reach our rendezvous point soon and we weel be away from zis accursed jungle!'

'I wouldn't be so quick to say that…' Diamondback countered as she indicated the reflection of something in the rear-view mirror. 'Look!'

Batroc turned around to see a monster truck burst through the jungle behind them. Deadpool had his head stuck out the window and was firing wildly at them while laughing like a maniac!

'Bwa-ha-haaa!' Wade laughed as he shattered one of the Jeep's rear lights. 'Run all you want, Frenchie! I'm gonna get you, cuz I'm the Gingerbread Man! Wait… That's not right. Dammit!'

Batroc turned back to watch the jungle in front of him. He yelled in surprise as Felicia jumped down from the trees above and landed on the hood.

'Hi…' The vigilante known as Black Cat grinned. 'I believe you have something that doesn't belong to you…'

Batroc hissed in anger as he lunged forward at the black-and-white clad vigilante. Felicia easily avoided the French mercenary and tossed him out of the Jeep.

Batroc screamed like a girly-man as he was catapulted into the air. Fortunately, Siryn was there to catch him.

'Not so cocky now, are ye boyo?' Siryn grinned as she punched the French assassin in the face, knocking him out.

'I'd stop the car now, if I were you…' Felicia warned Diamondback.

'What the…?' The redheaded mercenary blinked.

Felicia leapt off the hood of the jeep just as it clipped a fallen tree trunk, catapulting Diamondback and the caged bat into the air.

Siryn managed to catch the bat but Diamondback ended falling face-first into a big pile of dung.

'Ooh…' Felicia winced. 'That's gotta suck…'

'That's why people wear seatbelts.' Siryn tutted as she lowered herself down to the ground.

Wakandan Embassy- 

With the sacred bat safely returned to its tribe, and Batroc and co. had been taken in by the appropriate authorities, it was time for Deadpool Inc. to bid T'Challa and Wakanda goodbye.

'I promised you a heft sum as payment…' T'Challa began as he handed Betsy a black suitcase. 'And I always keep my promises, as you will see if you open the case.'

Betsy opened the case and goggled at the huge amount of cash within.

'Oh my…' The purple-haired Brit blinked.

Wade's jaw fell as he peered over Betsy's shoulder.

'Oh my stars and eggplants…' Wade blinked. 'That's one **_hell_** of a load of money!'

'What are you going to do with your share of the reward, Wade?' Felicia asked.

'I'm goin' to Disneyland!' Wade cheered. 'Then I'm gonna join the X-Men! I'll show Worthington what a _real_ rich man's like!'

'Sometimes I worry about you.' Betsy shook her head. 'But it would be nice to see Jean and Ororo again.'

'I'll say.' Wade waggled his eyebrows suggestively. 'Rrowr!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: All Good Things…**

_It's the last chapter of 'Uncanny Deadpool' as Wade and Betsy disband Deadpool Inc. and join the X-Men. 'Nuff said!_


	35. All Good Things

**Uncanny Deadpool**

**Chapter 35: All Good Things…**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Doza- **_Yup, Deadpool's gonna join the X-Men. Man, Wolverine's gonna love that. Not!_

**Todd fan- **_Like a glove!_

**Agent-G- **_I'm finishing this cuz I'm running out of ideas. I'd rather this fic goes out on a high rather than fading into obscurity. _

* * *

**Quote of the day- '**_You think you're all that, but you're not!'_

* * *

**The offices of Deadpool Inc.: The Baxter Building-**

It as a day of change in the offices of Deadpool Inc. It was an end of an era, Wade and Betsy were moving out. After a spate of successful and very rewarding cases, it was decided that the pair could retire from the private detective business and enjoy their money. Lyja had been the first to leave as she was on maternity leave. Felicia had gone off to start her own agency. That just left Wade, Betsy and Theresa. After a brief discussion, it was decided that the trio should move to Westchester and join the X-Men. Theresa's father, the X-Man known as Banshee, was part of the X-Men so that added an extra incentive.

Wade leant against the wall with a heavy sigh as he surveyed the fully packed boxes almost filling the room.

'Y'know, I'll miss this place…' The Former-Merc-With-The-Mouth sighed. 'I'll miss the sofa, where we had sex. I'll miss the dining table, where we had sex. I'll miss the sink, where we had sex…'

'I think we get the point, luv.' Betsy sighed as she patted her partner on the back. 'I'll miss this place too.'

'At least when we join the X-Men we'll be able to do it in the X-Jet.' Wade chuckled.

'Is that the _only_ thing you think about?' Betsy rolled her eyes. 'On second thoughts, don't answer that.'

'No really, think about it, Cute Buns…' Wade smirked as he held Betsy close. 'Having done it in the X-Jet will make us real X-Men! Hell, I bet that thing has had more randy couples doing it in there than it has been in the air.'

'I guess we've got the Westchester water to thank for that.' Betsy shook her head. 'Legend has it that the water in Westchester has aphrodisiac properties.'

'Not that we need it, right?' Wade grinned as he kissed Betsy on the top of her head.

'No, I guess not.' Betsy smiled as she nuzzled against her lover. 'What do you say that we try the couch out one last time, for old time's sake?'

'Okay, you've twisted my arm.' Wade laughed as he led Betsy towards the sofa.

**

* * *

Professor Xavier's office, the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning-**

Professor Charles Xavier looked at the trio sitting on the opposite side of his desk. Wade, Betsy and Theresa were being given a welcome speech.

Standing on opposite sides to the professor were Scott Summers and Emma Frost, the Institute's co-head teachers.

'It is a pleasure to see you, Betsy.' Xavier smiled. 'It is a pity that I wasn't present for your return.'

'That's not a problem, Charles.' Betsy smiled back. 'You had your thing in Genosha.'

'You could not have come at a more opportune time.' Xavier continued. 'The influx of new students and the shortage of X-Men willing to teach has meant that we are a little short on teachers.'

'No offence, Prof…' Wade piped up. 'But, I'm not exactly well known for my patience with kids. What makes you think I'd make a good teacher?'

'Logan certainly seems to manage.' Emma responded. 'The man is a natural. Don't let him know that I said that though…'

'An' just how is my da'?' Theresa asked. 'Is he okay? I heard that Moira's back as well.'

'Sean is as well as could be expected.' Scott replied. 'As a matter of fact, we hardly see anything from himself or Moira.'

'That's a wee bit too much information, thank ye.' Theresa winced.

'Guess you were right about the water, Betts.' Wade whispered.

'Just you wait and see what it's _really_ like in the X-Mansion, Wade.' Betsy whispered back. 'It's always non-stop sex, attack by Magneto, Sentinels and/or Apocalypse.'

'Yes, I do believe that the mansion is long due being destroyed.' Xavier nodded.

'Why Prof, was that a joke?' Wade mock gasped. 'I never knew you had it in you.'

'People change, Wade my friend. Mostly for the better.' Xavier smiled.

'The Professor's smiling, Cute Buns. I'm scared.' Wade whimpered. 'Hold me…'

* * *

**Later-**

Once everybody's belongings had been unpacked, the three former members of Deadpool Inc. decided to split up and explore their new home. Betsy was catching up with Jean and Ororo while Theresa was hanging out with her father and Moira. Wade was left to his own devices.

Wade admired the gallery of pictures across the walls that displayed various incarnations of the X-Men and New Mutants. What caught Wade's attention the most was an old picture in which Betsy was wearing her skimpy ninja bikini. Also in the picture were Wolverine in his orange and tan uniform, a young Jubilee, Storm with short hair and her white uniform, Rogue with big hair and her old green and yellow uniform complete with jacket and an unshaven Gambit. By the looks of the picture, it was taken shortly before the time when the Shadow King took over Muir Island.

'Mmm-mm…' Wade smiled to himself. 'Betsy sure looked fine then. Hell, she still looks fine now. I wonder if she's still got that ninja bikini…?'

Wade was so immersed in the picture that he didn't notice three identical blonde figures approach him.

'Hello Mister Wilson…' The three Stepford Cuckoos chimed in their usual eerie monotone.

Wade jumped up with a shout.

'Greta Merciful Hera!' Wade yelped as he clutched his heart.

'You talk funny.' Fiona giggled.

'Deadpool is funny.' Eve corrected her sister. 'He's also as mad as a brush.'

'Do brushes suffer from insanity?' Fiona blinked.

'It doesn't matter…' Phoebe rolled her eyes. 'Stop being such an airhead, Fiona. You know Ms Frost doesn't like it when you act like that. She taught us better.'

'Yes Phoebe…' Fiona pouted.

'W-what do you want with me, evil Children of the Corn…?' Wade whimpered. The three blonde girls were starting to scare the bejesus out of him.

'We are your welcoming committee, Mister Wilson.' Eve explained. 'Perhaps in hindsight, it isn't such a good idea for three scary identical blondes to welcome new teachers. How many have we scared away so far, girls?'

Phoebe counted them off on her fingers.

'I make it about fifteen.' Phoebe replied. 'I think it's about time Penny did the welcoming.'

'I'm not so sure…' Eve shook her head. 'Remember that time she leapt down on that new Home Ec teacher?'

'Oh yes…' Phoebe remembered with a smile. 'The poor woman's screams could be heard all the way to Madripoor.'

Eve turned back to the frightened Wade.

'So, Mister Wilson, what do you want to see first?'

'I want my Cute Buns…' Wade chewed on his nails like a frightened child.

'Cute Buns?' Fiona blinked. 'What in the name of all that is blonde is he talking about?'

'Elizabeth Braddock.' Phoebe explained as she rolled her eyes. 'Also known as Psylocke. You should really read the file son the X-Men sometimes, Fi.'

'And we mean not just Gambit.' Eve added. 'His photo file's almost been worn out thanks to you.'

'But he's so cute…' Fiona pouted. 'Can I help it if I find Cajuns so sexy?'

'You're shameless, Fiona.' Phoebe grumbled, rubbing the bridge of her nose. 'You'll have to excuse our sister, Mister Wilson…'

'Uhh, Pheebs?' Eve hissed. 'Mister Wilson's gone.'

'Oh, for the love of Gambit!' Phoebe groaned. 'You've gone and scared him off, Fiona.'

'Did not!' Fiona glared.

'Oh, shut up.' Eve shook her head. 'You're giving us a headache.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Betsy was having a girl talk with her two bestest gal pals Jean and Ororo when Wade burst into the kitchen.

'Talk of the devil.' Jean chuckled. 'Betsy has told us so much about you, Wade. Why don't you come sit with us?'

'Blonde… So blonde…' Wade whimpered as he shrunk down in a corner. He started to rock back and forth, his knees up against his chest. 'Blonde… So blonde…'

'You've met the Cuckoos, I see.' Ororo nodded in sympathy. 'Just think yourself lucky that you're not Gambit.'

'Poor Remy.' Jean shook her head. 'Those girls have been stalking him ever since he set foot back in the X-Mansion.'

'I'm surprised that Rogue even puts up with it.' Betsy added. 'She also seemed so protective.'

'I guess she thinks of it more as a joke.' Ororo suggested. 'Besides, we all know where Remy's heart truly lies.'

'The bloke knows which side his bread's buttered, alright.' Betsy nodded.

'I think you'd better check on Wade, Betsy.' Jean said, indicating the traumatised Former-Merc-With-The-Mouth.

Betsy got up off her stool with a sigh.

'Oh, come here you stupid bugger…' Betsy sighed, holding her arms wide.

Wade didn't need any more encouragement as he ran into Betsy's embrace.

'There, there. I've got you…' Betsy cooed. 'Betsy's here. Nobody's going to hurt you now…'

Jean and Ororo looked at each other with bemused expressions.

'That… is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen…' Jean shivered.

'More disturbing than Scott in his underwear?' Ororo teased.

'That was a low blow, 'Ro.' Jean glared. 'And you know it.'

'Isn't it just?' Ororo chuckled.

**END…**

* * *

_Well, that's the end of_ 'Uncanny Deadpool'. _It's been a long and wacky road, but enjoyable non-the-less. I hope you have all enjoyed it as much as I have writing it. This isn't the end for Wade, Betsy and Theresa however. Watch out for more wackiness from the Former Merc-With-The-Mouth and Betsy in_ 'Uncanny New X-Men' _and more from Siryn in_ 'Uncanny X-Men.' 


End file.
